*TW* I'm all over the map, an anxious ramble after coffee

I've been away too long...... or maybe I'm back because I'm "med-free" and need to promptly make an appointment to get a refill (I seem to function so much better on meds!)

I also always get like this when I am in a relationship.

I've been dating this wonderful man for 5 months and feel like I'm losing it. I've been able to "act" normal (fake it until you make it?) and thought that I was actually on my way, but cracks have started to appear in my facade. Fear of abandonment is the acid that is beginning to trickle into the cracks and into my psyche. Fear, trepidation, anxiety, paranoia, jealousy.

I don't get life. I should say, I don't get my brain. Everyday I am a new person and I have no idea which person will wake up and present herself.

I also have no freakin clue who I am. My boyfriend is a potter and a farmer. Guess what I've embraced as of late? Pottery and sustainable farming. Then comes the paranoia....... because I KNOW there is another woman out there in the world that will be perfect for him (one that is beautiful and intelligent and a famous potter and organic farmer) and he will find her and leave me!!!!!! *sigh* After this comes the self-hatred and anxiety (as I kill myself trying to learn about farming and pottery at warp-speed) The crazy thing? I will pull this off because I have done this many times (prior boyfriends have been into: motorcycles, guns, cigars, soccer, real estate, etc) and I always learn the trade/craft. Intellectually I know that this is absolutely absurd, but I can't help myself. It's like I want to enmesh with them. Or at least get as close to their soul (passions) as I possibly can.

And because I have been exposed to farming (being in the fresh air with soil against my skin) I have developed a deep hatred for my job, my boss and my life. Prior to meeting this man, although I disliked my job, I was proud of the fact that it is a relatively stable job with perks (I work at a college) and that I even had one. Now I hate every minute that I am "chained" to this desk. I feel as if the universe is doing this on purpose. I feel like it is torturing me. All I can say is, wtf? Again, while I type, I know that all of this is absurd, but I feel out of control. I feel a deep pain, a deep shame (past mistakes that may have prevented me from being further along in my career) and a longing to be anyone, and anywhere else from here.

Then I start to almost despise my boyfriend because he is not saving me from this pain (I KNOW that this is NOT his job!!!!) and then I am filled again with shame and self-hatred (why can't I just be mindful? Find another job? Save money? Chill the f*** out???!!!!)

I have been fighting with myself for most of my life. I have been to several counselors and have tried many medications.

I just got a new counselor who is teaching me EFT. Some days I feel like I'm going to make it, but then there are days like today that I feel like I haven't made any progress.

I'm rambling and I feel like there is no way out today. But then again I also know (because this has happened a million times) that tomorrow everything will be OK again. Perhaps I'm lucky because I do have awareness (this probably keeps me from being suicidal because there is hope) but I really wish that these "Groundhog Day(s)" would come to an end. Will I ever see a surge of growth?

Sometimes I wish that I could scoop out my brain with a spoon and zap it myself.

Thanks for reading. And I hope that everyone who reads this has a good day and continues to read and grow and take steps down the path. For although I am despondent today, deep in my soul and deep in the recesses of my half-crazed cranium, I will carry on and I know that you can too.

This has worked for me, but can u switch emulating a person and emulate to perfection, not giving a ###$ about returned feelings, love..it works like a charm if u practice enough.

I am being serious, as obsessed as u can get by emulating another as far out as playing a farmer, place all this into a opposite facade, a permanent fixture of not giving in or giving a crap...u will never freak, send texts, care what they think, how why or where...who. Jealousy becomes a mute point.

It sucks that you're hating your job right now, but it's good that you actually enjoy farming and you're not just pretending to like it. I'd rather be out in the sunshine than in a stuffy cubicle any day of the week. But you can help him out as a hobby and enjoy the benefits (health insurance!), if not the grind, of your day job.

You're self-aware, so that's good! If you think you do better on meds then don't torture yourself, go get them.

I've been dating this wonderful man for 5 months and feel like I'm losing it. I've been able to "act" normal (fake it until you make it?) and thought that I was actually on my way, but cracks have started to appear in my facade. Fear of abandonment is the acid that is beginning to trickle into the cracks and into my psyche. Fear, trepidation, anxiety, paranoia, jealousy.

For the first year of our relationship, I hid my insecurities, fear, paranoia, and jealousy from my fiance. When he would hang out with other people instead of me, I would pretend like I didn't care. I would be like, "Ok, have fun, hun!" If he was too busy with work to hang out, I would be like, "Ok, maybe another time then! Don't work too hard, sweetheart!" I really wanted to be like, "You should only want to hang out with me, and I should be more important than your freaking job!" The fact that I knew, and you also seem to know, that your feelings and true reactions are irrational and inappropriate, is what will allows us to recover from this disorder. I mean, that's the first step.

I also have no freakin clue who I am. My boyfriend is a potter and a farmer. Guess what I've embraced as of late? Pottery and sustainable farming.

You recognize you're morphing, which is great. Showing an interest in pottery and sustainable farming is fine, but you don't need to make pottery and farming your trade or craft to keep this man in your life. Men actually prefer women who have their own interests. Perhaps you need to do a little self-exploration. Also, if there is a beautiful, intelligent, famous potter and organic farmer out there and he leaves you for her, then screw him. You shouldn't have to bend and controt for someone. They should love you for you.

Again, while I type, I know that all of this is absurd, but I feel out of control. I feel a deep pain, a deep shame (past mistakes that may have prevented me from being further along in my career) and a longing to be anyone, and anywhere else from here.

Again, recognizing your true feelings and reactions are illogical means you're on your way to recovery. You are growing. You may feel out of control, but stay strong. Your past mistakes are in the past, and you need to let them go. Focus on the here and now. Think about what you could do to further your career along now, in the present.

Then I start to almost despise my boyfriend because he is not saving me from this pain (I KNOW that this is NOT his job!!!!) and then I am filled again with shame and self-hatred (why can't I just be mindful? Find another job? Save money? Chill the f*** out???!!!!)

Nope, saving you from your pain is certainly not your boyfriend's job, and you recognize this, and that is a step in the right direction.

You are lucky you have awareness. You seem to be making great strides in your recovery.

This post reminds me of the song Spineless by Alanis Morissette -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTrITkuJvJQ

Can you relate to the lyrics?

Thank you everyone for your responses, I really appreciate it!

Excuses - omg, yes, that song, I could totally relate to it. Thank you so very much!

Bohemian Butterfly,

Your avatar reminds me of Teal Swan:

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/qOmA79Fb3e4/maxresdefault.jpg

Thanks for sharing.

Sea