Relationships and BPD

This is my first post on this forum so bear with me...

Is a healthy relationship possible with BPD? Me and my partner have been together for almost a year and a half and things are very rocky, as in up and down emotionally. Usually it stems from me shutting down and feeling empty. There are statements thrown around by him like saying oh your attitude is really going to make me want to come back here (he is leaving for a 10 day trip back home tomorrow). I am constantly feeling not normal and hurt beyond belief by statements such as those.. Should I or am I just being over sensitive? Do I deserve it?

I feel as though I'm a burden and wonder why I bother. My previous 10 year relationship was similar in intensity and I don't know if I will ever be successful in maintaining emotional stability to keep a relationship alive.

Any successful stories? I am just wondering if things would be less tumultuous for me if I just realized I would be better off alone

Hey, Preciousillusion.

It's definitely not impossible to have a "healthy" relationship when BPD is involved. you just have to expect - and be prepared for - difficult times, it's hard for both parties and that's understandable, you just have to find solid ground to work from.

Having a mental illness doesn't make you any different from those without, we're just as human as anyone else, you just have to come to accept that - and while you're at it - accept yourself as you are, also. sometimes you will feel crazy and wish to be 'normal' like others, but what does normal even mean? nobody is normal, don't put yourself down too much over it.

Do you see a psychiatrist or have any therapy? there's many options such as DBT, CBT & Psychotherapies available, these can help you with your interpersonal relationship struggles.

He's a jerk for saying that

Anyway, I know exactly what you mean about wondering if you're capable of maintaining that stability.

It's odd. As much as I crave stability, I find it impossible to achieve and when I do I get bored and nervous and want to destroy it. ( << Have no idea how you help that ) I think you have to ask yourself is it worth it?

Do you have any self soothing techs when you get dysregulated? Going for a walk? Taking a bath? Something to control the impulses?


It's also hard when you feel bored and empty and a lack of emotion. I have to paint a picture of them being perfect for me to stay normal and interested. As soon as that slips I literally want to kill and am annoyed by everything they do.


I guess you just ask yourself do you love your boyfriend enough to try?

It's also hard when you feel bored and empty and a lack of emotion. I have to paint a picture of them being perfect for me to stay normal and interested. As soon as that slips I literally want to kill and am annoyed by everything they do.

The answer lies in how to control above urge.

This is also what differentiate NPD and BPD. In above situation NPD will just move on to new supply, but BPD will cling and try to bring back things to how they were (fear of abandonment will kick in) and be miserable. However damage is already done.

IMO success can be achieved only if both parties are aware of BPD. They can see things for what they are, control reactions and give each other space when needed.

Mary Ann wrote:

It's also hard when you feel bored and empty and a lack of emotion. I have to paint a picture of them being perfect for me to stay normal and interested. As soon as that slips I literally want to kill and am annoyed by everything they do.

The answer lies in how to control above urge.

This is also what differentiate NPD and BPD. In above situation NPD will just move on to new supply, but BPD will cling and try to bring back things to how they were (fear of abandonment will kick in) and be miserable. However damage is already done.

IMO success can be achieved only if both parties are aware of BPD. They can see things for what they are, control reactions and give each other space when needed.

No.

This is exactly why I joined this forum today. I'm in a relationship for the first time in over 3 years. I've only been in one other. In each case the guy has been completely kind and patient but I keep finding reasons to shut them out. I don't think it's realistic to believe that a decent guy will want to stick around for my rollercoaster of emotions.

My theory is that, because of bpd, I am unloveable. So when things are good I'm happy. But when things start to move away from the "honey moon" stage my symptoms peak. I become so sensitive I cry and just about anything that he says. He asked me to stop playing with his beard last night and I had to choke back tears. I felt so rejected. In turn I became angry and gave him the cold shoulder. Obviously he noticed and left saying I can contact him when I'm ready to talk.

But I don't know if I should call him. I feel like his life would be better without me. Less stressful. He says little things, jokingly, like "sometimes you are too much". I remember those things. I store them up until things are smooth and then I use them to add waves. It's sick. I know it happens. I can see the mess I intentionally (subconsciously) created but I don't see it when I am creating it.

As a result I have lost all trust in my own emotions. I don't know if this feeling I have is truly anger or BPD. I don't know if I should follow through with what I feel and end things or if it's just my way of stirring up trouble. Last time I broke up with him 12 hours later I downed half a bottle of vodka and ended up crying in my hallway. It was a mistake then. What if it's a mistake now? How do you know what's irrational and what's rational in these cases? Do you save the significant other from yourself or do you press on? Does it ever get better, easier?

^ Actually, there's more logic in a 'decent' guy wanting to stick around despite your emotions being unstable and constantly cycling, a 'decent' person will understand and accept these things.

Having BPD doesn't make you unlovable, I often brand myself as 'hard to love' but definitely not unlovable. sure, you will have your difficulties and times where you genuinely believe this, but beneath the BPD, you're more than just a bunch of symptoms. I think it just takes the right people to recognise both the good bad and ugly in you, a lot of people can be quite blind to these things because your disorder has a name and that's all the focus is on. nobody is exactly perfect after all.

Believe it or not, everyone has a place in this crappy concept we call life. sometimes there's more room for others, but that doesn't mean you're invalid or undeserving of what you do have. what you're describing is very typical of someone with BPD. don't weigh yourself down too much over it.

That being said, I think many of us find it difficult to set 'normal' reactions and emotions apart to those caused by the BPD. I'm not sure how well you deal with separation, etc. but I'd highly suggest setting some distance so things can calm down and reach a steady pace. this personally helps me a lot, it doesn't quite 100% fix everything, but it gives both parties a little room to breathe again.

(by distance I mean setting limits with communication, etc. this also trains you to manage and control your abandonment fear, stops you from being as clingy and stuff. doesn't work for everyone tho and I totally get that, just a suggestion as it's personally done me a world of good)

corgis wrote:Having BPD doesn't make you unlovable, I often brand myself as 'hard to love' but definitely not unlovable. sure, you will have your difficulties and times where you genuinely believe this, but beneath the BPD, you're more than just a bunch of symptoms. I think it just takes the right people to recognise both the good bad and ugly in you, a lot of people can be quite blind to these things because your disorder has a name and that's all the focus is on. nobody is exactly perfect after all.

Thank you! Just reading that what I'm feeling is typical makes me feel less alone, less crazy. You are right about the distance. I'm having to teach myself that I can't make decisions when I'm in an irrational state. Sometimes it's hard to see that when you're in a state of all-or-nothing thinking or catastrophizing. That painful moment is telling me that it will always be this way but when I take time to step away and let the anxiety settle I can find joy in other moments. I forget that when I'm wound up.

I spoke with my boyfriend last night. He told me some painful truths about the impact my behavior has on him and how I could communicate in a healthier way. The truth is hard to hear. Everyone else in my life does a good job of walking on eggshells. Avoiding my tender spots to avoid triggering another downward spiral. Ultimately it ended with me in a ball on the floor crying and some dangerous thoughts floating into my head.

Last night I wanted to hurt myself after he left but I didn't. I went to bed and I woke up and went to work. I kept going. I kept moving. This is not characteristic of me. Then mid morning he reached out. We spoke again tonight. I took time to think out what I was saying and what meaning it had. It was not easy but it was far more productive and healthy. I think what resonated the most was that he pointed out that I base too much of my identity on BPD. He's right and I've known this but hearing him say that I am more than that, that gave me hope.

corgis wrote:^ Actually, there's more logic in a 'decent' guy wanting to stick around despite your emotions being unstable and constantly cycling, a 'decent' person will understand and accept these things.

Having BPD doesn't make you unlovable, I often brand myself as 'hard to love' but definitely not unlovable. sure, you will have your difficulties and times where you genuinely believe this, but beneath the BPD, you're more than just a bunch of symptoms. I think it just takes the right people to recognise both the good bad and ugly in you, a lot of people can be quite blind to these things because your disorder has a name and that's all the focus is on. nobody is exactly perfect after all.

Believe it or not, everyone has a place in this crappy concept we call life. sometimes there's more room for others, but that doesn't mean you're invalid or undeserving of what you do have. what you're describing is very typical of someone with BPD. don't weigh yourself down too much over it.

That being said, I think many of us find it difficult to set 'normal' reactions and emotions apart to those caused by the BPD. I'm not sure how well you deal with separation, etc. but I'd highly suggest setting some distance so things can calm down and reach a steady pace. this personally helps me a lot, it doesn't quite 100% fix everything, but it gives both parties a little room to breathe again.

(by distance I mean setting limits with communication, etc. this also trains you to manage and control your abandonment fear, stops you from being as clingy and stuff. doesn't work for everyone tho and I totally get that, just a suggestion as it's personally done me a world of good)

I agree my BPDgf has told me so many times that she did not want me to see her face because she was ugly.. or don't bother trying to love me.. Just on Monday she facetimed me hiding her face.. she did show it later but then started to hide it again.. I told her from my heart to not keep talking bad about herself and how wonderful and beautiful you are and I've stuck by her with all the countless breakups and all.. She ended the call around then because she did not want to start crying.

A few times some words I say ill cause her eyes to get glassy.

I can't speak for your gf but from my perspective when I'm falling apart and saying "Leave me alone!" that's the last thing I want. In therapy, I have literally said that I want to fall apart to make other people see how broken I am. It's not the right thing to do. I want to cope in more healthy ways but that will come with time.

The weird thing is that after 20 years of therapy, 3 inpatient treatments, 3 rounds of shock treatment and endless cycles of meds what broke through to me the most was a guy being willing to be honest about how my behavior effects him. That's not to say that no one else has tried. I think it says more about my willingness to hear. Prior, I would have broken down and "fallen apart" so as to avoid the painful truth. After telling my sister about our conversation she exclaimed how brave he was to tell me the truth. She felt it was important that I remember what he had to say.

Keep in mind it was nothing cruel. It was entirely honest about how he perceived my actions and how we can proceed in a more healthy way. I'm thankful. I'm also ashamed of how I have been acting. I've never thought of myself as "clingy". I know I actively push people away. But after reading the Walking on Eggshells book I can see how I am "clingy" and I feel like I can now identify those behaviors and stop them before they progress.