Please help suicidal due to bpd please help

I am turning 33 in a month. I have no love life and no prospects. That's because even when I'm dating someone, I'm never happy. So I end up pushing them away because I grow bored and irritated by anyone who loves me. I have no friends because I worship the friends at first and then I later get annoyed by them when they actually begin to like me. I do this because my family never loved me, they abused me, stole from me and neglected me. Now I'm repeating the cycle in my personal life.

I don't know how to love and be empathetic toward people who love me. I start to hate them like my mom, dad and sisters hate me. I can see the problem clearly but I can't see the solution.

I don't want to commit suicide. I just can't think of any other way to end the deep void and loneliness. My ex has moved on and he was the only one who checked on me.

Now I just sit alone in my apartment. Please Please Please help me. I don't want to die.

its good that you dont want to die. most of the time i am too depressed and really want to kick the bucket. so you're ahead of me.

I am turning 33 in a month. I have no love life and no prospects. That's because even when I'm dating someone, I'm never happy. So I end up pushing them away because I grow bored and irritated by anyone who loves me.

i've realized that it's okay and natural to get bored. it's not the job of my gf or friends to entertain me. they're not clowns or pets unless someone is actually dating a clown.

for entertainment people watch movies, big bang theory, pursue hobbies. a gf or bf isnt there only for entertainment. i have only 1 real life friend and while he's not entertaining or funny, he's a good person and good listener.

this is why nons have friends. when they get bored they hang out with friends instead of texting their bf or gf all the time.

and life isnt all about laughing all day or having fun. at times its good to be calm and like have a peaceful time.
like walk in the park or resting on a sunday.

I have no friends because I worship the friends at first and then I later get annoyed by them when they actually begin to like me.

i do this as well. i realize its cause i want my friends to treat me like i'm their family. like i want the attention from them, parents give to their newborn child. though that's not fair on their part, the urges from my part dont go.

i've asked my friend to record a message for me. whenever i feel very low i listen to his message.

I do this because my family never loved me, they abused me, stole from me and neglected me. Now I'm repeating the cycle in my personal life.

yeah this sucks. each day i day dream of what ifs. what if my dad had married someone else, what if my caretaker had passed away. at times i wish someone were there to help my parents and explain to them that what they're doing is wrong and abuse. the what ifs dont really go but its okay.

I don't know how to love and be empathetic toward people who love me. I start to hate them like my mom, dad and sisters hate me. I can see the problem clearly but I can't see the solution.

i've asked my old friends to add me to a watsapp group and i've told most of them that i get mood swings. so they are aware that my thoughts change from all white to all black. they're ok with it. and i now dont think of this as their favor. earlier i used to think, 'i dont need anyone''s help'

now i accept my friends help as friendship.

I don't want to commit suicide. I just can't think of any other way to end the deep void and loneliness. My ex has moved on and he was the only one who checked on me.

sorry to hear about your ex. i remember it hurt me very bad when a friend moved on and didnt reply to my text. last week i called a colleague and we had nothing to discuss. i felt so left out after that phone call.

Now I just sit alone in my apartment. Please Please Please help me. I don't want to die.

its gonna be all right. this forum has helped me a lot. hope you also find the help. we may be alone but we're alone together. and it's not all our fault. we didnt ask for this ailment.

omega30 wrote:.......he was the only one who checked on me.

Well that's not true, there's lots of people here who want to know how you're doing so you don't need to feel all alone, just come on here, let it all out, and we'll be here to listen.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're the only one of you there is, and you deserve to be in a better place.

Take care

Omega30 - you deserve so much better than how your family taught you to feel about yourself. It seems that you don't think you deserve to have anyone love/care about you and if they do, you think there is something wrong with them.

I have felt like this most of my life and it was only by the time I reached my late 30s that I realized that it didn't have to be this way. I read a lot of books about relationships - healthy ones, dysfunctional families and the patterns we learn, codependency, love addiction etc. I also worked on issues of self esteem and read books on happiness and learned what I like in life.

I spent a long time working on myself and it paid off because I now have my 3 kids almost all grown up and doing well in life - I have a fiance that I have a happy and healthy relationship with for 4.5 years and I have been in a mostly happy career for the last 10 years running a law office.

It seems the self esteem is the first place to start - you need to feel okay about you before you can attract other people in your life and keep them there without sabotaging your relationships. Why don't you learn a new hobby, get a pet, take a course, try a part time job? Any of these things could be the first step to starting to feel good about you.