Shameful Thoughts & Ridiculous Outcomes *TW*

I often wish that I had anorexia nervosa. What my mind believes would happen is that suddenly people would want to know how I feel and why, and then my emotional issues would be healed in the process. I think this comes mostly from having watched a bunch of AN documentaries during periods of morbid obsession, and in the documentaries, there's always a therapist (or more) who are trying to get the anorexic patients to open up about their inner wounds and such. Even when I am in therapy, even therapists don't seem to care about that stuff and just want to focus on changing my behaviors and my attitude.

So roughly once every two years on average, I try to give myself AN (yes I'm just that retarded, for both thinking you can give yourself AN for trying to give it to myself), and every time I end triggering a massive binge cycle and gaining about 10 pounds in the process. At which point I actually lose the urge to self-harm for a while, because then I would have to face all my fatness in the process.

Well the Spring weather is here, and it must be that time, because once again I'm finding myself stupidly obsessed with the notion that if I weighed *edit* pounds, people would care about me and help me. So I guess I might as well go stock up on binge food now and buy some larger pants.

I can see your logic and I don't think it's shameful. You're allowed to think what you want.

If you were 80 pounds, people might get really frustrated and even feel angry and powerless to help you. They might even resent you for what you put them through. They'd probably feel guilty and impotent too. It would be distressing to see someone like that - even for a professional. They have to have therapy or counseling in their line of work because of the huge emotional burden. Yes, they would probably help you, but it wouldn't be in a good way.

CloudShark wrote:I can see your logic and I don't think it's shameful. You're allowed to think what you want.

If you were 80 pounds, people might get really frustrated and even feel angry and powerless to help you. They might even resent you for what you put them through. They'd probably feel guilty and impotent too. It would be distressing to see someone like that - even for a professional. They have to have therapy or counseling in their line of work because of the huge emotional burden. Yes, they would probably help you, but it wouldn't be in a good way.

Yes I know you are right. Luckily people can't actually give themselves anorexia. I do wind up binge eating, though, every time. That notion is really stuck in my head, though, anyway, I can't help it, even while knowing how dumb it is. Not to mention offensive to people who actually have eating disorders. It's one of my really stupid, terrible obsessions that I can only confess to on the anonymous internet.

Hey, I was anorexic for a short time before it turned into really bad bulimia (this was a long time ago). I'm recovered now, but the unhealthy thoughts and attitudes still there. It's a bit like being a recovering alchoholic! In fact, a couple of people were really mean about it took the mickey about it.

I'm not offended, just concerned that you are feeling so down on yourself. It seems like you've got a unhealthy relationship with food and body image issues. I guess what you wrote is worrying, because I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on anyone. Please don't be tempted by the bulimic route either, People always think of those guys as skinny, but it can make you get fat in the long run.

Why not get fit, healthy and eat good food. Start thinking of looking after your body and giving it what it needs. That will make you feel much better and confident. That helps with getting the right type of attention!

I'm happy to talk about these issues. I'm long past finding them triggering. x

CloudShark wrote:Hey, I was anorexic for a short time before it turned into really bad bulimia (this was a long time ago). I'm recovered now, but the unhealthy thoughts and attitudes still there. It's a bit like being a recovering alchoholic! In fact, a couple of people were really mean about it took the mickey about it.

I'm not offended, just concerned that you are feeling so down on yourself. It seems like you've got a unhealthy relationship with food and body image issues. I guess what you wrote is worrying, because I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on anyone. Please don't be tempted by the bulimic route either, People always think of those guys as skinny, but it can make you get fat in the long run.

Why not get fit, healthy and eat good food. Start thinking of looking after your body and giving it what it needs. That will make you feel much better and confident. That helps with getting the right type of attention!

I'm happy to talk about these issues. I'm long past finding them triggering. x

Thanks for the healthy suggestion, you seem like a sweet person. To be honest, though, part of me really wants to be a mess, but in a way that most people might find sympathetic.

I grew up in a family of four - mother, father and brother, plus me. And I felt like I was the only sane person is the entire family, even included extended relatives who stayed in denial and turned blind eyes. I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't been unusually 'strong' for say even a 12-year-old. I didn't have my own emotions, or my own hobbies, or dreams, or anything. I just did the role of rock and manager for everyone. Whether it was dragging my drunk father home because he passed out in someone else's yard in cold weather, or protecting my younger, dissociated brother from my father's drunken, perverse rages while my mother abandoned us for periods of time, or playing the role of my mother's therapist during the nasty, crazy divorce.

I know it's immature but I feel like I never got my chance to have a breakdown, and I resent being "strong". I always hated it when people praised me for being strong or "mature for my age". Like it was a good thing. I think it was a necessary thing, and more fake-it-til-you-make-it than genuine. But not really a good thing.

I would like to be a broken down, pitiful mess and have my mother see what she has done. But nobody can ever see it. If I made suicide attempts or showed off my self-harm, it would emotionally hurt my brother, so I always feel like I can't. I can't get back at my mother without hurting my brother. Plus I can't get back at my mother anyway because she doesn't feel. In her wedding photos of her second message, I am smiling but I look awful. I have dried blood on my arms and huge dark bags under my eyes. But nobody around me notices.

So maybe starving just feels like a safer way to validate myself, because it's not like gambling with pills or blades. At any time I could knock it off and start eating again, and it takes like at least a month to starve to death. It would be a bug window of opportunity for her to acknowledge what she has done.

But I also know there is no point in that, either. It will never happen. Maybe that is why I end up binge eating instead every time. When I graduated from high school she told me she wanted me out of the house so that she could have my bedroom to use an as office for herself. The only place I had to go was to move in with a new boyfriend, which was a BAD idea. But I left, I did what she wanted. Then she told everyone that I left of my own decision and "abandoned her" because I had an attitude problem. That was almost 8 years ago and she still denies it to this day, even in spite of a witness.

Dang that got long-winded. Ventventvent

I can understand you reasoning behind what you say, although I never had to go through that. My eating disorder was more of a neurotic and obsessive thing. I was quite a fat teenager and then starting losing weight. It got completely out of hand. People complimented me on the weight loss at first and after a while they started asking me I had some kind of serious illness. I looked like a skeleton and it was not attractive! Being constantly obsessed with food robbed me of a few years of my life and I was so preoccupied with it that nothing else mattered. I actually pissed people a lot of off and they couldn't understand why I was doing it. I didn't particularly feel any validation, but did get treatment at a day unit.

It's a very lonely and isolating way to live. Having to eat something unplanned - especially with other people sent me totally freaking out! By the time I was bulimic, that unplanned meal and eating a 'bad' food would totally trigger the bulimia.

I know the healthy suggestions sound a bit like trite platitudes. I don't mean them in that way at all. I had to go onto antispychotics and antidepressants last year and gained quite a lot of weight. I've been exercising like a mother #####& and trying to eat well, but there's nearly a stone i can't seem to shift. It's really bumming me out. I want to get rid of my spare tire, bingo wings and thunder thighs before the hot weather! However, the exercise has made my overall mood better and has really helped with anxiety. It's also really cool when you see yourself getting stronger and being able to do exercises that you couldn't before, go longer and harder and lift more weight.

I'm sorry that you feel unvalidated. I honestly can't give you better advice than to make use of that mind/body connection by nurturing yourself. If as you say, these attempts to starve yourself always end up in a binge and putting on weight, knock that strategy on the head. An extra 10 pounds at this time of year is a massive pain in the bum! I wish I could give you more advice on dealing with these feelings of invalidation.

Anway, I'm fine talking about this and you can PM me if you like.

CloudShark wrote:I can understand you reasoning behind what you say, although I never had to go through that. My eating disorder was more of a neurotic and obsessive thing. I was quite a fat teenager and then starting losing weight. It got completely out of hand. People complimented me on the weight loss at first and after a while they started asking me I had some kind of serious illness. I looked like a skeleton and it was not attractive! Being constantly obsessed with food robbed me of a few years of my life and I was so preoccupied with it that nothing else mattered. I actually pissed people a lot of off and they couldn't understand why I was doing it. I didn't particularly feel any validation, but did get treatment at a day unit.

It's a very lonely and isolating way to live. Having to eat something unplanned - especially with other people sent me totally freaking out! By the time I was bulimic, that unplanned meal and eating a 'bad' food would totally trigger the bulimia.

I know the healthy suggestions sound a bit like trite platitudes. I don't mean them in that way at all. I had to go onto antispychotics and antidepressants last year and gained quite a lot of weight. I've been exercising like a mother #####& and trying to eat well, but there's nearly a stone i can't seem to shift. It's really bumming me out. I want to get rid of my spare tire, bingo wings and thunder thighs before the hot weather! However, the exercise has made my overall mood better and has really helped with anxiety. It's also really cool when you see yourself getting stronger and being able to do exercises that you couldn't before, go longer and harder and lift more weight.

I'm sorry that you feel unvalidated. I honestly can't give you better advice than to make use of that mind/body connection by nurturing yourself. If as you say, these attempts to starve yourself always end up in a binge and putting on weight, knock that strategy on the head. An extra 10 pounds at this time of year is a massive pain in the bum! I wish I could give you more advice on dealing with these feelings of invalidation.

Anway, I'm fine talking about this and you can PM me if you like.

Doesn't sound like trite platitudes to me, don't worry. I appreciate you sharing with me. It's probably good for me to hear/read the truth about my warped fantasies from someone who actually knows, so I appreciate you being willing to share.