A story of hope, love and forgiveness...

This is long...but I need to share.

Here's the story:

When I was young (15) and even stupider (yes, it's possible) I married by best (male) friend (which, 20 years later, remains the case)... likely would never have happened but I got pregnant and our families insisted. So we married (quickly) in a courthouse...I've never been an actual bride and I think I've given up on that dream. But, I'm off topic again...

Anyhow, he's German (many, many generations back) and has always "claimed" to be related to Max Planck...not sure if it's true but he is smart as hell (as are our daughters), so there's a point in his favor. I see no need to disabuse him or my children of the notion that they are related to someone with such great intellectual capability.

I kept his name not only for my children, but because his mother, my mother-in-law, was an angel here on earth...battled breast cancer for ten years after being given a two year prognosis and passed away when it spread to her bone marrow in 2007. Not only were we VERY close, but my children were her life, and though I am not at all a religious person, her value system from Christianity influenced her to lead and make true and honest decisions by example.

At the end, when the chemo started failing, she didn't want to burden her family with her fear of giving up on the chemo (it was painful and had stopped working) and accepting death...afraid not for her sake but because she worried for those that she was leaving behind. She talked to me though her son and I had long-since divorced (very-friendly divorce, btw, I just came to the realization [duh] that I liked women)...and I listened to her fears, her pain, and her specific tales of sickness sliding into death for almost a year...until the day she closed her eyes for the last time in a hospice on August 5, 2007.

Some things time does not heal...I cry as I write this and I am not a crier. Been a long time since I have shared that story and I think the impetus is that I went to her grave for the first time in years on Christmas Day because I was alone and full of self-pity. I've been struggling in my life, and hoped to be closer to her or God or whatever is up there...desperate for guidance and an end to the self-imposed isolation in which I find myself.It was 35 degrees (fahrenheit -- don't know the conversion) and pouring rain...soaking wet and freezing and I sat and thought to myself that I would ask for advice...but what came to my head, heart and soul was only gratitude for the blessings that I have and have selfishly overlooked, and the knowledge that the only love and forgiveness I need is in my own head and heart and no one can give it to me. Strength and courage will follow. So, in a way, I found exactly what I was looking for.

And, after the most long-winded answer ever, I keep her name not just for my kids and certainly not for my ex, but because if guardian angels exist, mine is my ex-MIL.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read this...I needed to recount the story and I needed someone to hear it, because then I hold myself accountable for the lessons I learned while she was alive, and on Christmas Day 2015.

Hope this wasn't too heavy and I apologize if it was. I am not into small talk, and when asked a question, I give the most honest and complete answer possible, no matter how painful.

P.S. As a coincidence, my father is a quantum chemist for the U.S. Navy in Washington D.C. He abused me horribly as a child because he lacks the capacity to tell right from wrong (he is autistic [a savant, though --hence his talent with quantum chemistry, advanced algorithms, and number patterns generally]). He gave me a lifetime struggle with mental illness, but also the genetic gift of intelligence, ......but I struggle with empathy and understanding just as the child of an autistic parent would likely experience.

Funny how it is so much easier to forgive him than myself...but we are not in contact because I will not put my daughters at risk.

Again, sorry for the emotional purge, and thanks for listening. Any thoughts/support/replies would be welcomed and appreciated.

That is a beautiful (and interesting) story Shroedinger. It touched my heart. Nothing more to add.