Can't stop thinking about someone *TW*

This one guy I was with a couple of years ago. We were only together for about 6 months but it was the most intense relationship I've ever had. I've had other intense relationships, and I had two boyfriends since him, but something about him was so different.

In a bad way though. There was no way the relationship could have lasted. I think it was the combination of us two, it was some kind of explosive chemistry. Really good but really bad. Nobody else ever made me as psycho as he did.

But what did I even like about him? Its all very shallow when I think about it. It was mostly how he made me feel. I felt beautiful when I was with him but it was probably in a delusional way. But something seemed so glamorous and exciting about our relationship. We live in a very large, famous city. I don't want to say the name but one of the most famous and glamorous cities in the world. And I felt so glamorous and important when I was with him for some reason. We would drive all over the city, go out, walk places, etc., and I felt like people were staring at us like "Who are they?" Maybe they were, I don't know. but its like we stood out and everybody was fascinated with us.

And that's how I felt when we were together even just privately. Like there was something so explosive and important happening. And the sex, too. I won't go into details but yeah, it goes without saying.

But it was so violent. I think he could have killed me the few times he got violent with me. I got very, very injured. But for some weird reason it made me feel closer to him. And he swore to me hundreds of times how much he loved me and it was hard to believe he didn't feel something intense for me to have that kind of reaction. It was flattering. Isn't that twisted.

He was very dominating and possessive of me. Well he tried to be but I resisted it. I don't like people trying to control me. I like it in a way but I always resist it. And he hated that. that is what caused all our problems I think. he kept saying he would stalk me and I would never get away from him. I was very ambivalent. I wanted him but I did everything I could to push him away. he kept coming back though. so we were just constantly back and forth, I love you, I hate you.

and then he cheated on me and I caught him. but I really couldn't blame him because I was doing the same thing to him. i'm a hypocrite. honestly I put him through as much $#%^ as he put me through.

but when I was away from him the emptiness was horrible. I think because my system would crash like a drug addict going through withdrawal and it was really bad. I had adrenaline and endorphins when I was with him and then after it would just crash. I still can't go back to that city because it would remind me and I will have some reaction I think. I had to move away from the city after we broke up.

he kept calling me for two years too. I was always telling myself he was just using me etc. but I think he felt the same as me at the time but I just didn't believe it. i never believe anyone likes me. I don't know why he had that much of an effect on me though. I even dated a guy since him that I had a crush on since I was a teenager. and that wasn't even as intense. I think that's why we broke up. I wasn't completely ready.

what if I never meet a guy its that intense with? the intensity was bad but also good. but there is no staying power with that kind of intensity. we would have killed each other eventually.

why do some people make us that passionate for them? its not healthy, right? we should be with someone we have kind of a slow burn with. something that can last. not something that makes us want to kill each other.

I think it was mostly about how he made me feel. he made me feel beautiful and glamorous. and he was a challenge. he wanted to dominate me and was very strong and dominating. and we went all over our city and felt like movie stars. people could sense the intensity just looking at us I think. but that is a fantasy and a delusion. it wasn't reality. I think it was all an illusion. or it was something unhealthy and nothing like that can last. the pain of our break up was unbearable. mostly because of the emptiness I felt after. and catching him cheating on me. I had never caught someone cheating on me before. I think i'm too scared to get involved with anyone again. I never had a wall up before him but I do now. I could not handle that happening again. I was physically ill and depressed for months. while he was trying to hoover me, while already living with someone else.

wtf? people really can have that low of character and morals.

from now on i'm only going to be attracted to people with good character, high morals. not this shallow illusion of glamor and sex appeal. something loftier. but I have to work on building those traits in myself first, which I am working on. I want to reach a higher level of consciousness, something more noble. anyways that is my goal. that is the only level that real love can happen on, I think. anything else is just lust and desire and envy and pride. a low level of consciousness, primitive and animal-like. IMO.

Dear justagirl:

What a story! Very well told!

It reads like an intense relationship with a drug: intense highs, devastating lows, it almost killed you and there was nothing much there other than the highs from what you describe, something glamorous, something important, memorable... but what, what was the value other than the high....

Interesting, your user name is just a girl. With that man you felt like a glamorous girl.

atina

I think sometimes it's easy to confuse intensity with intimacy, or intensity with love. But it's understandable. I don't think it reflects anything lacking in your own character, though, as you seem to imply - I think that anyone could be vulnerable to something that intense, passionate, whirlwind.

justagirl,

Being attracted to the intensity, feeling empty without him, the self-esteem boost, confusing pain/abuse with love, etc. makes sense considering your history and symptoms.

Human beings don't normally like to feel empty, or without feeling. So if someone comes along that is a bit intense or dramatic, it makes sense that you would be attracted to that to fend off emptiness, to feel more alive and whole. And nothing makes anyone feel more animated than being on a rollercoaster of a relationship.

Then when that ends, the emptiness comes back, because the animation is coming from others, or is other-directed.

It's something many of us have to learn when we make our walks through life. To find happiness, wholeness and validation from within.

When we build our sense of self, find our own interests and hobbies to feel "whole", we no longer rely on others to provide these for us.

I've interacted you for a while, and this is what I observe about you. You seem conscientious in your dealings with others, kind, warm and bright. You seem to have a creative bent as well. Perhaps some creative pursuit can make you feel less empty?

Not just saying these things because I want to make you feel better. They are the truth.

I hope you know that you do not deserve the crap that your ex gave you. It breaks my heart to think you might feel you deserved it, or that it is the normal way for others to show their love.

I really understand your story. Very nicely written too.... I can relate to the feelings you are having.

Your story made me feel less alone with my 'pain'.... or broken heart! But what you say is right - that intensity can't last.

he sounds hot

Thank you, you guys. I just felt like venting the other day for some reason. But it did help clear my head and to realize it was all an illusion and there was no substance there.

Nimply you are right, I do enjoy being creative I am going to work on that more, especially painting It is very fulfilling

Anyhow thank you for reading and replying, everyone