Limerence and abandonment

I've mentioned before that I suffer from limerence. I'm making this post because I have a situation currently causing me a lot of pain and I think it's limerence and BPD interacting that it making it so bad.

In case anyone doesn't know, limerence is basically an addiction to a person. Like a crush but much stronger. The person you have limerence for is called the LO, the limerent object.

I found out two days ago that my LO, who is a colleague at work who I've had feelings for for almost 2 years, is leaving in a month. She has no idea how I feel, and there is no way she feels anything back. For a start, I'm gay and she's straight.

It might sound good that she's leaving, and in the long run it is. But it's an addiction. I am having a really hard time dealing with the thought of her leaving. I feel constantly sick, I can't stop thinking about her and I feel so bad I wish I was dead.

The reasons I think there could be some BPD in there:

1. My friend pointed out I probably feel like she's abandoning me. And that is absolutely true. It's ridiculous, but that's how it feels. I can't bear the thought of her not being there. I just can't. Every time I see her at work and every time she is mentioned, particularly when people talk about her leaving, I feel like I am being stabbed in the heart.

2. Limerence has been part of my identity for the last 4 years. I recently read an article by someone with BPD that said he was afraid to get better as mental illness is part of his identity. I feel like that too. And I can't imagine life without limerence. This happened to me with my last LO, she left, it was extremely painful, and I immediately became obsessed with the next one.

Last night I tried to scratch her initial into my arm over and over until it bled.

What makes it worse is that I'm married. I love my wife, the limerence is more about me and my mental health than our relationship. She knows about it but she doesn't know how much of a mess I'm in about my LO leaving. And when I come home from work I have to pretend like nothing is wrong. She can tell something is up and keeps asking me to talk to her and I can't.

Does anyone have any tips to deal with feeling abandoned and the threat to my identity? I feel like this is destroying me.

I meant to add that I am upset with my FP as she hasn't texted me for 2 days and she knows how upset I am, I feel like she's abandoning me too and all I want to do is talk to her.

Limerence... I've been in a state of obsessive love for almost 3 years. Thanks to you I finally have a more exact term for it, limerence... Although I only knew this girl for less a than a year, I still think about her probably more than is healthy. In my mind, she is the most beautiful, caring, incredible girl I've ever met and probably will ever meet.

And well, while this might be true, I definitely think BPD has compounded my limerence because BPD, which is a defense mechanism to trauma, actually physically alters the brain and how it communicates with itself so that certain parts of the brain are used too much and some too little. I think that the BPD brain is very conducive to limerence in addition to black-and-white thinking (splitting).

Aren't limerence and splitting similar though? I think limerence is basically convincing yourself that a person is nothing but "white". An angel on earth, a savior, nothing but a good person. And that's what we want to believe, we think: "This is the person that will save me from myself and make me happy. This is the person who can heal me, who can complete me."

It's true this person or that person might be good for you, but if you're just seeing what you want to see, then it's also very possible that person who you've become emotionally dependent on will use your reliance to hurt you. That's one very real thing to consider, the other is just as harsh: just because you've become dependent on someone doesn't mean they have any obligation to you whatsoever.

People are free live their lives and love how they wish, if she tells you "It isn't meant to be." (especially repeatedly) then that's something you'll have to accept. Is it hard to accept? Yes. Does it sometimes seem unfair or cruel? Yes. Does it sometimes seem illogical? Yes. How long will I be heartbroken? How long will it take me to get over her? I don't know. But for better or worse, if that's her decision, then that's her decision.

I still wish that the girl I loved and still want to love would say to me someday "It could work, you and me.", but that's not what she said. I respect her so much that I can't even question it though. All I really want is to know is that she's doing well and that's really enough for me.

I'm not saying this is absolutely what you should do, all I'm saying is that yes, sometimes it's good to chase what we want, but other times we know we'll just run ourselves ragged until we collapse and won't be better off for it. Accepting, moving on, letting go, forgiving... they're things we all need to learn at some point.

Oh, and don't beat yourself up with "If only I had done this, then maybe things would be different." because things happen exactly the way they happen. Self-loathing and self-pitying will never help you have a better tomorrow, only determined positive action and dedication to self improvement will do that.

Forgive my long response.

- nin

Yeah it's my opinion too that people with BPD may be more prone to limerence. Both are often about attention, at least in my case.

There's nothing I could have done differently, and I don't even really want it. I love my wife. I just feel so abandoned by my LO at the moment. Even though her decision to leave has nothing at all to do with me. We barely know each other.

Just wish it would hurt less.

Thanks Jaus. She's not my friend at all and I'm likely to never see her again. Just can't imagine myself without it.

I'm new here, so hopefully I'm not starting off on the wrong foot by asking this question.

Have you and your wife done okay since then?

My husband is BPD and he found himself limerent for a co-worker. Told me about it (never did anything inappropriate), which wasn't fun for either of us, but we've been discussing things and I think we'll be okay. The process truly stinks though. Co-worker will be leaving for a new job soon, which relieves my husband greatly. He doesn't like that this happened, it's really rattled his perception of himself but on the other hand, he is beginning to do some of the hard work regarding his upbringing, etc. that he hasn't done through the years.

I'm torn. I'm relieved that she's going because the job wasn't a good fit for her, plus if she's not around then he will have an easier time of processing this experience. On the other hand, it hasn't been easy on me either because being replaced, even in his imagination, by a younger and yes - VERY attractive woman hurts. I'm a breast cancer survivor and a mastectomy was part of it, as was unwelcome weight gain and removal of my ovaries, so it's been a perfect storm of revisiting my adolescence too. I'm not an unattractive woman but I was never stunning, so I focused my attentions on other characteristics. Still hurts to not be pretty enough when you really love your spouse. Plus I thought I had put some of insecurities to rest as the years rolled by. Hahahaha - life does like to provide us with all SORTS of growth opportunities.

More character points that I can't spend! I thought the chemo, radiation, surgery part was plenty, thanks! LOL

Sorry for my late reply. My wife and I have issues, we’ve been through a bad time recently, but we’re ok now and it’s nothing to do with limerence.

I think it’s important to realise that it’s a mental health thing- cheating is not ok, mental health problems or not, but limerence isn’t something we can help. It’s about us, not the person we are infatuated by. We need therapy to overcome it.

I think there is a high correlation between BPD and limerence. My therapist says mine are connected and that therapy for my BPD will help my limerence too. Many of us with BPD are prone to having a ‘favourite person’, and limerence is basically a favourite person but with attraction there too. Sometimes it can be the same person.

If anyone has watched the show ‘Crazy ex-girlfriend’, the main character has BPD but she is totally obsessed with a guy and the whole show is about that. So really it’s limerence too, but it’s presented on the show as just part of her BPD.