The "I don't care" mood

Today, I don't care.

Perhaps I'm burned out. Perhaps I'm tired of trying to work towards recovery.

I have heard that after much progress, one may take a step back. I'm hoping that I've taken 5 steps forward and only taken one step back.

The past few days have been consistent. I have been aware of my moods and applied my mindfulness/awareness skills. I even managed to have a deep, calm conversation with my boyfriend about something that was on my mind and because I was rational, clear, calm and grounded, he in turn was receptive, understanding and gave me feedback; the problem was solved and we moved on. I actually felt (for one of the first times EVER, that I acted mature and like a "norm" would have acted). My head was clear and I actually had a fun, drama-free weekend; I actually felt like "me."

Fast forward to today. I am sitting at my desk and I just don't care. I am not doing any work and I have basically been doing my own research, looking at job sites and taking walks. I have no feeling about my boyfriend (don't care if he texts and/or I see him for a few days, etc). I'm not numb and I don't feel like I am avoiding anything, I just feel totally dispassionate and complacent. If a worry enters my consciousness, I say a silent "f*** you" and push it away because I don't even care about worrying. I don't think I'm depressed because I don't feel down and I'm not anxious. So what is this??? I'm confused. Any ideas??

I suspect that you hit it on your second line - you're burned out. Trying to stay on top of your game day in and day out is exhausting. It sounds like you've had a run of days where you've been able to apply all of the mindfulness skills successfully, and I commend you for it! It ain't easy, that's for sure. Yes, it takes its toll on you, and once in a while, you just need to let your guard down and tell the world DILLIGAF. We all need that day here and there to recharge.

I wouldn't worry about it, if I were you. It's when you're constantly having those days, then I'd be concerned.

Casper wrote:I suspect that you hit it on your second line - you're burned out. Trying to stay on top of your game day in and day out is exhausting. It sounds like you've had a run of days where you've been able to apply all of the mindfulness skills successfully, and I commend you for it! It ain't easy, that's for sure. Yes, it takes its toll on you, and once in a while, you just need to let your guard down and tell the world DILLIGAF. We all need that day here and there to recharge.

I wouldn't worry about it, if I were you. It's when you're constantly having those days, then I'd be concerned.

Thanks! I really appreciate your response. I do have several days like this..... and this is a concern. I've been really unhappy with my job as of late (for about a year now) but because I have no idea what I want to do next, I haven't done anything at all. I guess by staying, I was striving for some sort of consistency; I've managed to work for the same company for 7 years and in the same department for the last 2 1/2 years (thankfully my boss looks the other way with my frequent absences - his daughter suffers from mental illness so I'm like his surrogate daughter, the one who "made it.")

So I guess that I am having a normal reaction to career unhappiness, but because I'm so unsure of myself (and worried that I'll make an impulsive mood) I sit and I stew and I do nothing, so I guess I do shut down in a way. This coupled with the energy I exert on just trying to keep it together and get better, I'm exhausted.

Thanks for so much for your input.

For what it's worth, I'm not overly enthralled at my job (which is part of why I'm logged on here when I should be working), but like you, I've been here for a long time - 10+ years now. I stay because of my current physical restrictions and the knowledge that few...no, NO other companies would tolerate my schedule for DBT, plus my BPD outbursts like this place does. In truth, I should have been at least fired, if not arrested, a few times now. Yet still, my HR record is officially clean, so I stay.

I know what you mean about the consistency. It's hard to walk away from it, especially when you find a place where they let you be you, isn't it?

Casper wrote:For what it's worth, I'm not overly enthralled at my job (which is part of why I'm logged on here when I should be working), but like you, I've been here for a long time - 10+ years now. I stay because of my current physical restrictions and the knowledge that few...no, NO other companies would tolerate my schedule for DBT, plus my BPD outbursts like this place does. In truth, I should have been at least fired, if not arrested, a few times now. Yet still, my HR record is officially clean, so I stay.

I know what you mean about the consistency. It's hard to walk away from it, especially when you find a place where they let you be you, isn't it?

Casper,

Thank you for your response. Although I'm not glad that you share my displeasure, I'm thankful that you understand.

I think that I stay for the same reasons that you stay. I would really be taking a risk (with my career) if I make a move and place myself in a stricter environment.

This morning I took the time to write out some daily and weekly goals (personal and work related). One of my personal goals is to submit 2 applications a week and if selected for an interview I am going to look at it like I'm interviewing them not vice versa.

i sometimes wander what it's like to care for something or someone.
(does it motivate you?)
what is it like being human?

I don't know what it's like for a normal human being, Joe, but for me, it's bloody exhausting! As much as I try not to, I find that I'm usually jumping in the deep end with both feet. The time, energy and resources required takes a lot out of me.

It's also scary. My paranoia convinces me that whomever I care about is going to ultimately cause me pain, so even though I give it my all, I'm still expecting the axe to fall at any moment.

Kinda makes you wonder why anyone does it, huh? For what it's worth, I often wonder the same thing.

Casper wrote:My paranoia convinces me that whomever I care about is going to ultimately cause me pain, so even though I give it my all, I'm still expecting the axe to fall at any moment.

I definitely relate to this.
And i'm becoming more and more cynical that relationships (in general) are just temporary, so i'm starting to avoid them altogether to save me the energy of dealing with the disappointment and loss when it ends.

Casper wrote:I don't know what it's like for a normal human being, Joe, but for me, it's bloody exhausting! As much as I try not to, I find that I'm usually jumping in the deep end with both feet. The time, energy and resources required takes a lot out of me.

It's also scary. My paranoia convinces me that whomever I care about is going to ultimately cause me pain, so even though I give it my all, I'm still expecting the axe to fall at any moment.

Kinda makes you wonder why anyone does it, huh? For what it's worth, I often wonder the same thing.

i'll way it once and 'ill say it again
find your own rithem
your own pace
your own limits
take time for yourself to relax
be selfish
you ow yourself and your world a healty you

i do long stretches of time with out other ppl and find it invigorating

madjoe wrote:

Casper wrote:I don't know what it's like for a normal human being, Joe, but for me, it's bloody exhausting! As much as I try not to, I find that I'm usually jumping in the deep end with both feet. The time, energy and resources required takes a lot out of me.

It's also scary. My paranoia convinces me that whomever I care about is going to ultimately cause me pain, so even though I give it my all, I'm still expecting the axe to fall at any moment.

Kinda makes you wonder why anyone does it, huh? For what it's worth, I often wonder the same thing.

i'll way it once and 'ill say it again
find your own rithem
your own pace
your own limits
take time for yourself to relax
be selfish
you ow yourself and your world a healty you

i do long stretches of time with out other ppl and find it invigorating

#sociopaththings

you have the luxury of being a sociopath, madjoe

for those of us with a conscience its complicated

*TW*
I've been analyzing the cluster b spectrum a lot lately. I think the professionals who came up with these PD classifications were geniuses. the cluster B is the most common of all PDs, and there is a lot of confusion over defining it...but the gyst of it is, people who are self-centered.

we are all self-centered in different ways thoug

ASPD: they don't care, they are self-centered and proud of it. deep, repressed anger and hatred of the human race is at the core of it

BPD: emotional starvation and deprivation and a sense of inferiority

NPD: hypersensitivity to disapproval and pathological need for admiration, respect and approval

HPD: pathological need for attention and validation, a deep sense and fear of being inconsequential, invisible, not mattering
*END TW*

these are all unhealthy ways of interacting with people

how do Nons do it? Nons can validate themselves, they don't need to conquer and dominate every one around them, and they feel worthy and valuable at their core, so that sense of value and worthiness is not shaken by a small setback

*TW* I want to be a Non so badly. I feel wounded and crippled as I am. like I have a big, bleeding bruise that won't heal, and i'm constantly looking for things to heal it. but that makes me weak.

anywys, just my ramblings.

FWIW I aspire to be a Non, even though that's the hard way. Its ultimately the more fulfilling, real way to be.