I need the opinion of a Non-BPD

Hi everyone,

I really hope this doesn't get deleted because I am at my wits end and need some help. I have BPD but I need the opinion of someone who hasn't got BPD and I think this is the best place.

I am 23 years old. I got diagnosed with BPD when I was 19. I am a textbook case and have had all the symptoms at least once. My main problem is fear of abandonment and that leads to all sorts of destructive behaviour. I am trying to help myself so I am receiving therapy and taking medication.

There's been this guy in my life since i've been 17. In the beginning, we got on really well but then the BPD started to kick in. I got obsessed and started to bombard him with calls and messages. I even stalked him and would roam the streets at night looking for him even though I didn't know his exact address. I just knew his area. I didn't care that I was putting myself in danger. All I cared about was seeing him. I think we were about to get into a relationship but after I started acting all crazy, he backed off and even changed his number.

We've been in and out of each others lives since I first met him. Not too long ago, I asked him how it all affected him back then and he said it depressed him and stressed him out. He's seen me go in and out of psych hospital, ruin my education and ruin relationships. He's just basically seen me at my worse. In the end, he went away for a long time to protect himself. One time he even said i'm not going back to psych hospital. He's been in psych hospital in the past but i'm not sure what for.

The sexual tension is off the charts. We've both wanted to have sex since we first met.However, he won't sleep with me because he knows it'll mess me up. . He won't even see me because he doesn't want any sexual contact to happen - not necessarily sex. Currently, we talk about once a week on WhatsApp. We always talk about sex among other things. I only have his secondary number. I think this is because he thinks I am going to drive him crazy with txts / calls. I agree that it is for the best and see where he is coming from.

I badly want to get into a relationship with him as I think we have a connection and we get along so well. He knows this but he has clearly said it's not going to happen.

My question is, does anyone have any idea why he still talks to me? It's been years and he's still around. If you consider everything i've written above, it doesn't make sense whatsoever. Sometimes I think he's waiting for me to get better or something and then he'll get into a relationship with me. I know it's silly because he hasn't said or done anything to suggest this.

Sounds to me that what he said is probably right. He likes you but knows that it wont end well if it went further. Yes maybe part of him is hoping that you will get better and something can happen. It could also be that he's aware of his own issues and doesn't want to inflict them on you.

DT1095 wrote:Sounds to me that what he said is probably right. He likes you but knows that it wont end well if it went further. Yes maybe part of him is hoping that you will get better and something can happen. It could also be that he's aware of his own issues and doesn't want to inflict them on you.

Thanks

DT1095 wrote:Sounds to me that what he said is probably right. He likes you but knows that it wont end well if it went further. Yes maybe part of him is hoping that you will get better and something can happen. It could also be that he's aware of his own issues and doesn't want to inflict them on you.

Was literally going to say the same thing, but you beat me to it. there you go! I'll have to agree with this one, OP. wishing you the very best.

Am I the only one here who would be so turned on by someone walking the streets at night in an attempt to find me? Probably not helpful, but still. That's the stuff dreams are made of.

Journeyman15 wrote:Am I the only one here who would be so turned on by someone walking the streets at night in an attempt to find me? Probably not helpful, but still. That's the stuff dreams are made of.

No I think that having someone go that far out of their way for you would feel great. As long as it was someone you where interested in. Ive had a stalker once and as I wasn't interested in them found it kind of creepy.

Journeyman15 wrote:Am I the only one here who would be so turned on by someone walking the streets at night in an attempt to find me? Probably not helpful, but still. That's the stuff dreams are made of.

You are hilarious! The mad thing is my close friend who also BPD has done the same exact thing .

@Afrika2015

I'm a non. I think you have understood what causes your potential lover to protect himself from. So, I think the good thing would be to focus on yourself rather than on trying to adapt your behavior to his expectations. I mean, to try to work on controlling your emotions. It's like finding a way to your circuit of emotions (positive and negative) and install an imaginary switch with which you will never allow your emotions control you.

I'm trying to say that, of course, it is ok to feel deeply in love with someone, to feel connected, to feel you can achieve anything with your love partner, but what is not ok is to let all those feelings take control over you and push you to do extreme things out of love (or out of hate). Set the borders.

As a non, still suffering (two years later) from a relationship (suicide attempts, threats, stalking, zillion harassing phone calls and text messages, etc.) with a BD, I tend to compare BD emotions as the optical beams coming from the X-Men character Cyclops without his special eyewear (with the exception that a borderline, with appropriate therapy, can one day see the light without the special "eyewear").

I am not a psychologist, but I guess that if you want to find happiness with someone, don't expect them to make you happy. Be happy within yourself and for yourself. Also, you will never be able to make anyone happy if they have no ounce of happiness within themselves first.

If it can help you, with your therapist, make a list of situations in which you are not going to allow your emotions to cross the border. It's probably a hard work for a borderline, but worth trying it. In reality, you have to try to let yourself reprogram/recondition your brain to react more mildly when you feel triggered.

Fearing being abandoned is also a normal reaction. Nothing wrong with that. However, don't forget that you can never be abandoned, because you always have yourself. I know it's sounds stupid, but it is true though. Don't abandon yourself and you will always have yourself. If at times you feel empty, imagine you're an empty glass awaiting to be filled in, not by someone else's happiness, but by the things that can you feel complete, such as:
-creativity (drawing, painting, DIY, crafting, taking photos, writing...)
-faster activities (any kind of sport)
-relaxing activities (yoga, meditation, napping, listening to music...)
-food for thought (reading, watching interesting things, debating on different forums without trolling,...)
-passive activities (watching movies, series, ...)
-travelling
-attending extra-scholar/job activities
-meeting friends
and all sort of things, but always with the switch of never overdoing things. Let your glass be filled in and be happy.

One more thing. Feeling sad, angry, etc, is also ok. Don't be afraid of it. But do not cross the border and try to calm down as soon as possible after you had gotten angry or sad by focusing on one of the activities.

I know, it is more easily said than done, but try. And if you fail, try again. And if you fail again, try again. Again, and again, until you find peace of mind and stand up tall and say to yourself "I can walk by myself now!"

When you feel lonely, it's ok. Say to yourself that everyone else is in reality lonely, because we're all different individuals. When you're with others, don't pretend to be someone else nor their expectations. Be your own glass full of things you chose to fill with. Don't cling nor copy, but you can inspire, try to improve and be different, be original, be yourself, be you.

My wild guess is that the guy you're in love with might secretly hope that one day you'll manage to find that switch for yourself and be able to have a non-rollercoaster relationship. Will it be too late the day you find it or not is not important, what is important is that you find it.

Hi, I'm non bpd male of 40 years and I think the general consensus is off the mark... I think he is a chicken and there's more to your story.
Most of us are pretty simple and easy to figure out where as women, especially bpd women can manipulate men pretty easily, except... when you can't have us/him/me. You want him because you can't have him. Of course you have real feelings for him but what makes it feel more so is that he's keeping you at arms length but is there more going on right here? Is there some actual sex sometimes?
I think he likes.the sex and attention (the ego boost an feeling in control) and he may be using you as a fwb or having his cake and eating you too. This would be selfish and kinda chicken $#%^ I would think and I am reminded of 2 ex bpd gf's that would tell there version of a scenario and often leave out some important details (and sometimes I honestly think they could believe a totally altered version of event as real) to express what they were feeling rather than what was fact or what an outside perspective would see or describe. It made me think they were only hurting themselves by do this and lying to themselves more so than lying to me. I've learned best to first validate what she is feeling but as nice as I can call her on it and ask what's most likely? Or would you believe me? If you were a fly on the wall etc.. it may not work often as an immediate confession or apifany but the "altered versions" decrease quickly.
Am I warm here or maybe l have some kinds ptsd issues I should address?

Afrika2015 wrote:Hi everyone,

I really hope this doesn't get deleted because I am at my wits end and need some help. I have BPD but I need the opinion of someone who hasn't got BPD and I think this is the best place.

I am 23 years old. I got diagnosed with BPD when I was 19. I am a textbook case and have had all the symptoms at least once. My main problem is fear of abandonment and that leads to all sorts of destructive behaviour. I am trying to help myself so I am receiving therapy and taking medication.

There's been this guy in my life since i've been 17. In the beginning, we got on really well but then the BPD started to kick in. I got obsessed and started to bombard him with calls and messages. I even stalked him and would roam the streets at night looking for him even though I didn't know his exact address. I just knew his area. I didn't care that I was putting myself in danger. All I cared about was seeing him. I think we were about to get into a relationship but after I started acting all crazy, he backed off and even changed his number.

We've been in and out of each others lives since I first met him. Not too long ago, I asked him how it all affected him back then and he said it depressed him and stressed him out. He's seen me go in and out of psych hospital, ruin my education and ruin relationships. He's just basically seen me at my worse. In the end, he went away for a long time to protect himself. One time he even said i'm not going back to psych hospital. He's been in psych hospital in the past but i'm not sure what for.

The sexual tension is off the charts. We've both wanted to have sex since we first met.However, he won't sleep with me because he knows it'll mess me up. . He won't even see me because he doesn't want any sexual contact to happen - not necessarily sex. Currently, we talk about once a week on WhatsApp. We always talk about sex among other things. I only have his secondary number. I think this is because he thinks I am going to drive him crazy with txts / calls. I agree that it is for the best and see where he is coming from.

I badly want to get into a relationship with him as I think we have a connection and we get along so well. He knows this but he has clearly said it's not going to happen.

My question is, does anyone have any idea why he still talks to me? It's been years and he's still around. If you consider everything i've written above, it doesn't make sense whatsoever. Sometimes I think he's waiting for me to get better or something and then he'll get into a relationship with me. I know it's silly because he hasn't said or done anything to suggest this.

I'm a non.

It's tricky, your situation bears some similarity to mine.

I think when you are involved (as a non) with someone with BPD it does take a toll on you and it can be confusing, but you need to try and do the right thing, and sometimes that means not doing something you want to because you don't want to make the situation worse.

I'd say that he certainly cares about you a lot and you are important to him (the amount of time proves that)

But it's just hard, communication between non and bpd is always a nightmare, and the non is often left really confused by the BPD behaviour, not knowing what's real, what's caused by disorder etc etc.

I don't think your last thought on the matter is silly, he may be holding out hope that you'll go into therapy or get some help which will improve things. I can say this as a non I WISH that my bpd would get help, because I KNOW that our relationship is always going to be extremely difficult if not impossible to maintain without it.

Anyway these are my thoughts, hope it's useful