i dunno if i wanna heal

Dont know if i wanna get rid of my disorders because they are my identity and thats only thing i have...depressed,grazy,impulsive,everybudy hates me,bad person,shy,evil coursed,weird,spaceouting,cheerful,unbredictable,not understanding,unstable...nb dont date me in bad person!and i love acylum

I can sort of relate to this. I don't want to fully recover because without my illnesses I'm scared that I won't know who I am. When I'm happy for long periods of time I get overwhelmed and scared because I don't feel like myself, which then causes a huge episode of depression and anxiety. It's weird how the brain works.

I had a big depression when I was in High School and University. And, what struck me as weirdest, was that I didn't WANT to heal. I think I realized exactly how bad I was when I didn't want to get out.
However, I did heal. I am okay and as stable as can be with our condition.
Although I was convinced my BPD was part of my identity, it turns out it is only one tiny aspect of it. I am more than my BPD. I am caring, intelligent and passionate, that's the me I want to show to the world.
I cannot give tips on how to get out of that vicious circle (because that's what it is) but I promise you, it has been one of the best things that have ever happened to me.

I want to send you a tight virtual hug.

That's the problem I always faced in that I like being an emotional wreck. I'm sitting here at 1am finding things to trigger me because I haven't had anything bad for a while.
Luckily I've healed enough that I can't find anything to trigge rme