I feel my BPD is a bit different, is it?

Hello everyone, I'm Meli, 48 years old and new here.

BPD was kinda sorta mentioned to me about 17 years ago when I first started having suicidal thoughts and Ideations. My first psych doc was very quick to diagnose me as Bipolar but I didn't really think it fit me. When I read about BPD I was so angry. I thought BPD meant everything I was going through was "my fault" or I could be blamed (and feel shame/ guilt) where if I were Bipolar it was hereditary and I didn't have a choice. Other than the one doctor saying Bipolar, I was never diagnosed really.
After that episode which lasted about a year, I had about three more sporadic episodes over that 17 years where I needed to check myself in when the overriding thoughts returned. Mostly I was functioning, reading up, working, trying to understand my spiritual beliefs and I felt like I improved on some of my skewed thinking. A few years ago I started reading philosophy and about a year ago got big into existentialism. My therapist last week after I had a bad episode said to me that he was pretty sure I was BPD. I thought I'd be ok hearing that but it has really bummed me out.

So here is where I feel the difference. I never was an arguer or rager except maybe turning it inward. I kind of am at a point of believing everything is meaningless. It is about impossible for me to be in a relationship. In the sense of paranoia, I take one tiny experience and obsess about it,blow it way up into a personal attack to destroy me. My therapist is doing great to help me with this part. I look at my grown children and imagine they are as miserable in life as I am. I can't imagine anyone being happy in this life. I get so angry when I see happy people. My therapist described this so well that it is if I am lying in the street dying and they are walking over me, can't they see me and my pain? It feels like they are rubbing their happy lives in my face. I'm learning though more and more to try to see things from other's perspective and they are not all happy even if they are smiling. Everyone has problems.

So I was wondering if most of the BPDs here feel they fit some or all of the textbook symptoms or if they feel differently.

Thank you

Sincerely,
Meli

We all have differences in how we present and you only have to fit 5 out of the 9 criteria to be diagnosed. You could also just have a few strong traits. I have anger/rage with my family but I rarely express it to friends or partners. With my ex I turned it inward a lot and became passive-aggressive. If the rage is there and it's eating you up, it's there. It sounds like it's impairing your life and your perception is skewed and you're projecting that on your kids.

I went through the same thing with first being diagnosed BP then BPD. Turns out I have both and while there might be less stigma with something that is chemical, there is a feeling of helplessness because you're dependent on finding the right meds. I was angry about my BPD diagnosis until I realized that with therapy I have a shot at happiness. I never even realized before that the things I did and the way I looked at things was not normal. I'll admit I'm still struggling with bitterness, but I'm trying to tell myself that I want to be free of that. It's a huge burden.

I hear you. My official diagnosis is possible BPD and possible bipolar. However, after my own research on PDs, I'm also starting to suspect a comorbid cluster A PD too, which would explain a lot of my symptoms. Probably StPD or even PPD, but as I'm pretty withdrawn and keep a lot of that to myself, it's not apparent to a lot of people.

I don't feel that all of my issues can be attributed to BPD and it's arguable that I fit 5 out of the 9 criteria. However, I identify with some of it. My psychiatrist has misinterpreted my general discomfort surrounding relationships as a fear of abandonment. It's more that I get overstimulated and feel drained and irritated very quickly, not that I'd be rude as being polite is important to me. Company becomes intrusive and I end up feeling quite violated and worry that this is abnormal since most people seem to enjoy and tolerate social things a lot more than I do.

I definitely have the affective instability. I sometimes binge eat when I get PMS, although I'm not sure how abnormal that is. I did mention it to professionals and they think it's a BPD thing. I have also attempted suicide in the past. I get very paranoid. That's 4 out of 9.

Everyone does have their own problems, but BPD is a particularly disabling one. Being around happy people is a massive kick in the crotch when you're feeling depressed!

Thanks Leili and CloudShark.

I started out with a duel diagnosis of Avoidant personality disorder and Bipolar. And over the years the Bipolar theory has been raised several times. I have the mood swings but they don't really fit Bipolar citeria and I am never manic. So that has now been dismissed and I have a diagnosis of BPD.

I am not an angry rager either. I won't say that I never get angry - I do, but mostly it's just that silent rant in my head. Rarely do I express my anger. I hate conflict and rarely argue with anyone. I don't self harm either. And I don't think any of my relationships could be described as volatile. I don't suffer from feelings of paranoia either.

I didn't think I fit the criteria for BPD but then I started reading about it and realised that actually I tick all but one box - the angry box.

And BPD does not mean this is your fault. It can arise for many reasons, most of which were probably beyond your control. I am pretty sure no one chooses to have BPD.

One thing I found quite interesting was this link

http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/09/04 ... /8184.html

That might be down to trauma or nature or nurture. But it certainly isn't your fault.

Not everyone manifests our emotions,desires or feelings in the same way. But that doesn't mean that you aren't all feeling similar emotions,desires or feelings.

Some of us want power, the way or how we want it manifests differently than others who wish the same thing. Some dominate the weak, others manipulate, etc. Same type of idea applies to how you manifest your emotions etc.

In my experience, I also have always directed the anger to myself.

However, I do believe that if you don't feel identified with BPD, you should talk it thoroughly with your doctor.
Best of luck! I hope you feel better soon.