Is it over?

Hello. Been with BPD boyfriend for about 10 months. Lately, he broke one promise too many. I called him on it. (until now, I have been tiptoe-ing around this issue). It's been a month since we've talked. Just found out that he visited his ex-wife for xmas, and found a facebook picture of them cuddling. I know he has been seeing her quite a bit to deal with some estate issues. He has sworn he doesn't love her, etc. There are reasons why we won't work out (live in different states and I can't move. Also, he is lonely, has abandonment issues, etc.) However, I received a loving message from him over xmas. What is going on? Has he moved on to the ex (he seems not to break promises to her)? Is it over with us? I kind of ruined his self-image when I called him on the broken promises -- I'm not sure he'll forgive me for that. What should I do? I'm especially looking for help from those with BPD.

tough situation.

historically, BPD people will move from person to person in search of affection and attention.

let me say that not all BPD people are like that, but there are some that are.

this may be a case of it. you called him out (which is the right thing to do. he broke boundaries, you tell him the boundaries that he broke. it's a learning thing), and he possibly feels that you hate him (at that moment). switching happens a lot. some don't see "oh, I upset her. I should step back", but actually "she is super mad at me. she hates my guts." with this, he went to see the ex for estate issues, but since she does show some affection/affirmation, and after what happened in your case, he took it to supplement the supposed "hatred" he believes you have to him.

is he gone? can't answer, but it sounds like his affection high wore off and he misses you. so it sounds like his logical mind has resurfaced and he recognizes that you were just upset, and not permanently angry.

let me ask. was this the first time you called him out on it? and also is your BF in therapy of any sort for this issue? DBT has a module that may help in this situation (interpersonal relationships).

and for you, as much as I DESPISE recommending this style of thing, you may actually benefit from stepping on eggshells less. tip-toeing like that can really put a strain on you as well as your relationship. I recommend sitting down with him when he is not emotionally charged and having another boundary talk. explain to him what you are willing to put up with, and what isn't acceptable. tell him when you are hurting because of his actions (like this ex thing. explain that those pictures HE posted on HIS facebook makes you feel like less than a partner to him. and that if it happens again, you will remove him from your facebook. if the ex does it on hers, that is probably not someone on your facebook. then again, i don't know how these things work...). try and reset ground rules for him. DBT-Interpersonal Relationship should work on adhering to set boundaries. if he goes into distress at any time, comfort him, but don't downright scold him for the distress, but also don't enable him if it happens continually. if it becomes a continual problem, recommend him to a treatment center for a partial or complete inpatient stay for a bit, just to stabilize.

setting some new boundaries to follow and adhering to the boundaries will make your life just a bit easier to handle. nobody can tip-toe shell to shell forever.

but please, and I speak for a lot of BPD people, do not become one of those bastards from the eggshells book that looks at us as evil untrained animals that should be left and shot... we have enough problems.

if you have any questions, I am here to answer them the best I can.

np01: I really appreciate this. No, I do not at all see him as evil or deliberately manipulative. He is also completely untreated. He is under intense stress right now. Terrified he'll lose his job (he is phenomenally bright and talented and good at what he does, but shoots himself in the foot in his interactions with the people he supervises) and has had incredible trouble finding a new one (He can be really arrogant and once told me that he wants them to want him unconditionally -- no matter how he behaves)

Our relationship has always been long distance -- I forgot to mention that. Whenever we've been together, it was for a couple of days and he almost always became dysregulated at some point (so it started wonderfully and ended on an odd note, sometimes with him just wanting me to leave). On the phone and in txts, however, he maintains a consistent mood and most of our conversations have been really wonderful. He speaks/spoke to me very tenderly, never abusive.

Most of the broken promises have been about him coming in -- he makes plans and either they never materialize or he finds an excuse to cancel. In mid-November, I told him that I expect him to reschedule and also told him that it is important for me to see him.

About a month ago, he asked me when he could come in. It sounded like he made plans to follow through. Then I found out at the last minute that not only was he not coming to see me, but that he was coming another day without telling me and that his purpose was to attend an event (that I was also invited to, although he did not think about that). If that was not upsetting enough, all the while, he was telling me -- genuinely, I believe -- that he loved/missed me and wanted to be with me (and likely making plans to visit his wife for xmas).

He has told me a couple of things recently. One, that he creates chaos and is incredibly disturbed about that but can't stop himself. Two, that he is intensely selfish, although he works every day to overcome it.

Anyway, I attended the dinner. He was shocked to see me and upset/angry that he was caught out. He told me as an excuse that he didn't know where in the country he would wind up.

I have only recently learned he has BPD and so there are some things I would have handled differently if I had known. Others things I totally misunderstood. I think he is in intense pain much of the time.

So, should I reach out to him if I don't hear from him? Or assume he's moved back to his ex? She still adores him, didn't want the marriage to be over and is very dysfunctional herself -- he is likely still there.

Do you have any idea what this all means? What I should do, if anything?

as a person who lost my job thanks to this illness I can understand what he is going through.

my relationship started long distance before we took the plunge of death and moved in together. it sounds like to me he has a bit of anxiety that needs to be worked out aswell. although I think that anxiety can easily be traced to the fact that he loves you, but also loves the attention he gets from you and the EX. it sounds like he is being cautious with what to do in order to maintain both of you guys for his own needs.

after reading about the plans that he made to come see you, it does sound like he genuine loves you. BUT, BPD has pretty much clogged that part. he does not want to lose that source of infinite attention from the ex that is still attached. it is like free food for a BPD person's soul. but at the same time, he doesn't want to lose you and go through abandonment of a person he loves. like I said earlier, he wants both. he more than likely has more contact with the ex than you, so plans are preemptively made for him to get his fix from her, but he doesn't want to lose you, so he makes plans to see you but also to get to that all important fix in life.

the anger that he was showing is a mask to block out the feelings that he is about to lose something he cares deeply about. a mechanism to blunt the impending pain he forsees.

now you did bring up a good tidbit of info, though.

> he creates chaos and is incredibly disturbed about that but can't stop himself. Two, that he is intensely selfish, although he works every day to overcome it.

this can be tied back to BPD, but it is also a bit of a personal personality thing. chaos is created because he wants a lot of stuff that don't go together. like Peanut Butter and 10W-40 motor oil. both are great to have, but not possible to have mixed together. he wants you. he wants the affection of another woman who wants him. he wants both of your affections. unless you are willing to play polyamorous and deal with the baggage that comes with that (poly + unstable =/= fun time), something is going to crumble. and he doesn't want that (the selfish thing that he is working on).

my recommendation is that he go for therapy to try and straighten out a bit of these issues. it will make things a bit more managable.

also, for the sake of your relationship, I recommend that you really sit down and explain how this whole lying to go see his ex thing is affecting you. this may be another boundary thing he does not cross. if he wants to see his ex, tell him to tell you that. don't lie and then cancel. you could tell him that he only has 3 more times to just cancel like that out of the blue. if he says that he is coming, come. don't sidestep to the ex secretly. be honest and truthful (which is hard, because the fear arises that if I do that multiple times, you'll leave). after 3 no shows, then you just stop contact with him (temporarily or permanently, that is your call).

stay strong and open communication. that is the way to make this work

np01: I sent you a private message.