I need advice (abuse mention)

Hi - I’m looking for help and advice on something very important to me.
I’m almost certain I’ve been, to an extent, (without noticing until recently) abusive to my partner, and very selfish.
I feel a lot of the abuse itself stems from my mental illnesses as well as my poor social skills and lack of empathy (I am autistic and can not feel what others are feeling, despite feeling compassion towards others.)
However, I in no means wish to excuse the behavior nor do I believe being mentally ill makes me or anyone else inherently abusive - I think it has just been a contributing factor in my situation.
I never ever wanted to hurt my partner or anyone else in any way, and I want to change and get better.
I feel it is also important to note that we are in a (very) long distance relationship and have been for more than a year, and we will finally be meeting at the end of November. I want to improve significantly before then.
Typically, what I feel is the abuse happens most frequently during breakdowns I experience but does happen at other times as well.
I have BPD and Dependent Personality Disorder, both which I feel contribute to it a lot.
An example of it would be when they want to leave, even if just to get something to eat or drink, I get bad separation anxiety. I get somewhat anxious and have protested during these times. I did not realize this was abusive, nor any of the rest was, until recently, however.
More severely would be when they are going on an outing, and I would protest a lot and proceed to have a breakdown.
I am not good at describing the circumstances, but it is again from separation anxiety. I am very dependent on them, and while they say they do not mind I know and fully realize now that it has hurt them many times.
I would get very upset during these breakdowns, and hyper-fixate on the thing that had caused it - the separation. I would be unable to think of or do much of anything else until it was resolved. I don’t know many of the things I would type during these, but I know my partner would get extremely upset as well, and feel useless because of me.
I also would get very jealous and not understand when they wanted to go out with friends, especially if they slept over. I didn’t understand and felt hurt because I didn’t understand needing to spend time with other people too, if they have me. I thought that meant I wasn’t good enough. I was also scared they would like those people more than me and be with them romantically instead, or be their best friends instead of me and replace me. I would get very upset any time they spent time with their friends, because I was scared, but I made my partner feel guilty about having friends to the point where they do not spend much time with their friends anymore at all. I never intended for any of this, but I know now that it is all my fault and it is also my responsibility to change it.
Additionally, I believe, on many occasions, I’ve also said things that were very guilt-tripping. For example, if they went on a trip to somewhere nice, instead of me wishing them to have a good time I would say “I wish I could come”, or “I can’t do that” and things along the lines of that. For example, when they are due to visit they were also considering doing a tour that I would be unable to go on, and I felt bad because I could not go with them. I also felt bad because the tour would be after our visit, and I thought ‘they want to go on the tour, too, because I’m not good enough and visiting me isn’t good enough’. They are no longer going on it, again because of me.
I also think, for a lot of the time, I regarded my partner as a thing that brings me happiness rather than a person, and I know now this is inexcusable. I want to change my way of thinking and behaving very badly. I have been selfish and horrible, and unable to think much about their feelings instead of my own.
I have been very afraid. I’m scared of 'what if I can’t get better’, and things like that. My self esteem is very low.
Sometimes I am even scared, 'what if I’m faking my mental illnesses and I’m actually just a very bad and abusive person.’ 'what if I don’t actually want to get better, and I’m just pretending so I can abuse them even more.’
I also suffer from many intrusive thoughts among the likes from my OCD, and this is also very difficult to actively work on because I am clinically depressed.
The idea of hurting others is always one of the things that has scared me the most, and I do not even know who I am anymore after realizing that I have been.
I have talked about it a significant amount with my partner already, and they want to help me.
They are one of the best things in my life and I want to try very hard to get better for their sake and for mine.
However, I need help. I am not the most resourceful person, and I need advice as well as reassurance from others.
If anyone has anything to offer, by all means, please do - I’ll be very grateful. This is very, very important to me and to my partner.
I really want to become a better person, and I really want them to be happy and safe.
Thank you for reading.

I read your post in full, and I don't see why you're saying you've been abusive? You mentioned you protested in regards to separation anxiety. I don't see anything inherently abusive about that, unless you've punched someone in the face or screamed your brains out at them?

I do see that you have abandonment anxiety,but that doesn't make you an abusive person.

Don't listen to the crap on the internet about BPD or even DPD, Most of the people claiming everyone with BPD are abusers had a bad experience with one (or someone they think is one) and are labeling everyone with BPD with the same wide brush. You know what that is? Black and white thinking, something many of them accuse us of.

You seem very aware of your partners needs and the impact of your behavior. This sounds responsible and compassionate. You don't sound like a bad or abusive person. Since you want the best for your partner, you can work on your issues, so you don't have a meltdown when your partner needs to leave. Do you have a therapist or a psych? Isn't there medication for OCD and anxiety? I have heard about DBT for borderlines. I would like to try that myself.

@NimplyDinply -

Thank you for your response - I've gotten quite a few similar responses (at least in terms of that they claim I am not abusive, and only showing symptoms of mental illness) but I've still had tons of doubt on the matter... which is why I'm here now.

It was actually something I'd continuously worry about on my own, no one accused me of it or anything, but I understand that a lot of people think that too. I'd also read a lot of checklist-type things about "what makes someone abusive" and found that a lot of the things I do overlap - though again most people said it's just me showing symptoms I am still worried.
I want to be a lot more careful at least, and have been trying to do so.

@Mrygan -

Thank you for your response, and thank you - I've been unable to get into a psychiatrist in a long time, I live far away from mine and have been unable to get any kinds of appointments, but will try to in the near future. Getting a new one would apparently take about 4-5 years because of a waiting list here so I don't think that's an option right now...

I don't have a therapist, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy before but I wasn't going 100% willingly and only had a few sessions so there were no results.
I am also on medication, but I'm not sure if it's as effective as it used to be for me.
Additionally, I have looked that up, and it partially sounds similar to what I have gone to but were I able to go to that I think it would be worth a try.

Hi, I'm still looking for some advice + opinions on this, if you can offer anything it would be very much appreciated.

I have read your full post and I think that considering what you are dealing with, in terms of abusiveness, it's not bad. As the other posters said you are very self-aware of your behaviour which is always a good start and I think that you are being a little too hard on yourself. I sort of expected something much worse when initially reading your post and you mentioned you being abusive a number of times.

However I see what you mean. Abuse comes in many different forms and guilt tripping people/ emotionally manipulating them or verbally abusing them are all types of abuse. It may be a lot less harmful in the short run than violence or exploding at people but in the long run it can affect other people quite a lot. It's also a type of abuse that can be much harder to combat because 1) it's harder to call out and 2) like with any type of long term abuse, the victims perception will be altered with time and gradually the abuse is normalized.

I can relate to some of the things you say. But I think we have different reasons for the mechanisms. I am controlling too and tend to isolate my partners a bit from their friends but unlike you that seems to be driven by your separation anxiety and fear of inadequency, I'm driven by an overinflated ego and the need for supply. I also relate very much to what you say about seeing your partner as a thing that makes you happy rather than a person. That's how I feel a lot of the times. I think it may be related to the over evaluation/devaluation cycles that exists both in BPD and NPD. We either greatly overestimate someones value or importance to us or we underestimate it. It's hard to find a balance and to get to a place where you can accept another person for who they are instead of for what they have to bring you.

I'm not sure what advices to give you on how to change and improve yourself. But I do think you are a person that truly wants to change and it is like I said a very good sign. I think that if you continue working with yourself and utilize professional help, you may be able to get rid off or at least minimize any abusive tendencies you have. Don't feel bad or ashamed for who you are.