Do I have BPD? Is there any hope for me if I do?

Hello everyone. Most of this post is copied from a post I made last year on this forum about how I thought I may be a covert narcissist. I'm now thinking that BPD may be a more appropriate label. I think I may be a bit autistic too since I engage in stimming behaviors like flapping my hands, but anyway, here's some info about me.

I am a 24 year old male. I had a good childhood but everything turned for the worse when I was about 12. My father started drinking heavily and abusing drugs. My home life became chaotic. I went from outgoing to very shy and became an outcast. I felt inferior to all the other kids at school who had seemingly normal, happy lives. I began to resent many of them.

My grandmother was an enabler to my father, always telling everyone that he didn't have a problem. My grandmother was very manipulative and would often tell me that if I treated my Dad better then he wouldn't have issues. I took that advice to heart and tried to become a perfectionist. I would treat my Dad like a King and try to be the perfect son in hopes that it would stop his addiction problems and I could have a normal life again. Needless to say, it didn't work. And I hated myself for not being good enough to fix that problem.

My parents eventually divorced. High School came along and that was a living hell. I was extremely shy, didn't really talk to hardly anyone, and got bullied quite a bit. I lacked the confidence and assertiveness to stand up to bullies. In some ways I felt like I deserved it because I felt inferior. I eventually dropped out of high school and went to therapy for social anxiety. It helped a bit. I got a job where I was forced to interact with customers and while it sucked at first, it ultimately helped my social anxiety immensely.

I met some friends at that workplace and became arguably the best employee there. I was much less shy after a few months of working there. I felt so good about myself for the first time in years. But there were still many issues lurking. I just ignored all of them by becoming a bit of a workaholic. I spent all my time studying at college, working at my job, and exercising. I completely neglected social relationships.

Now, I'm at a point in my life where some health issues have led to me quitting my job and dropping out of school. I'm depressed and have kind of hit rock bottom. Anyway, enough about my background. Let me get into some of my current issues.

I have very bad anger issues, an intense fear of intimacy, and still some remnants of social anxiety. I feel nervous and shy around others and I blush frequently . I have a toxic reaction to embarrassment and humiliation. I can explode in rage and defensiveness over slight criticism. I am obsessed with grandiose fantasies. I fantasize about being insanely rich, having a perfect body, dating beautiful women, being a star athlete or celebrity etc. I often fantasize about the people who looked down on me in the past seeing me be more successful than they are.

My moods and self-image fluctuate rapidly. When someone compliments me, I often feel euphoric. When I watch something funny or a good song comes on the radio, I can go into a state of bliss and feel like I'm on top of the world. If I handle a social situation smoothly, I feel like the coolest guy around.

When I mess something up or do something awkward, I feel like a worthless failure. When someone insults or disrespects me, I often pretend that it doesn't bother me. But in reality it can stay in my head for years and I'll fantasize about seriously hurting (or even killing) that person. Sometimes I lose control and explode in rage. I have punched people in the face before during arguments, and I have even pulled a knife on somebody once. Lately I've been punching myself in the face a lot, to the point of bruising. I also cut myself for the first time last week. This self-harm and internal rage often occurs when I recall past arguments or instances of people bullying me. I threatened to kill myself once in the past when a close friend told me that he didn't like me and he told me the reasons why he didn't like me. The threat was impulsive but still pretty sincere.

I have no close friends and have never had a girlfriend despite being good looking. I've had girls ask me out, but I tell them I'm unavailable because I'm too nervous to go on a date. I'm terrified of rejection so I never initiate contact with girls. My only sexual experiences have been with prostitutes. I am full of self-doubt and internal criticism. I am fairly unassertive, but when somebody pushes me far enough I will snap and rip them apart with my words. I've scared people like this before, and while I don't particularly like doing it, I must say that I enjoy the feeling of power that comes from intimidating someone who disrespects me. I can't stand to be disrespected. And I have a very tough time admitting to wrongdoing and apologizing. Oh, and I certainly engage in "splitting" when I think about other people.

Geez, sorry that was so long. Anyway, thoughts?

No one here can tell you if you have BPD.

I would suggest looking for a clinic that works mostly with BPD, and going in for a referral and going from there.

There is hope. If you have BPD it takes time and work, much like working out and much like working out results aren't achieved in the first month, two months, however small results are seen.

If you do have BPD and are willing to put in the work and are determined to live a different life there is hope certainly.

I will say that male BPD presents differently than female BPD based on my own experiences and struggles.

We can't diagnose you here but professional help would be a great place to start, it isn't beneficial for everyone but it should help you find direction. Years of therapy was unsuccessful for me but outcome varies from person to person, every individual is different.

Whether your diagnosis is BPD or not, learning to accept and understand your symptoms is very important. As toddamus said, there's always hope if you're willing to work for it.

Morrissey wrote:We can't diagnose you here but professional help would be a great place to start, it isn't beneficial for everyone but it should help you find direction. Years of therapy was unsuccessful for me but outcome varies from person to person, every individual is different.

Whether your diagnosis is BPD or not, learning to accept and understand your symptoms is very important. As toddamus said, there's always hope if you're willing to work for it.

From a male perspective, I will highlight this. If you do have BPD, understanding and accepting how reactive you are in comparison to people without BPD is an important concept.