Dad died in '97, had a dream the other day

Hey guys, I posted this in the grief forum almost a week ago and haven't gotten a single reply. I'm still looking for answers or some kind of explanation here.

My father passed away when I was in 7th grade. He and my mom had split when I was very little, but he was still in the picture and battling cancer my whole life until it finally killed him.

A few days ago I had a dream that I walked into a local bar and grill and saw him sitting in a booth across the room, like he'd never died. I went to go sit down next to him and say hi, and then stopped and had this overwhelming feeling that I was intruding and that he probably didn't want me there. It was an utterly soul-crushing experience, even though I know it was just a dream and he's been gone for almost 20 years.

For some context, I'm diagnosed BDP with antisocial and narcissistic traits. I am narcissistic in every sense of the word. I have a profound lack of empathy, real emotion is rare for me, it's usually shallow or outright feigned. I've always gotten a little bummed out or even mildly upset when a loved one died, but never truly felt grief. I don't cry when loved ones die, and I didn't when my dad died.

But this dream made me truly and profoundly sad. It seems really stupid, in retrospect, and I kind of feel like an idiot posting this, but I have to. I don't talk to my family about things like this. I know it sounds silly, but it isn't to me, it's bothering me.

Does anybody know why, after almost 20 years, I'm suddenly really upset about this?

perhaps you are just now ready to deal with the loss and heal from it. I have PD-NOS and several others disorders. Sometimes it can be a bit before we are ready to process things. Sometimes it's years. Support to you. Would love to talk if you like that.