Congratulations to myself, another lost friendship...

So I just did it again. Told one of my friends i don't need this friendship anymore.
I don't know. I only try to keep my life simple by cutting ppl off when I sense any sign of annoyance.
But it's lonely out there... No matter what I do, it seems it's wrong. If I'm friendly, I'm way too friendly. If I'm not, I'm sullen or extremely bitter.
I feel the need to be... hated, I think? I sometimes say stuff only to annoy those around me or only to see how they react. But I always end up being the one who is hurt. I want to be better, but I don't believe I deserve it.

even i've ended many friendships, lost my job due to arrogance. i thought too high of myself, like i'm some hero and told people 'i dont need anyone.'

i would dream of being successful n giving interviews like 'always follow yourself' n 'friendship is for losers'

now i regret those thoughts.

wish i could give better advice.

I don't have any friends, at least not any I can hangout with in person. My closest friend lives 3,000 miles away. I barely even speak to him, but he's the only "friend" I've kept in my life over the last 3/4 years. I find it easier to be friends when there's distance between me and the others. I mean honestly at least they can't ever leave me, not in a "moving away" kind of way at least. I'm always terrified of that, and I don't see the point in making connections with people when that's a very real possibility. It may not be for 10 years, but then that would hurt even more imo.

Aside from him I don't have any friends. It's definitely very lonely, but it saves me heartache in the long-run.. so I guess I'd rather be lonely the rest of my life.
(It always amuses me when people assume I have friends. I mean most people think I'm super normal, and incredibly friendly.. buuut I just don't have any friends.)

Thank you both for your replies...

I don't consider myself a special snowflake who doesn't need friends... On the contrary, I need them too much. And I realize this at times. So I try to adjust it. But it's way too drastic. Because I can't make any soft change. Middle ground.. I have no idea how to achieve it.
If someone was to ask me what my addiction is, I'd undoubtely answer 'humans'. But I keep relapsing on them. I don't know. It's not an unhealthy 'addiction' in general, but I don't know how to handle it and that's why it is so bad.I can fake being a nice person up to a point. Sooner or later, I'll do something that will show others that 'something's not really right with her, but hard to tell specifically what.' And the emptiness will still be there, at the end of the day. Be it felt as anger or depression-like episodes.

My only 2 friends live quite far from here, but I feel that our friendship is slowly falling apart. Eh.. regarding that. Having another person which I can't even call a 'friend' because I felt no emotional connection, but it was good to talk to, till I decided I can't take it anymore... Ugh. Awful. It's debilitating in a way it wasn't before. I thought that it'll be better and easier to go over it.

All this thing makes me feel more attached to those other friends of mine. I made such a stupid mistake. In a moment of weakness, I've asked my friend out. Yeah, really stupid. Hard to really tell how I feel about him. But I can honestly tell you he has helped me going through tough times and it's like a sparkle of optimism in my dark life. I told myself so much that I'm too mentally challenged to ever consider a relationship with him. Despite being so tempting to try it. I feel like I destroyed something. The even more stupid thing is that my phone crashed mid-conversation with him. That happened 2 days ago. And I'm too lazy to crawl outside and get a new phone. What might he think of me? He's probably the person I feel the most confortable with, I do care about him, but I guess I've made a huge mistake. he turned me down. of course I was almost sure he would. (ironically, if I knew that there were big chances of not being turned down, I wouldn't have done it). forgot to mention. he's going through some hard times, too.

It's so tempting to try to overdose on stuff. But I have no alcohol left. And pills... never took any. But it doesn't matter anymore, I'm willing to try anything. But I guess I'll just end up doing my typical self harm: pushing myself into walls, hitting them with all my body, my fists, my head, my toes. Till I think I've had enough.

And to cap it all, I'm a med student and I didn't intend to apply for med school. . 1st year. And it sucks. I wanted to go for something science-oriented, like maths or chemistry. I used to believe I was sharp... but who knows. Let's just say that I've had some pretty results in olympiads in these 2 fields. And more important.. Intrinsic motivation and satisfaction. But my mother knows it better for me, it seems...
I have an anatomy exam on 3rd of february. And (bad thing) I have so much to revise for it. Only if I haven't lacked the motivation... I am surrounded by notes and books, but I just can't do much anymore. Things went according to my schedule till last week. But now... I don't know, I just can't advance any further, I can barely focus on reading more than one page at a time.