Fear of abandonment?

Do any of you not have fear of abandonment? Or if you have it then how does it manifest?

I'm interested to know because as far as I know it's not technically a requirement to have it yet a lot of sources I read seem to mention it as being at the heart of BPD. Which obviously would be contradictory in that case.

I have trouble understanding what BPD really is in general to be honest, more so than any other Cluster B personality disorder for some reason.

But anyway how do you relate or not relate to these criteria in particular. I'm especially interested in anyone diagnosed with BPD who doesn't meet these particular criteria (especially the bolded). thanks.

"1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5." - from DSM IV

'2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):
a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings
and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities.
b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal." - from DSM 5

It's my biggest BPD symptom and seems to drive all my other symptoms- for example I get angry and my moods change a lot when I feel abandoned.

It's technically possible for people with BPD to have some of the other symptoms and not this one, but I think this symptom is common and one of the strongest in many people with BPD.

My therapist said today that I have this symptom really badly. In my case it means that I can't deal with anyone else being ill and getting sympathy because it makes me feel abandoned.

I don't identify with it. There are exactly 3 people who I can say have ever really mattered to me, 2 of which I'm no longer in any contact with. I did become a little "frantic" when I wasn't getting any response, at one point, from the only person I've ever had a romantic attraction toward. She, along with one of the others did end up going dark on me, but I hardly feel affected by it today.

I think, in my case, it's just because of my other disorders that impair my empathy, and make me sort of a detached, reclusive person - for the most part.

I had it for about 25 years, but now it seems to be dormant because I finally found a healthy relationship. I used to end up with guys who would get really close, really fast and rush to move in together. We would feel so happy and connected and close for about a month and then usually the guy would pull away and I would freak out demanding more phone calls, more time together, more talks about where our relationship is going - of course this would drive the guy away from me, all this incessant neediness, clinginess and acting crazy.

If I had plans to see the guy and then he had to work or see his family or something, I would flip out screaming and crying and acting like he had just broken up with me. It would be like I could never see him again, even though I would probably see him the next night. If a guy suddenly made plans without telling me and I couldn't reach him, my whole life would revolve around getting a phone call and reconnecting because I was sure he had decided to leave me or go back to his ex or that he had had an accident or something.

I would try to get my boyfriend to spend as much time with me by being great in bed, giving him massages, cooking great meals, watching whatever he wanted on TV, whatever I could to keep him around and then when he wanted time apart, I would freak out screaming that I had done all of this stuff for him and now he was leaving me!

My relationships would usually have a pattern of doing all of this until the guy left or I decided I had to break up with him. We would be apart for a month or two and then the guy would call or write some romantic letter or something about missing me and we would meet and have great sex and profess our undying love and the cycle would continue a few times until I had had enough and I would break up with the guy for good. I would then be single for a year or two and start the process over again when I thought I was too lonely to be single anymore.

They describe it perfectly when they say it is FRANTIC cuz that is how I felt, like my life depended on me having this person with me NOW!

My fear of abandonment is very intense and easy to trigger. This fear is seriously more than I can handle, no coping strategies work when it strikes because it overrides everything. I hope that it will begin dissipating as I get older, have more life experience, and am not slipping into my child self as easily.

My partner's fear of abandonment manifests in her finding another relationship to "have ready" should the current one fail. To make herself feel worth something she tells the new person that the old one has been abusing them, she did this with me 20 yeas ago and is now using me as the abuser.

this was always a huge problem for me, but in hindsight i think it came down to a deep insecurity. not like "i feel awkward" insecurity, but actually feeling unstable and like i couldn't get what i needed from people. so i had to keep them close and do whatever it took in order to get affection/attention/etc. in the past i thought it was love or connection, but now i see it as a desperate clinging to what i perceived to be my only resources.

as i became more secure in myself, i saw it for what it was and let go. now i don't know if i've ever really loved anyone. i think i just kept them in my clutches out of fear. so i no longer deal with that problem, but the flip side is that i want NOTHING from people now. have veered much more to the schizoid and just want everyone to leave me alone.

go figure, black and white thinking. once a borderline, always a borderline, ha!

I'm terrified of abandonment. For me I don't make friends because I'm terrified of them leaving me/moving away. My partner also gets to deal with me thinking he's always going to leave me. Like our most recent fight he made me feel like a burden, so I automatically assumed he was going to leave me (and this was over him being annoyed that I asked him to go get Starbucks with me, despite there being one literally 4 blocks away from my apartment. -so essentially him breaking up with me over Starbucks in my head). I've also in the past held people on the back-burner for when the relationship was going to crash and burn. I just didn't want to be alone. I also get really paranoid about being left if I'm not texted back quickly enough, and sometimes I even assume my partner is dead.

Yes totally.

As I start to peel the layers of my emotions and personality, this is really big for me.

If anything threatens my security (usually all false), I lash out. fake breakups. Silent treatment. Anger big one for me), blame others, etc.

If I don't hear from people immediately, anything and everything is a (false) sign something is wrong.

lyratheowl wrote:I'm interested to know because as far as I know it's not technically a requirement to have it yet a lot of sources I read seem to mention it as being at the heart of BPD. Which obviously would be contradictory in that case.

No exactly. It only means that majority of people with BPD would manifest strong fear of abandonment, however it is possible to be diagnosed with BPD, even though the symptom is not presented.

lyratheowl wrote:Do any of you not have fear of abandonment? Or if you have it then how does it manifest?

In my case it is VERY strong. Meaning that in every close romantic relationship (I don't know how, but I don't react like that with friends, rather I'm quite good at long-term friendships) I'm always convinced that the relation is not forever. I'm strongly convinced that the other one would sooner or later break up with me. The more paranoid I get, the more convincing little things are - like "he doesn't reply my message > he must want to leave me". My brain simply doesn't let the option "he's fallen asleep/he's battery's run out/ect." to be true.
Also - if truly abandoned (or if I believe to be) - it's literally like somebody's would punch you straight into the stomach. Your vision just goes blank for a moment, you start trembling and shaking. I would assume that it looks like PTSD in such a case (however I don't have PTSD, nor I know anyone with such, so it's only my assumption of how it feels).

lyratheowl wrote:I'm especially interested in anyone diagnosed with BPD who doesn't meet these particular criteria (especially the bolded). thanks.
(...)perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities

I also do manifest such white and black thinking, but I think I somehow can cope with such a biased perception. I would use an example - lately a friend of mine called my favourite beauty blogger "hideous". I instantly got triggered, since I do try to look like her, since I adore her appearance. Having these two, I simply jumped to conclusion that he'd said I'd been ugly. So at instant I hated him, everything about him and want to murder him
However, I know better than that, and didn't attack him verbally, just simply said nothing. I indeed hated him at that moment, but limited the feeling only to myself. The next thing is that I do experience mood shifts, hence about an hour later I simply stopped hating him. And once again - in my mind he was a good friend.
BTW - I didn't even know it's an issue, until my psychiatrist told me. I thought that everybody has such extreme changing perception of things.