guilt abandonment and feeling used

I started talking to this guy awhile back, I'd say about 3 months ago, it was right near my last breakup so I let him know it wasn't going to work because I wasn't over it. Which, in effect, was complete and utter BS. I just didn't like his personality. He has aspergers, not that there's anything wrong with that, I have a lot of friends with aspergers. But no, there was something that didn't sit well with me about him. We would basically center every convo around him and his life and his material things (which was mainly what he liked talking about) and his accomplishments. And when we did talk about me he was insulting me (which my bpd didn't handle very well as many's wouldn't) but it was always "a joke" and "what you can't take a joke?" He would point out all my flaws, problems with my makeup, skin, body, clothes etc etc. I'm assuming it was a mixture of him being uncomfortable in his own skin and insecure and the fact that ppl with this disorder don't have a filter. Anyway, I told him the famous long "im just not ready for a relationship right now but dont worry, ill hit you up when i am". I blocked his number right away because honestly, this guy was just plain annoying to me at the start. And then he popped up over my social media about 2 months ago and I thought about giving him another chance, after all he was supeeeeer into me and highly validating, things we need/enjoy. I went on a date with him, I should've known from this point forward things were gonna suck because he showed up an hour and a half late to our very first date. I was a bit upset but didn't let it show. We turned out having a great first date and I wanted to see him more. I still didn't have feelings for him and wasn't particularly attracted but thought, what the hell i'll start to feel those things over time im sure. Now, for the next two weeks he did EVERYTHING in his power to seek me out and make me feel like a tiny little princess. He took me to expensive restaurants, bought my parents wine that costed more than some hookers, brought me on a shopping sprees where he would spend 2500 dollars (I kept saying no but cmon im a girl my heart was saying yes lol) and was just a perfect gentleman. There were some red flags, hed show up to clubs i went to with my girls or I'd say I had a sore throat when I was out downtown at a bar and he'd show up out of the blue with halls. I ignored the creepiness and received it as endearing. This just made me fall for him over time. He always wanted to see me he`d facetime/text regularly. He works as a ceo of some phone company thing that im terrible at explaining so he even got me a new one cause mine was broken- not just me even- even a new one for my little sister! The whole family loved him and I finally thought to myself "hey ! I finally found a good guy!" So i let myself fall slowly because I was afraid to fall completely knowing my track record. We had sex around the third week finally, I really wasn''t that attracted to him before that but at that point i was and he convinced me by saying "you know, i ask u everyday when youre going to be my girlfriend so why dont we just do it. i mean... you know im not going anywhere" so i obliged thinking well ya, hes right. One night he kept asking me when id be his girl so i finally said i was ready cause i liked him a lot at this point and his response was "no no youre joking, i dont want to do it till youre ready" to which i said " but im ready!" We ended up saying we were together that night but by the end of the night his comment made me feel not ready indeed so i told him nvm, no relationship yet but soon because i do like him at this point. I guess this little comment of his made me aboard the crazy train. I got really in my head about how to respond to his messages to make him like me more, i started freaking out if he wasnt contacting me as much thinking he was going to abandon me. Now, every time after this i wasnt rly connecting with him as much anymore because I was so nervous he was showing me signs he'd leave that i was dissociating or ruminating about it. Thereafter, he started being a real dick to me. We would have plans, he'd stand me up, not even texting why. He'd start doing everything by his schedule , claiming "work and debt had him rly busy and preoccupied so thats why we go to motels at like 12 am babe". Like an idiot, i stuck this out because i was like infatuated remembering how he used to treat me. Now we were just going to hotels every few days a weeek and his excuse was that he was so busy w work and he never remembers to answer about other plans because of his aspergers/ adhd. I believed him. sigh. Was definitely not catching on in hopes that we could go back to normal. I still believed he rly liked me because he'd tell me i was his everything, princess, angel yadayada, and when i said this was it im rly ready for a relationship w you right now he said, well youre my everything and so i dont want to lose you like what happened with girls before you because of work. Cause apparently they left cause his work got too busy for their lives too. Anyway, eventually i caught up with his #######4 and said do you just not like me anymore? pls tell me the truth, and he said, he " no longer felt a connection between us" like we dont have much in common.

I mean this killed me because of course, my borderline rly cant deal with rejection.
But it rly hit hard cause it felt like he was saying i wasnt enough for him, I really wanted to work it out with him and to heard that was a knife in my side. I really started regretting and i still do, how i went crazy in my own mind and kind of broke the connection. I keep thinking to myself that I had this really great guy that was giving me the world, telling me i was wifey material and $#%^, and I ###$ it all up. Now where am i going to find another like that? It's like the second i started liking him back he stopped. I also take this as a huge blow to my personality cause i felt like he was saying it wasnt enough to sustain him. I have this irrational need to want to work with everyone i get into relationships with, even just flings. HELLLP ME.
Agh, so ya now im living with guilt everyday, if anyone has suggestions or smtg to say that can help stop the guilt of losing him that'd be superb.

He also said "looks arent everything and im attracted to you but i dont feel interested like i used to that was then" and i think i was rly triggered by the "looks arent everything comment" because my mom ( my caretaker i have a lot of problems with) would ALWAYS say this to me to project her narcissm onto me. He also had some narcissistic qualities as well, not saying he was a narc just had some traits. Maybe i was attracted to that as well? I know bpds rly are attracted to npds.
(altho i know aspergers can also appear very much like npd so maybe thats a part of the attraction as well)
SO ya, leave me with your thoughts. Anything will help:) sorry about how novel- length this post is, jeezus. But it was very theraputic for me to write so thanks to whomever takes the time to read through this yowzas you're the real MVPs!

ps. I also felt very used for sex, like obviously im going to feel used, he said all this to me before getting me into bed and anytime he was in my presence he would make empty promises towards me again just to get into my pantaloons again! (ie. one time i was mad at him at the motel cause he never answered my texts for like days and he was kissing me being all sweet ..forehead kisses *gush* *sigh* and i said id lost two of my favorite rings and he said , "lemme know where theyre from and if u still cant find them, ill get the exact same ones for u again", which was obviously adorable but then the next morning he went home and never texted all day and when i texted him the day after that he wrote a one word answer and a few days later stated he couldnt be with me anymore. But he definitely said the ring comment because he knew itd work, seeing as after he said it, i slept w him. stupidly.

Again sry for the length of the post, no super offensive mean comments, im at a really sensitive state in life right now:( pls be kind! xoxo<3

somebody anybody helllpp!!

Wow I hope you are starting to recover now.

There are so many warning flags all over that story and at everyone I was screaming at you "don't do it".

I don't feel I am able to give you much good advise on how to cope with that now you have gone through it other than write it off as a learning experience.

The guy sounds like a complete cun7, a motel???? Why not his place or yours.

Sending you hugs

I dont know what to say. looks to me he just wanted to have sex with you. many guys do it.

-- Thu Jun 09, 2016 9:10 am --

I dont know what to say. looks to me he just wanted to have sex with you. many guys do it.

You are better off without that kind of rubbish.
Sounds like he was using you for his own needs only.

Concentrate on your recovery.

crescentmoonwalk wrote:I started talking to this guy awhile back, I'd say about 3 months ago, it was right near my last breakup so I let him know it wasn't going to work because I wasn't over it. Which, in effect, was complete and utter BS. I just didn't like his personality. He has aspergers, not that there's anything wrong with that, I have a lot of friends with aspergers. But no, there was something that didn't sit well with me about him. We would basically center every convo around him and his life and his material things (which was mainly what he liked talking about) and his accomplishments. And when we did talk about me he was insulting me (which my bpd didn't handle very well as many's wouldn't) but it was always "a joke" and "what you can't take a joke?" He would point out all my flaws, problems with my makeup, skin, body, clothes etc etc. I'm assuming it was a mixture of him being uncomfortable in his own skin and insecure and the fact that ppl with this disorder don't have a filter. Anyway, I told him the famous long "im just not ready for a relationship right now but dont worry, ill hit you up when i am". I blocked his number right away because honestly, this guy was just plain annoying to me at the start. And then he popped up over my social media about 2 months ago and I thought about giving him another chance, after all he was supeeeeer into me and highly validating, things we need/enjoy. I went on a date with him, I should've known from this point forward things were gonna suck because he showed up an hour and a half late to our very first date. I was a bit upset but didn't let it show. We turned out having a great first date and I wanted to see him more. I still didn't have feelings for him and wasn't particularly attracted but thought, what the hell i'll start to feel those things over time im sure. Now, for the next two weeks he did EVERYTHING in his power to seek me out and make me feel like a tiny little princess. He took me to expensive restaurants, bought my parents wine that costed more than some hookers, brought me on a shopping sprees where he would spend 2500 dollars (I kept saying no but cmon im a girl my heart was saying yes lol) and was just a perfect gentleman. There were some red flags, hed show up to clubs i went to with my girls or I'd say I had a sore throat when I was out downtown at a bar and he'd show up out of the blue with halls. I ignored the creepiness and received it as endearing. This just made me fall for him over time. He always wanted to see me he`d facetime/text regularly. He works as a ceo of some phone company thing that im terrible at explaining so he even got me a new one cause mine was broken- not just me even- even a new one for my little sister! The whole family loved him and I finally thought to myself "hey ! I finally found a good guy!" So i let myself fall slowly because I was afraid to fall completely knowing my track record. We had sex around the third week finally, I really wasn''t that attracted to him before that but at that point i was and he convinced me by saying "you know, i ask u everyday when youre going to be my girlfriend so why dont we just do it. i mean... you know im not going anywhere" so i obliged thinking well ya, hes right. One night he kept asking me when id be his girl so i finally said i was ready cause i liked him a lot at this point and his response was "no no youre joking, i dont want to do it till youre ready" to which i said " but im ready!" We ended up saying we were together that night but by the end of the night his comment made me feel not ready indeed so i told him nvm, no relationship yet but soon because i do like him at this point. I guess this little comment of his made me aboard the crazy train. I got really in my head about how to respond to his messages to make him like me more, i started freaking out if he wasnt contacting me as much thinking he was going to abandon me. Now, every time after this i wasnt rly connecting with him as much anymore because I was so nervous he was showing me signs he'd leave that i was dissociating or ruminating about it. Thereafter, he started being a real dick to me. We would have plans, he'd stand me up, not even texting why. He'd start doing everything by his schedule , claiming "work and debt had him rly busy and preoccupied so thats why we go to motels at like 12 am babe". Like an idiot, i stuck this out because i was like infatuated remembering how he used to treat me. Now we were just going to hotels every few days a weeek and his excuse was that he was so busy w work and he never remembers to answer about other plans because of his aspergers/ adhd. I believed him. sigh. Was definitely not catching on in hopes that we could go back to normal. I still believed he rly liked me because he'd tell me i was his everything, princess, angel yadayada, and when i said this was it im rly ready for a relationship w you right now he said, well youre my everything and so i dont want to lose you like what happened with girls before you because of work. Cause apparently they left cause his work got too busy for their lives too. Anyway, eventually i caught up with his #######4 and said do you just not like me anymore? pls tell me the truth, and he said, he " no longer felt a connection between us" like we dont have much in common.

I mean this killed me because of course, my borderline rly cant deal with rejection.
But it rly hit hard cause it felt like he was saying i wasnt enough for him, I really wanted to work it out with him and to heard that was a knife in my side. I really started regretting and i still do, how i went crazy in my own mind and kind of broke the connection. I keep thinking to myself that I had this really great guy that was giving me the world, telling me i was wifey material and $#%^, and I ###$ it all up. Now where am i going to find another like that? It's like the second i started liking him back he stopped. I also take this as a huge blow to my personality cause i felt like he was saying it wasnt enough to sustain him. I have this irrational need to want to work with everyone i get into relationships with, even just flings. HELLLP ME.
Agh, so ya now im living with guilt everyday, if anyone has suggestions or smtg to say that can help stop the guilt of losing him that'd be superb.

He also said "looks arent everything and im attracted to you but i dont feel interested like i used to that was then" and i think i was rly triggered by the "looks arent everything comment" because my mom ( my caretaker i have a lot of problems with) would ALWAYS say this to me to project her narcissm onto me. He also had some narcissistic qualities as well, not saying he was a narc just had some traits. Maybe i was attracted to that as well? I know bpds rly are attracted to npds.
(altho i know aspergers can also appear very much like npd so maybe thats a part of the attraction as well)
SO ya, leave me with your thoughts. Anything will help:) sorry about how novel- length this post is, jeezus. But it was very theraputic for me to write so thanks to whomever takes the time to read through this yowzas you're the real MVPs!

ps. I also felt very used for sex, like obviously im going to feel used, he said all this to me before getting me into bed and anytime he was in my presence he would make empty promises towards me again just to get into my pantaloons again! (ie. one time i was mad at him at the motel cause he never answered my texts for like days and he was kissing me being all sweet ..forehead kisses *gush* *sigh* and i said id lost two of my favorite rings and he said , "lemme know where theyre from and if u still cant find them, ill get the exact same ones for u again", which was obviously adorable but then the next morning he went home and never texted all day and when i texted him the day after that he wrote a one word answer and a few days later stated he couldnt be with me anymore. But he definitely said the ring comment because he knew itd work, seeing as after he said it, i slept w him. stupidly.

Again sry for the length of the post, no super offensive mean comments, im at a really sensitive state in life right now:( pls be kind! xoxo<3

I did read the whole thing, and I'm really, really sorry this happened to you.

In all honesty, he sounds like a creep. I'm not sure I'm supposed to say this, but are you sure he has Asperger's? Everything you say makes him sound extremely Narc.

Believe it or not, I've heard of people who claim to have Asperger's because it lets them get away with stuff they wouldn't ordinarily be able to get away with.

I really think you are better off without him. He is a jerk, even though he managed to get into your head. Narcs seem to know how to do that. They have some talent for pushing the right buttons, and borderlines for whatever reason seem particularly susceptible to it.

You didn't like him at first. In my experience, I have found its always a good idea to trust our first impressions about a person. They are usually correct. I've had similar experiences where I didn't like someone on the first date, but kept dating them for whatever reason, to later "fall" for them, only to realize in the end that my initial impression was correct and they ended up being a douchebag.

Remember how you felt about him at first. You didn't like him and weren't attracted to him. Whatever tricks he did on you, were probably just that...illusions, smoke and mirrors.

everyone on here is always so kind and all your sweet words always rly help me see the situation clearly for what it rly was.

and motherrussia i believe you're 100% right about him seeming like a complete narc, i heard the sweep people off their feet (like he did to me) only to set them down when they feel. And I think im also going to try to think to myself in a way like "i actually had the upper hand all along because I didnt like HIM at first muhahaha" lol

And I do think most of it was to get into my pants as some of you mentioned, whether he knew he was using me for that sole purpose or not.

Gdnight lovelies have a good evening:)

Out of curiosity what would you have done if he did take you back and things went back to "normal" would you then want to start treating him the same? It sounds like there was selfishness on both sides with regard to each others feelings. Do you think you would have just discarded him to have the upper hand per say after he took you back?

I can't date aspies. That may make me sound rude, but my BPD doesn't clash well with it.
One had an aspie boy tell me when I was a young teen (right after he manipulated and shamed me into sending him explicit pictures) to get back to him when I didn't look so traumatized because it was turning him off.
Maybe theyre not all bad but I'm not open to trying exposure therapy anytime soon.
Hope you get better <3