Confidence

I've posted on here about this before, quite a few months ago, but the issue still remains.

My confidence is absolutely shot.

It's a huge combination of things (my boyfriend doesn't know how to be sexual or show that he's attracted to me, I'm out of shape compared to what I used to look/feel like, we're in a city surrounded by girls who are in shape and pretty, etc.) I find myself not being able to function certain days because of it. We'll be going out somewhere or walking down the street, and if I see a girl who I feel is more attractive than me (almost always), I will seriously turn around and head home. A few times, I tried discussing it with my boyfriend and it didn't help. It actually made things worse in the moment, so I skipped over trying to talk about it and just went straight to going home and going to bed. I've talked about it with my therapist, too, and there just seems to be no solution.

I compare myself to EVERYONE. And it's weird, because it's more of an inadequate thing than a no-confidence thing. Like, if there were girls around me 24/7 who I just felt were less attractive than me, I'd obviously feel fine. Because I don't think I'm ugly necessarily, I just don't think I'm as good-looking or that my personality is as good as other girls'.

I know this is a messy rambling mess. I don't even know how to explain it other than the fact that I feel like $#%^ all the time, and when I try to do something about it I knock myself back down.

Has anyone ever gone through this?

Rambles are good never worry ..i also babble and i understood everything

This was me for 3 years ..i have lived the same situation as yourself and its hard ...i quit smoking 5 years ago and over a few months i saw i was putting weight on it scared me as i have always had a great body ( was a glamore model when i was younger) when i moved to be with my ex ..he never told me i looked or smelled nice (very irritating) then i stop caring how i looked and became a little bigger i stopped going out ..NOW i have changed my mindset and i am changing for me i have started to looking in the mirror and smile and say hmmm looking good girl

I swim for my exercise btw

We have to feel sexy so i do understand ..the important thing to remember when we feel good we are healthy ...do it for you feel good about yourself first ..###$ everyone else ...you need your confidence back ...go get it girl

Just to add a guy's perspective to Echinacea's post: attraction isn't always a relative thing; we all have unique tastes and even if we may seem superficial at times, most guys, if they're in love with you, will view your appearance as an extension of your personality. So the more confident in yourself you are, the sexier to your partner you'll seem.

The reason curves and bigger butts have become more mainstream isn't just because of the Kardashians; men have always liked those things, it's just that the culture never gave us permission to be vocal about it. KK gave a pre-existing niche some much needed street cred, is all. There may be a small fraction of society that is truly unattractive to everyone else, but for the remaining 99% (or whatever), there's a match for everyone. Meaning, just because you think those girls are more attractive than you, doesn't mean he feels that way.

However. If he's also having sexual performance issues, he might also be watching too much porn (there's a good pop-science book on neuroplasticity called The Brain That Changes Itself, which has a chapter explaining it in detail). Most men watch porn, but there are degrees, and unless we also have a confident sexual momentum, it can majorly affect what makes us aroused. A good tell for this is always wanting the lights out, or if his eyes are constantly closed---sex should be about the two of you; not some mutual masturbation session.

Like any issue, if your boyfriend doesn't want to discuss these things or take you seriously, you may need to consider whether you're in a healthy place with him. I've seen a fit-looking bloke marry a super obese freckle-faced gamer, and I've seen an average-looking obese bloke marry a competitive NABBA female bodybuilder. The idea that there's an actual beauty standard is a fallacy. Our tastes are no less varied than our appearances.

Will Incandenza wrote:Just to add a guy's perspective to Echinacea's post: attraction isn't always a relative thing; we all have unique tastes and even if we may seem superficial at times, most guys, if they're in love with you, will view your appearance as an extension of your personality. So the more confident in yourself you are, the sexier to your partner you'll seem.

Thanks for the addition and its nice to get a guys side on it.
i have come to realize that, thats exactly how my ex thinks too, he loves my personality and my looks but what he liked/loved more was my confidence ..then when i became depressed that's when things changed.

thanks Will

what is confidence?
do you think you'll fail?
are you willing to fail?
are you afraid to succeed?
are you trying to maximise your profit on investment?
is is the juice wurth the squeeze

ofc is the juice is not wurth the squeeze
all there is is the race not the price

TW

Pretty girls are great to look at but that is a very short lived joy.
My BPD caused me to date a lot in my past and I have dated women of many nationalities and backgrounds

Did I ever stay with a girl because she was pretty - NO
Did I stay with a girl because she was understanding, fun, made me a better person and had mutually good sex - YES.

You; actually we all are, more that what we look like.

Have you ever tried mantras? They can be a good way to improve confidence, self esteem, self worth etc

ps lift weights (powertraining) geat way to get testosterone up and give me more willpower

Echinacea wrote:Rambles are good never worry ..i also babble and i understood everything

This was me for 3 years ..i have lived the same situation as yourself and its hard ...i quit smoking 5 years ago and over a few months i saw i was putting weight on it scared me as i have always had a great body ( was a glamore model when i was younger) when i moved to be with my ex ..he never told me i looked or smelled nice (very irritating) then i stop caring how i looked and became a little bigger i stopped going out ..NOW i have changed my mindset and i am changing for me i have started to looking in the mirror and smile and say hmmm looking good girl

I swim for my exercise btw

We have to feel sexy so i do understand ..the important thing to remember when we feel good we are healthy ...do it for you feel good about yourself first ..###$ everyone else ...you need your confidence back ...go get it girl

Thank you for this. Swimming is awesome and such a good way to exercise without it feeling like exercise. Have you ever tried kickboxing? I've been doing it lately. I'm picky with exercise but love to go to the classes.

Will Incandenza wrote:Just to add a guy's perspective to Echinacea's post: attraction isn't always a relative thing; we all have unique tastes and even if we may seem superficial at times, most guys, if they're in love with you, will view your appearance as an extension of your personality. So the more confident in yourself you are, the sexier to your partner you'll seem.

The reason curves and bigger butts have become more mainstream isn't just because of the Kardashians; men have always liked those things, it's just that the culture never gave us permission to be vocal about it. KK gave a pre-existing niche some much needed street cred, is all. There may be a small fraction of society that is truly unattractive to everyone else, but for the remaining 99% (or whatever), there's a match for everyone. Meaning, just because you think those girls are more attractive than you, doesn't mean he feels that way.

However. If he's also having sexual performance issues, he might also be watching too much porn (there's a good pop-science book on neuroplasticity called The Brain That Changes Itself, which has a chapter explaining it in detail). Most men watch porn, but there are degrees, and unless we also have a confident sexual momentum, it can majorly affect what makes us aroused. A good tell for this is always wanting the lights out, or if his eyes are constantly closed---sex should be about the two of you; not some mutual masturbation session.

Like any issue, if your boyfriend doesn't want to discuss these things or take you seriously, you may need to consider whether you're in a healthy place with him. I've seen a fit-looking bloke marry a super obese freckle-faced gamer, and I've seen an average-looking obese bloke marry a competitive NABBA female bodybuilder. The idea that there's an actual beauty standard is a fallacy. Our tastes are no less varied than our appearances.

Hey, thank you. He actually doesn't watch porn, we've talked about it a few times. We've had a few conversations about it, and he told me it isn't at all that he isn't attracted to me. He says it's the opposite but that he has trouble having the confidence in himself to do something about it, which affects me pretty badly. I noticed that when I do accept his advances, he never has issues performance-wise. I just think that when he does make advances I think they're fake, or he's just saying/doing it to make me feel better. All of this is probably because he isn't confident in himself, but it doesn't make me feel too great. I'm working on making myself feel good and not relying on him. Although, it would be nice to be able to feel good by him. He tells me daily, hourly if I need it, that he isn't attracted to anyone but me. I brought this up with my therapist and she totally made me feel like crap about it, confirming my fear that that isn't possible - he just lied to make me feel better. Part of me is just trying to tell myself that we've been dating a year, he's well-intended, and loves me, and that maybe it is possible and true. Just sucks to have someone as important as a therapist knock you down like that, you know? Thanks for taking the time out to respond. You're awesome.

Echinacea wrote:he loves my personality and my looks but what he liked/loved more was my confidence ..then when i became depressed that's when things changed.

My depression could be affecting the way he sees me, too. That makes a lot of sense. It's not only affecting my view of me, but his, too. Good point. This gives me hope that maybe it will get better as I do.

madjoe wrote:Have you ever tried mantras? They can be a good way to improve confidence, self esteem, self worth etc

I actually haven't tried this. What kind of mantras would I use? Would they really help? I feel like they don't, but if you tell me they do I'll try it!

Thank you for this. Swimming is awesome and such a good way to exercise without it feeling like exercise. Have you ever tried kickboxing?

Sadly i cant do kickboxing , i have a disability that weakens my right side of body
(see my blog if you would like to know more) about it.
my physiotherapist said swimming is the best form of exercise for me as 90% of the work isnt felt due the deep water

My depression could be affecting the way he sees me, too. That makes a lot of sense. It's not only affecting my view of me, but his, too. Good point. This gives me hope that maybe it will get better as I do.

Exactly ..i had no idea until it was to late, we break up 18 months ago and he only told me about a week ago ..."said he loved my confidence, dominance" lol ...then i changed go figure huh

Try and see how you can change back the way you were if you can, try and pinpoint where things changed and work on them...one at a time ..learn to love yourself again

I know exactly where you are at. Feeling less than around more attractive girls. And if I'm with my bf it makes me sick to my stomach.

StevieGirl wrote:He tells me daily, hourly if I need it, that he isn't attracted to anyone but me. I brought this up with my therapist and she totally made me feel like crap about it, confirming my fear that that isn't possible - he just lied to make me feel better.

I think your therapist could have used a more mindful and sensitive approach but I think she was trying to say this. Our attraction overall to a person we are in love with is astoundingly huge. But...that doesn't mean we can't appreciate beauty from someplace else. Take for instance an actor who you think is hot. You acknowledge that he's hot and may even go mmmmhmmm but that doesn't mean you stop thinking your boyfriend is hot or not attracted to him anymore. It just means that we can think someone looks pretty or cute or hot but may not be necessarily attracted to them where its enough to leave our partners. Yes this happens sometimes. But there's nothing wrong with you appreciating a hot actor...doesn't mean you're leaving your boyfriend. That's why I think your therapist was saying that it isn't possible.

So a pretty girl can walk by. He can look at her and think to himself she's pretty. But that doesn't mean he's done with you. Trust me...this is still a problem in my life and I deal with it almost everyday. Low self esteem and confidence. But this is what I try to tell myself. I am very much in love with my boyfriend. I find him to be immensely attractive. But I can look at an actor and go DANG he's fine....or actually see an attractive man walking down the street and go WHEW. And it doesn't change how I feel about my boyfriend. If anything makes me want him more and gets me excited to see him. So hopefully you can see it this way and know that it's ok for us to be in a relationship and find other people pretty or cute. We are programmed that way I guess.

I believe in working on one's self inadvertently makes us appealing to them.