Would like advice on contacting my Ex!!

I was diagnosed with BPD about 3 years ago, I'm 23 now. During the time I was diagnosed I was in a relationship. The relationship was my longest relationship, my first ever 'love' relationship and the most intense relationship I've ever had. He broke up with me last year a little abruptly because we were having some fights and he said we just needed a break but said he still loved me and wanted me back. Well, that didn't happen because 2 weeks after we broke up he started seeing this girl he works with and I think they are still together. I'm having a problem not contacting him because I miss him a lot in my life and I have very few friends, he was closer to me than everyone else. I'm not looking to cause trouble though, when I found out he was seeing someone else I tried my best to be calm and wished him well and said I only wanted him to be happy. I've tried to be consistent with my contact, not getting angry, not getting threatening or over emotional, just trying to be calm and happy and supportive. A couple of times he's replied to me with something nice. I had the courage to delete him on facebook a few months (note that even though I was contacting him and he was ignoring me, he didn't delete me) He also didn't block my number. His new girlfriend is very controlling, she told him that he's not 'allowed' talk to me. I get urges to text him every so often, about once a month, sometimes I don't but other times I do try and the majority of the time I'm ignored but I don't ever send angry texts. I've moved on as much as I can, dated other people casually, made a new friend, but I can't seem to shake the bugging urge to text him and I know that stems from my BPD. Any advice? Do you think it's ok to contact every so often as long as I don't get angry? I never physically stalked him, even though I know where he lives, and I never call him, just send a text every now and then. I feel that if he blocked my number, I would give up texting because I don't want to look crazy, so I wouldn't get a new number to text him off or anything. His last words to me were 3 weeks ago and they were nice. He knows I have BPD too. He was there for a lot of the bad times but I did DBT this year and have calmed down a lot. I like to hold out a small hope in my heart that one day when we're both a bit more mature, we could get back together, because we're both very young now, so I do like to hold that connection for that too. But I'm not looking for him to come back to me now or anything, just a light friendship..

Why do you care about some asshole who dumped you to hook up with someone else?

I go through phases where I think that and I get on a high horse of hate and rage, but then I remember that he went through some really bad times with me when I was just diagnosed with BPD and a part of me doesn't blame him for wanting to leave? Like a part of me thinks I would do the same if I were him, but I know now I've changed a lot since a year in DBT.

I agree with Lucid on this one. I'd feel pretty insulted if someone broke up with me and hooked up with someone 2 weeks later. They'd definitely end up on the naughty list.

SunshineFlower wrote:I go through phases where I think that and I get on a high horse of hate and rage, but then I remember that he went through some really bad times with me when I was just diagnosed with BPD and a part of me doesn't blame him for wanting to leave? Like a part of me thinks I would do the same if I were him, but I know now I've changed a lot since a year in DBT.

And when you were at your worst, when you needed support and understanding or at least for him to try, he dumped you to date a coworker. I agree, why would you want him back?

I know its not what you really want to hear, but many of us have had the same "dilemma" ..but if your Self aware thats brilliant it means you can see your behavior and can help control some of it, you said DBT as has help change you and that's great, its only natural to want to show him your progress, but ...this isnt about him, this is your achievements and you should be really proud of yourself if you see this change in yourself...

Months ago i asked a similar question as you just did and i am so glad i didn't got back begging him, i am stronger now and i see my ex more or less every day in the shop driving past or arriving as i am leaving and you know i can look at him with no feeling of love now ..his just a person. i lived with him 4 years he though me out 12 months ago. because he couldn't cope with the moods (i had my reasons for my moods) they wasnt all my fault

Anyway do things for you and if you see this "new" you save it for a man that deserves the new you
thats all i can say really

I really wish I could be able to 'split' this one and permanently, not sure if that's used correctly, but I know many people with BPD can split and make someone bad in their head and that makes them shut down any good feelings for that person. This person has definitely done me wrong, but it's so hard to not try and contact him :S I sometimes don't even know what I'm looking for by trying to contact him, sometimes I feel it's a form of self harm, other times I'm hoping he'll start to fall in love with me again. Trust me, when I type that out or say it I know how desperate and miserable it sounds. I'm not even a desperate person, I've had many chances at having new boyfriends since him but I'm not good with intimacy and trusting especially since him. I sometimes feel like I'm under some kind of curse, I can go for so long feeling fine, not thinking about him and then after a period of time I get the intense urge to make contact, any contact. I have gotten better at self control, but sometimes I have relapses like today where I texted him a couple of times because I think he has a new number (I think he lost his old phone) so I felt safe to send texts because I don't think they reach him...but it's the idea that they might...I'm annoyed with myself for not being stronger in this area, in most other areas, I've gotten my emotions and urges under control...I think it's just particularly hard for me with my BPD to let go to a relationship that went so deep, I have had other boyfriends in the past, but none have effected me like this and not contacting them after break ups wasn't this hard :s

SunshineFlower wrote: I have had other boyfriends in the past, but none have effected me like this and not contacting them after break ups wasn't this hard :s

Same for me, i have also had other relationships and NEVER affected me this much ...but when i find out why i will surely share.

small village every one knows everyone here my therapist knows "of my ex" but obviously cant speak of him ..only "what do i feel happened"

Its hard when we dont know why we feel is harder with a particular r'ship than the others, but i need to find out (for my own knowledge) i even loved someone more and still this one was harder to get over.

Very odd that, isnt it.
So i can relate

If I were you, I would definitely 'split' But I am a MASTER OF SPLITTING So I actually find your attitude more mature and impressive in a way... You are so understanding for him.

On the other hand - he is in a relationship, so... it would be best if you moved on. It's been 3 years, that's a lot of time.

Figure out what you really want exactly - a relationship? a friendship? a meeting? When you'll know exactly, you can always try and just ask him for that. 'hey, I need a friend now, any possibility that we could meet?' if he replies, go for it. if he doesn't (ot if he replies 'no') forget about him and move on. this is your life, your 20s, the best times of your life, and there are plenty of great guys who are single at that age.

make sure this isn't you having an urge to punish yourself and your ex more or less representing shame. typically, if someone sticks around long after things have ended, it represents a deeper issue than what is playing on the surface. strictly speaking for myself, of course.

but i know the pains of wanting to text an ex so i am certainly not diminishing how frustrating/crippling it can be. there is an ex out there right now that i would just love to sink my teeth into, but he is a worthless mess of bones and skin and it will only reflect poorly on me. so i grind my teeth and trust the urge will pass. music helps. try working out or baking something. distraction is your friend!

and the think about this: if he isn't contacting you, he probably isn't thinking about you. and that is a repulsive truth, but you are better suited spending energy on someone worthy of your time. even if that someone is yourself, cupcake.