Newly diagnosed BPD. Relationship crisis...

Hi! So I've just been diagnosed with BPD (but suspected it before) but I am already at crisis point.

I regularly screw up my relationships with intense emotions and then use sex as a coping method. My last relationship went very badly in the end though and that is when I first suspected BPD, because of how I reacted.

So right now, I've spent the past few months almost constantly with an amazing girl. She gets me (when I'm normal) and we have loads in common, more than I've ever felt before. She also makes me feel totally at ease with myself, which is extremely rare for me, but she has quite extreme anxiety, which when it wasn't directed at me, was fine. Helping her even made me feel better and I was able to maintain my distance when she needed it. The problem is that last week, the anxiety became directed at me.

Because of her anxiety and some past issues/incidents, she has trouble expressing her emotions and letting people close, but with me she managed to. Sex is a massive issue for her too, but we had done things (not intercourse) a couple of times, and made progress each time. When she told me to stop, I stopped. This happened again last week, but it really hit her anxiety badly and so she told me she couldn't be in the same room as me for a while and needed to take a step back, and also that she needs to rebuild her trust for me.

I was hurt, but tried to react normally and be supportive because I care about her so much, but then had intense feelings of jealousy when she went out a few times with a friend of mine, and her body language towards him compared to me was unbearable. The thing is, I KNOW it's nothing, but couldn't stop myself. I also trust her 100%, but still couldn't stop myself. Then she walked out on a night out that a few of us were going to and told (of all people) my EX what had happened. This was compounded by the fact that she refuses to acknowledge to anyone else that there was ever anything more than friendship between us so to my ex, she said that I had 'tried it on and she told me to stop' and then that 'I'd got jealous since'... The next day, I got messages from someone within our friendship circle basically telling me I'd tried to force myself on her and she wasn't interested, and threatening me to stay away from her, so my ex clearly took great delight in telling people precisely what had happened (and embellishing it).

Anyway, since then I have spiralled slowly downwards, gambling, being mean to her (and hating myself for doing it) and accusing myself of sexual assault, even though she says that isn't what it was. She has given me numerous chances to resolve this and yet I just get worse again. I've gambled away £1000 the other day too.

What can I do? I feel like I'm going to lose her and whilst I don't want her to have to deal with this, I know that when we are good, we are great together. In all honesty, I think I have already lost her, but I just can't accept that, I have to try!

The first thing I would do, or I'm sure someone would tell me to do because I would have a hard time doing it, is stop the self destructive behaviors, and take a third person look at what is going on. It seems like you have a lot of stress going on, and as we know, BPD people tend to be more reactive so the stronger the stress the bigger the response and often things get worse.

So stop the self destructive behaviors. Look for a clinic that does DBT well.

Then imagine someone else told you what was going on. What advice would you give them? I've often found the advice I give other people and what I tell myself are very different.

-- Tue Feb 21, 2017 6:59 am --

I've also been in a similar situation. I had a person who I thought was a friend, never a partner, and I had a friend die, and I confided in her a few things and because she got mad at me later, she told our entire group of friends all these things which I assumed were private because I thought she was a friend. And I was asked basically to leave the group because she leveraged me out, at one point literally saying she is afraid of me.

So I've been there and it sucks.

But I realized she was the unskillful one and there wasn't $#%^ I could do. The more I react, the more she looked like she was right.

As much as it sucks, you're in a no win situation there. Best to let her be the dramatic one, maintain your calm and try you maintain your other friendships, maybe its best to let this one go.

If I was to be honest - just dump her. Not only she has some problem with sexual relation, which might mean that in fact even if you were going to end up together, she would refuse sex anyway and you'd be frustrated all the time, but in the same time:
a) she doesn't want you to be her bf officially - great, seems like a friendzone; at lest until she finds somebody who she will have sex with
b) she's going around and gossiping about you, her and your sexual relations - how kind of her.

mpr2409 wrote:she has trouble expressing her emotions and letting people close

Seems like she indeed has. Unless it concerns informing your ex that she doesn't want to sleep with you.

I am not sure you quite understand, she has huge anxiety issues due to being in a controlling marriage for 10 years and also due to abuse suffered as a child... The issue is not that she does not WANT to be in a relationship, it is that she feels she is incapable of it. The sexual fear is based on flashbacks to her abuse so she needs to build trust...

My issue is that after building that trust, I have destroyed it with my BPD and my obsessive behaviour - jealousy, needing to know how she feels, needing validation.

Oh, maybe I haven't properly, plus I guess I got a bit triggered when I wrote this, but still - in my opinion her behaviour is not fair. And ok, she may have her own problems and trauma, it's really sad she does. But anyway - you have your own, and as egoistic as it sounds - I just think you should focus on your well-being. Her problems are hers, not yours. There is no need to deal with someone else's issues, when you have your own problems. You've also mentioned that she feels like she's "incapable of being in a relationship". So why should you go into a relation when the other person has problems with being in committed relationship. It's only going to hurt you in the end.

Ofc, that's only my opinion. I know that people might think it's quite self-centered, but from my experience the best think you can do to yourself is to care about yourself.

Where you there when she told your EX? Does she also have any social anxiety problems? Maybe she didn't mean to say it. Often times I've blurred out things about private stuff if I'm put in a corner, and people misunderstand things all the time.