Hating myself, not letting anyone near

Its hard for me to find the words to explain how this makes me feel. Imagine your meeting someone or talking with someone for the first time, and then after awhile, you automatically put them in the "oh another disappointment" category, as if you were some sort of authority over anything. Now imagine that happens without them ever giving you a reason to doubt their intentions, and that you feel this way about everyone, regardless of age or gender. Thats what it feels like to me, I find it hard to grasp the concept of true kindness in others - I have no faith in people.

For the longest of time ive tried to do whatever I can to "tone down" this feeling, to paint a pretty picture over something thats mentally exhausting for me - trying to mask it with politeness, humor and sarcasm. Attempting to adapt or blend in. But i`m afraid nothing I do ever seems to work. I hate myself too much, I don't feel as if I have anything to offer and that nobody would ever accept me as I am. So I reject everyone else as a self defense mechanism in order to avoid getting hurt and being disappointed. I am disgusted by my own selfishness, because thats what it is you know - its selfish. Close minded. Now i`m not saying that sometimes this feeling is without a valid warrant - sometimes the people around you (even those close to you) -DO- look down on you because of how you are, and sometimes they -DO- hang with you or talk to you purely because they feel sorry for you (i`m talking in general). People are people, these things happens. And I firmly believe that negative elements and influences SHOULD be pushed away. After all being depressed and being a pushover are two different things entirely.

But... that being said, I don't seem to truly be able to distinguish one from the other. Its all feels the same to me. Its been years since I really felt close to someone, or even spoken with anyone with an open mind and an open heart. I am half death inside, and its pissing me off. Why? because I have alot to say, but I cant bring myself to say anything. Its entrapment - a peace offering, accompanied by a warning flag - thats what i`m like as a person, in every aspect of life. Or, should I say, what little "life" I actually have. You know how some people say "I don't have a life", and then they go out? well lets just say i`m not one of those people. My "best friends" are my hobbies. Enough said. I would go into more detail about what I hate about myself exactly and how that manifests, but that might be triggering for some people, so ill spare you guys from that and simply say - I hate everything about myself to the fullest extent, both physically and personality wise.

Paralysis,

I can relate to how you're feeling, and I'm sure many others have at many points during their lives. I also feel like my best friends are my hobbies, and my sense of self-loathing runs very deep. You're in good company here. Many of us don't have many friends, and the friends we do have are not extremely close.

Your fears of others being disappointments and not wanting to get too close are probably related to trust issues and abandonment fears. If you've had difficult relations with others in the past, where people WERE untrustworthy and DID abandon you, it makes perfect sense. We're all the sum of our past experiences.

I can tell you though, with enough time and treatment, you can overcome these feelings you have of yourself. Everyone has a gift, or something special about them. You might not know what that is, but it's in there, within your grasp.

For example, if you have BPD, you're probably sensitive. Yes, in many ways that has been negative for us, but there are many positives to it too. It can allow you to connect deeply with others and share their inner worlds. It also means you might be more creative, intuitive and open-minded than others, at baseline that is.

Stick around, post more. We're here, reading, even if we don't always respond. Just know you're not alone, ever!

Take care

NimplyDinply wrote:I can tell you though, with enough time and treatment, you can overcome these feelings you have of yourself. Everyone has a gift, or something special about them. You might not know what that is, but it's in there, within your grasp.

For example, if you have BPD, you're probably sensitive. Yes, in many ways that has been negative for us, but there are many positives to it too. It can allow you to connect deeply with others and share their inner worlds. It also means you might be more creative, intuitive and open-minded than others, at baseline that is.

Stick around, post more. We're here, reading, even if we don't always respond. Just know you're not alone, ever!

Take care

Ive undergone every possible so called treatments for my various conditions. Everything from pooping pills as if they were candy, to spending ridicules sums of money just in order to talk with various shrinks, listening to them hypothesize over what they believe would be best for me. This has went on for years. So if my "gift" is sitting down and listening to various paid strangers telling me "your not normal. Hey, Try this!", without punching them in the face, then yeah, I must be quite talented.

You said that being sensitive allows people to better connect to others. Thats true enough. Then again, I live in complete solitude and can barely go outside, even for buying basic things like food, toilet paper, and my usual doses of anti depressants. You know, I can tell that the pharmacist likes me, she always opens her eyes wide open when she sees my list. Cant be said that I am not spontaneous, right? I give her new names too look at everyone once and a while, i`m like a pimp for Narcotics.

I`m sorry. As you can see, I keep resorting to sarcasm. Because, as you have rightfully suggested, I have been gravely disappointed by, well, pretty much everyone I ever met/knew. And this forum is not exception btw. For example: did you know that I actually sent one of the mods a private msg asking him if he could refer me to sections within the forum where I might find more in depth threads and conversations. I sent him that msg because ive been running around the forum desperately searching for someone that may muster more two or three sentences. Ive been trying to connect with others, to my avail. I`m not kidding. Your actually the first (and only) person thats actually responded to something that ive wrote in the open forum. No. Wait. There was another guy that addressed me by mistake. He was a good man. Seemed to have some trouble with the ladies though. Oh well. I`m sure things worked out for the best.

Anyhow. I`m sorry NimplyDinply, I dont mean to come off hostile, and I can see that you have good intentions. But you must understand that I feel alone on many levels. And if it were only in my head, that would be the least of my problems. For example: You said earlier that many people here read threads, but dont always choose to reply. Thats fair to say. But I... dont really see how that is suppose to serve as a means of comfort to me. I dont mean to come off too blunt, but thats what it is, no? i mean, If people drop by here and actually read this entire thing, without them saying anything, its.. not exactly "an inner world experience" for me. It feels more like watching cars drives by an accident, or throwing out garbage on an empty street. Its not a particularity interactive experience, so say the least. Besides. If someone gave a $#%^, they could talk to me in private too. I become ALOT friendlier when I can notice someone putting an effort. Dont you?

honestly, ###$ what people think

Paralysis wrote:Ive undergone every possible so called treatments for my various conditions. Everything from pooping pills as if they were candy, to spending ridicules sums of money just in order to talk with various shrinks, listening to them hypothesize over what they believe would be best for me. This has went on for years. So if my "gift" is sitting down and listening to various paid strangers telling me "your not normal. Hey, Try this!", without punching them in the face, then yeah, I must be quite talented.

Other people cannot tell you what's wrong, the hard part is completely up to us. I don't know how much we need love or not, but I think the first step is to create space inside YOU for you. No place for shame, or what others think want from you.

Paralysis wrote:I`m sorry. As you can see, I keep resorting to sarcasm. Because, as you have rightfully suggested, I have been gravely disappointed by, well, pretty much everyone I ever met/knew. And this forum is not exception btw. For example: did you know that I actually sent one of the mods a private msg asking him if he could refer me to sections within the forum where I might find more in depth threads and conversations. I sent him that msg because ive been running around the forum desperately searching for someone that may muster more two or three sentences. Ive been trying to connect with others, to my avail. I`m not kidding. Your actually the first (and only) person thats actually responded to something that ive wrote in the open forum.

we expect from others what we cannot provide for ourselves. People may or may not care, but waiting for them to care and being hostage to this fear is not worth it. Also tbh, even if people do care you won't receive it because you don't believe it right now.

Paralysis wrote:But I... dont really see how that is suppose to serve as a means of comfort to me. I dont mean to come off too blunt, but thats what it is, no? i mean, If people drop by here and actually read this entire thing, without them saying anything, its.. not exactly "an inner world experience" for me. It feels more like watching cars drives by an accident, or throwing out garbage on an empty street. Its not a particularity interactive experience, so say the least. Besides. If someone gave a $#%^, they could talk to me in private too?

The rest of the world isn't more adept at love than you are (even if they were, that is besides the point. Don't get hooked on to it). Specially a PD forum. We are all struggling.
Don't get hooked on to "I hope they care," because you will keep expecting and getting disappointed and once in a while success. But it reduces our ability to see the world and people for who they are and more importantly who we can be.

Katy9591 wrote:Other people cannot tell you what's wrong, the hard part is completely up to us. I don't know how much we need love or not, but I think the first step is to create space inside YOU for you. No place for shame, or what others think want from you.

If only cliches worked on people that loath themselves, I imagine the institute of psychiatry would be in quite a financial conundrum.

Katy9591 wrote:we expect from others what we cannot provide for ourselves. People may or may not care, but waiting for them to care and being hostage to this fear is not worth it. Also tbh, even if people do care you won't receive it because you don't believe it right now.

Well I imagine that if that were in my control, that would be great. Lacking the ability to distinguish is, as mentioned before, a large part of whats wrong here. Your right about that. Though not all things here are within the realms of the psyche. For example: if someone cared about any of this, or even wanted to get to know me, they would address me personally via PM. Not here. And believe me when I tell you that if I had a viable and consistent alternative, or even saw an opportunity to connect with someone whom I felt I could make a good connection with, I would peruse that course.

Katy9591 wrote:The rest of the world isn't more adept at love than you are (even if they were, that is besides the point. Don't get hooked on to it). Specially a PD forum. We are all struggling.
Don't get hooked on to "I hope they care," because you will keep expecting and getting disappointed and once in a while success. But it reduces our ability to see the world and people for who they are and more importantly who we can be.

Your absolutely right, I too believe that expecting anything from anyone here, would be a mistake. Your also right about the fact that we all have issues, and that some of those issues prevent others from contributing or showing an interest. No arguments there, and this certainty isn't a self improvement workshop. I do however hope that wanting to have a real and decent conversation with someone, isn't asking for too much in this place. And if that too falls into the realm of wishful thinking, then i`m afraid it really is me just be staring into space.

How long are you going to keep depending on someone else?

I don't mean that in a mean way at all. I just don't think that other people are so perfect as we want them to be. It's best to take the first step here, which is to not care about what others think. We have one life after all, make the best of it.

Katy9591 wrote:How long are you going to keep depending on someone else?

I don't mean that in a mean way at all. I just don't think that other people are so perfect as we want them to be. It's best to take the first step here, which is to not care about what others think. We have one life after all, make the best of it.

There is a difference between compromising over an ideal, and between depending on someone else. I am compromising. How long? I dunno I cant predict the future. I guess until I go insane or find someone interested, and decent enough to talk too lol

I never said people are perfect, or that I want them to be perfect. Nor have I said that I care that much about what people think about me. Far from it actually. Your too hung up on cliches. In fact, believe it or not, I would actually prefer talking to someone that has been through quite a few real hardships in life, and would have the mental scars to show for it. Why? because then I would feel as if i`m talking with someone on equal grounds. Someone that gave me the impression that they can understand where im coming from.

But people are mean if they don't reply?

Katy9591 wrote:But people are mean if they don't reply?

I didn't say that either, nor have I hinted at that lol