Life as someone who is really depressed

This is my first post here. I really feel like I have no one to talk to and there are so many things going on in my life that i need to vent.

A quick rundown of who I am (well, more like the things i suffer from) - I have borderline, recovering bulimic, Major Depression and have a slightly abusive past.

Anyway, I just feel like my life is a complete mess and I'm not getting any help from the mental health team in my city. They just don't care anymore.. I've fallen through the cracks. I don't have any real friends.. The ones I had have also stopped caring and the few left probably don't know what to say to me.

(Possible trigger warning?)

So, last weekend I tried to kill myself. I thought I had enough pills for it to be a lethal overdose. I went to the cemetery that overlooks the ocean and tossed it all back and waited for something to happen. Nothing did.. I just felt a little wasted. I ended up texting a friend to tell him what I had done and that If i died someone will need to pick my car up. they came and got me and took me to the hospital.

The staff did some tests, my friends went to their party and after a few hours they let me go. I was still feeling really drugged at this point and walked back to my car and drove home.

Home - I'm currently sort of living with my ex boyfriend. The whole situation is weird. He has two adult children, one that doesn't live here anymore and when she comes over I have to leave the house because she doesn't want to see me (that all started when i was first hospitalised when my ex and I were still together and it was the borderline and anxiety on my part that ###$ up my relationship with his daughter).

So now when he asks me to leave I feel like $#%^ because it's a reminder of how messed up my life is and how I ultimately ruin all my relationships with people. I don't have anywhere else to go, apart from my sisters but i don't like it there and rent in my city is one of the highest in the world.

Part of me wishes that i never broke up with my ex because at least i would still feel like i belong here.

Anyway, I just needed to get that in to writing.

First of all, I am glad that you did not kill yourself, because regardless of how you feel right now, you are loved and needed. You may not feel loved and needed at the moment, but you are and you count and you have meaning, so please, take this as a sign......... you should never try to kill yourself ever again.

I can say the above to you even though right now I am seriously depressed myself. So if I am able to use the little energy that I have at the moment to write that to you, a total stranger, then that alone is proof that you are loved and important.

Depression sucks, there is no denying it, but beneath it, there is a spark, a tiny spark that keeps me going. Some days I have no idea how I will make it through the day, but I do and I'm always glad that I do because you know what........ life means something and by gosh, I will find it. Perhaps the search is what keeps me going??? Perhaps the search is what keeps me depressed? All I know is that there is an answer and I will not let it win. I will not let BPD win. I will NOT let my brain trick me into pulling the cord.

So the purpose in my post is not to scold you. My purpose is ignite that flame in you. Today is not forever. Depression is not forever. Your living situation is not forever. YOU will be OK and YOU are worth it!

Keep writing, keep posting, keep reading, keep exploring. We are all on a journey and I think that all of us that suffer from mental illnesses/challenges are on a especially taxing, yet beautiful journey.

Thanks for posting a reply!

Everyday since I have to actively choose to stay alive and find reasons, even when i think there aren't any. It's hard, everything is so hard but I am trying. Im glad you're fighting through your depression too.