New member

Hello, I'm new here and I felt the need to introduce myself.
I'm a french woman so English isn't my native language (really sorry for the mistakes in advance) but on this forum I found people speaking the same language as me, somehow.

I've felt different all my life. Sometimes it 's a good feeling (I'm not like these sheep, I 'm better) but most of the time it's a bad feeling (I'm socially inadequate and I will ever be).
I've been diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago. I'm 30. I've always tried to reach a normal life , till approximately 5 years ago. At the time I had everything to be happy and yet I felt so empty. Normality was a burden too heavy to bear. Life is such a non-sense to me.

Only now do I understand that I'm not just a normal-person-with-normal-problems, like my mother told me, again and again and again. My mother stayed 20 years with a violent psychopath (my father) then 10 years with an alcoholic. (step dad). She grew up in a violent family as well so of course for her, violence was a normal thing. That being said, she wasn't actively violent like my father but she participated by not protecting her children and by being supportive of the abuse. My sister and I had to accept violence and had to stay quiet because my mother didn't want the violence to escalade. I've always hated injustice so sometimes I dared standing in front of my father (it made things getting worse of course but it was a win for me). I was bullied at middle school too, and the only time I answered with rage and violence has been the only efficient way to answer, even if my mother told me the "wise people answer with indifference" BS. When I understood that I have been trained being a quiet victim all my childhood, I became quite aggressive.

I've read the "you know you're bpd when" topic and I recognized myself in most of the posts written there. But what's the most difficult to handle, is the fact that I still don't know what's normal and what's not. I feel that I've lost so many years trying to be someone that I wasn't. I became (unconsciously of course) avoidant to handle my bpd. I also eat, a lot. Or I don't eat anything. I've always had a problem with food (/weight/appearance) and I think I'll always have. I'm not the rock n roll type (sex and drugs). I'm the annoying borderline type.

I can't connect to people anymore, I don't know how to do it. I know I WILL be replaced or forgotten or betrayed or lied to, so people became replaceable to me. Recently I wrecked a 3 year virtual friendship. I tried to make things better but it was too late and he stopped answering me. I 've pushed him too far. The fact is I don't care. I used to care a lot. Too much. But people always disappoint me. And when they do care about me, I test them, I use them then I discard them when I feel they become tired of my $#%^.

I was in a relationship with a sociopath 2 years ago. Worst suffering ever. I didn't know he was one at the beginning, even if he gave me many clues about that. I thought that he was just as "tortured normal" as I was. I thought that with our two dark personalities we could manage to reach light and happiness, in an unconventional yet conventional way. It only lasted 5 months. When I met him I was in a maniac phase : I lost weight, practiced sport, believed in the future, had other hobbies than eat and play videogames. I wanted to believe that I could be loved and that happiness was reachable.
But my flaws were still there, wide open , so it was easy with me I think. I didn't know that I was borderline then. I understand why I deserved to be exploited. I was so naive. And I still am somehow. It's like I can't learn from my mistakes.

I'm still confused about this relationship because he for sure is a high functioning sociopath so the truth remains unknown. I tried to play his own games when I understood who he was, it was fun and scary at the same time. It was the first time that I let my crazy sides speak. This game was funnier than the false relationship (I say false but of course he swears he really DID love me. As if...).
Sometimes I wish I could be like him. I find it unfair that I was so much mistreated and became a weak lamb instead of a predator. I hate myself for this weakness.

I still don't know what I feel about my ex. In fact I know but it changes 10 times a day. I hate him, I love him, I'm afraid of him, I want to become his submissive girl, I want to see him dead, I want to know he's happy, I want to understand his nature, I want to move on, I want to avenge, I see him like a piece of $#%^, I want to have sex with him, I don't want him to touch me ever again etc. etc.

The worst part is I believe that only a sociopath would put up with my $#%^. Moreover, I tend to dominate if my companion doesn't put limits. Also I like the sex after an argument, but I found no men who liked to argument. They tend to run away from that. Or they cry...
I hate impulsive men though. When a man begins to shout and be angry for no reason I feel the urge to strangle them and I become totally tetanized.

Speaking of relationships I don't even know what I want/ I need/is good for me/what I'm capable of..

There's still a lot to say but I'll stop here, I'm afraid that my English is so bad that it causes a headache.
Thank you for reading ; now I have to train myself about not giving a ###$ if I get no answer or rude answers (hey sociopath/psychopath) but it was my choice to write here after all. I'm such a rebel.

Welcome!

First of all, I'm really sorry that you had to go through all of that. It's one thing to experience all of the invalidation and violence as a child, but to grow up and deal with it as an adult, too...that's really unfair and tough.

I'm assuming you see a therapist or psychiatrist since someone diagnosed you as BPD. I'm only 20 (turning 21 in a few weeks) and I was just diagnosed last year. Sometimes I feel so guilty for being diagnosed so young, because there are people 10+ years older than me who are just now finding out what is going on with their emotions. I can't imagine going 30 years without a proper diagnosis and not being able to treat it the right way. I'm so sorry for that.

Just remember - the great thing about this, is that now you can start building yourself. You have almost a second chance at your life and personality and relationships. BPD is hard to live with, but it's also very treatable, if you allow yourself to be treated and heal.

I suggest looking into finding a therapist who practices DBT. If you don't know what DBT is, it's a type of therapy specifically designed for us Borderlines. You can read about it here: http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm
I can tell you firsthand, DBT has been an absolute lifesaver. I get the feeling you're very confused about all of your emotions and behavior - as you should be, it's confusing and a whirlwind! You also said you don't know what you want, need, or are capable of. DBT will help you unlock all of your potential, and give you a better understanding of yourself.

I know jumping into it can be scary, so if you're not ready for that, just try to do the simple things: breathe, take care of yourself, and remember that every feeling you have is for a reason.

Glad you're here - I hope you find some of the help you're looking for.

hi blackandwhiterainbow and welcome.

Yes i can relate very much with what you have been through, the messed up childhood, the bullying, the abuse for the bullying, the testing them in relationships. i know exactly what you have been through. and i have to say you have done incredibly well.

I am a little older than you so 15 years ago i didn't have the websites and knowledge i have today, i am so thankful that there are support networks now to help you. Understanding is what is needed to be able to see how we can be helped through this.

I hope you find the site helpful and supportive

BTW, Your English is perfect - dont worry about that

Wow, so much caring, thank you for your reply StevieGirl.
Indeed I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist since last year. The break up with my ex and some familial events (my mother decided that my sister and I were unwanted in her life, it wasn't the first time and the no-contact lasted "only" a month but still ) were too much to bear and I thought so much of suicide (more than I was used to, until there) that it scared me. I felt that I would end my life in the heat of the moment. I didn't know that I had a PD when I asked for help, I thought I was only depressed.

It made me smile reading you're feeling guilty for being diagnosed young. It 's a bit hard to explain but I find this thought very touching. But please, don't feel guilty about this.

Your words are very comforting and I 'll try to follow your advices; as for the DBT, I keep this in mind but unfortunately there aren't many specialists in this trouble where (and around) I live.


@Echinacea
Thank you for your reply too, it means a lot to me.
It may sound weird but I'm glad to read that you can relate. I shouldn't be glad about it because it means you have suffered a lot, but it also means that we understand each other. I've never met someone who understands me, until today! It's a selfish feeling I must say...

-----
Thanks again for your welcome, your advices, and your comforting words StevieGirl & Echinacea.

blackandwhiterainbow wrote:
@Echinacea
Thank you for your reply too, it means a lot to me.
It may sound weird but I'm glad to read that you can relate. I shouldn't be glad about it because it means you have suffered a lot, but it also means that we understand each other. I've never met someone who understands me, until today! It's a selfish feeling I must say...

-----
Thanks again for your welcome, your advices, and your comforting words StevieGirl & Echinacea.

I know what you mean and as you read other peoples stories and replies youll notice there are a lot of us here been through very similar experiences, and yes though its been hard for me i am finally coming to terms with a lot of stuff that wasnt my fault and i think that helps a lot

I know what you mean about , your glad i can relate) i don't take it as a negative dont worry ..its made me who i am today, and im healing from it so its ok.