what kind of woman is this???????

Thank you for taking the time to read this,,, perhaps some of you can make sense of what I just experienced.

I met a woman (24) who has a history of being abused by her dad, spoiled by her mother.

I saved her life,,, but feel used. Basically I helped her out of a very serious situation, a life changing one too (for the better).

Some of what I saw in her (over time as it came out,,,)

She told me her family said she was cold and emotionless (this I witnessed).
She had a previously very abusive boyfriend who tried to kill her.
She always talked about herself only, dominated conversations unless it was something she wanted to know from me.
She said "she could never lie".
Always said people (later including me) didn't "understand her".
Boasted how mature she was for her age.
Has high ambitions for the future (said she was special and basically sent to earth to help humanity).
Easily offended,, mistook things I said as an "attack" on her (she said I told her she wanted guys for sex).
She was told that she "has no set boundaries (in life?)"
She talked down to me at times, said that I was "emotionally weak because I was lonely".
First attempt at sex was all about her, she told me I "didn't know how to perform", but proceeded to "show me how to to it properly" so she could be satisfied. (as a guy, this hit me hard and I didn't like it).
Said that "she was a healer" and that people were "healed by her" (dunno how true that is).
Lack of forgiveness for a "wrong" I committed (I questioned her sincerity to our relationship because she told me that she "wasn't in a relationship"). I felt like an abstract boyfriend.
Told me that none had ever held her (I found that sad).
EXTREMELY large ego. She told me that she felt like she was an older woman in a young body.
Had/has panic attacks, fits of rage at times (not in front of me, but alone).
Currently has items of mine she won't return (engagement ring and such).
I later caught her with a guy who she claims is "innocent" but she hid him on her profile.
Told me "how would I know unless I do it (meaning the other guy).
She always thinks guys are staring at her A--.
She was into goth too, piercings.
I feel she "mirrored me" at times, but can't be sure.

There is more,,,, but you get the idea.

I might be able to help you out with some of this. I was also abused by my dad and a lot of this sounds familiar (not all). After I disclosed my abuse I swore to myself that I would never keep another secret again (no lies). I also developed a little something called "diarrhea of the mouth." I'm naturally shy but in my 20s if you got a few drinks in me I thought it was hilarious to get judgy on people. You know, no secrets. I wasn't a b about it usually... I think... But I probably crossed some lines and hurt some feelings. If my mother had spoiled me I would have been a lot worse.

Back then I thought I was an "old soul" because the abuse caused me to mature so much faster than my peers. There were times when I felt like I had a special purpose, to save all the children being abused. Panic attacks and rage can stem from abuse rather than BPD.

There is a lot of overlap between PTSD and BPD. I think you should consider that her personality was greatly influenced by what she went through. I can't even begin to describe how much it effs you up when your own father messes with you. If you haven't been through trauma therapy you either hide in your house all day or create a mask for the world.

I'm sorry that she hurt you and I hope you get your ring back.

Leili wrote:I might be able to help you out with some of this. I was also abused by my dad and a lot of this sounds familiar (not all). After I disclosed my abuse I swore to myself that I would never keep another secret again (no lies). I also developed a little something called "diarrhea of the mouth." I'm naturally shy but in my 20s if you got a few drinks in me I thought it was hilarious to get judgy on people. You know, no secrets. I wasn't a b about it usually... I think... But I probably crossed some lines and hurt some feelings. If my mother had spoiled me I would have been a lot worse.

Back then I thought I was an "old soul" because the abuse caused me to mature so much faster than my peers. There were times when I felt like I had a special purpose, to save all the children being abused. Panic attacks and rage can stem from abuse rather than BPD.

There is a lot of overlap between PTSD and BPD. I think you should consider that her personality was greatly influenced by what she went through. I can't even begin to describe how much it effs you up when your own father messes with you. If you haven't been through trauma therapy you either hide in your house all day or create a mask for the world.

I'm sorry that she hurt you and I hope you get your ring back.

Im so sorry that you experienced that… I wish I could give you a hug to make you feel better.

Do you mind me asking how old you are now? and if over time you sought therapy and if so, did it help?

I believe my relationship with her is now over, but I still consider the "what ifs", like what if she got better and changed? Is that possible or likely?

What is your take on that?

Unfortunately she sounds like she went through the exact same things you experience(d).

So your insight is very much appreciated.

Honestly, I'm seeing a lot of grandiosity. Her saying she was sent here to save humanity, that she's healed people, has a huge ego, etc. However, not necessarily the NPD kind. Has she been diagnosed with anything? Things that can cause thoughts like this include schizophrenia, bipolar, schizoaffective disorder, and some cluster A personality disorders. Some of what she says sounds like it's bordering on delusional, imo.

First attempt at sex was all about her, she told me I "didn't know how to perform", but proceeded to "show me how to to it properly" so she could be satisfied. (as a guy, this hit me hard and I didn't like it).

So unbelievably rude, tactless and inappropriate.

No, not that I am aware of. She did tell me that she knows she is "very broken".

Her family history (from what she told me) is that her dad (who abused her), she believes, is bipolar, although I haven't witnessed any mood swings in her myself to justify bipolar.

Overall she is level headed, quite intelligent, but has all of this going on in her head.

One thing (if it means anything) is that she told me that she puts up a wall as a defense mechanism too when someone "wrongs her", having the capability of "erasing all memory of them" forever in her mind.

I have watched her go off the wall, ready to "leave me" just because she assumed I said something, which she took the wrong way, which struck me as really odd, especially all I did for her (I saved her life).

She would also have a way of keeping things from me that she shouldn't have, was very good at it, yet things came out of her mouth later, which started me asking "why"?

Her therapist did say she had "no set boundaries", which would explain her hiding the guy she did from me, later trying to justify it.

She NEVER apologized to me for anything,,, even when I specifically told her I was hurt by something she said or did.

Borderline Narcissist with a mixed bag of other traits thrown in. She's higher on the Narcissistic Spectrum than me. Goths and Fragile Narcissism go hand in hand, btw. I've done the saviour thing myself. Mine wasn't quite so fragile though! I did get the silent treatment though; for taking her away from her one true love. The worst thing she ever did was to marry him. Her own words. That's Codependence for you. I think she's learnt her lesson now; after four bad relationships and me! It takes until middle age to finally see sense!

Nomoreabuse, something is telling me she may be schizotypal. My gut instinct is at least. Look up the criteria and see if it fits. She's grandiose yes, but something is telling me it's more the schizophrenic type. I have BPD and I'm not getting the BPD vibe here.

NimplyDinply wrote:Nomoreabuse, something is telling me she may be schizotypal. My gut instinct is at least. Look up the criteria and see if it fits. She's grandiose yes, but something is telling me it's more the schizophrenic type. I have BPD and I'm not getting the BPD vibe here.

She could be. I did look at some of the symptoms, she really doesn't have a lot of them, but she does have some. its hard to tell if her years of mostly isolation and her previous abusive boyfriend contributed to some of the "hallucinations" she would describe. How does one know unless they are diagnosed?

I took an online test for her, answered the questions as I know she would have answered them. She came up as high on the Narc scale, way above average.

Going back to how she acted, lack of empathy, grandiosity, and "no one understands me" are her "hallmarks".

I gave his girl slack because I know the trauma she dealt with and even though I didn't want to "rescue" her from it, I felt that once she got herself free from her situation, and grew, got over her abusive ex, she would change.

Thats what bothers me too, that I didn't really give her that chance.

Marriage material, mostly definitely. Have you popped the question yet?

nomoreabuse wrote:I took an online test for her, answered the questions as I know she would have answered them. She came up as high on the Narc scale, way above average.

This may be fascinating in a way you don't realize. We get more nons on the NPD forum than Ns (and more than Bs get on this forum). As I mentioned in one of of your many threads there, the common advice to nons is to give serious contemplation (even talk to a therapist) about how the other person activated or triggered something in the non.

Becoming aware of mental health issues can be very rewarding and help you understand others. Everyone has traits to different degrees. Seeing the disordered level of traits can help you understand the milder/normal way people's individual canvases can be painted.

But, taking a test "for someone" gets into a territory which might signify something more than morbid curiosity or productive education about a topic. Not only is it meaningless, but could reflect more on you -- in the same way most people's post-relationship obsession with a disordered person can reflect on them (in a way they are unable to see).

I could be wrong, but your interest in someone you've parted company with(?) (even taking personality tests for them, as if you could imitate what is a pathological framwork or organization of their personality) says something more about you. This isn't a criticism. Just that you might find something more useful if you keep the possibility in mind (especially over time). There are people who end up on pathological-victim sites where only such narrow self-talk is allowed. They never consider what about them played a role in what has become an obsessive focus on how someone else wronged them. If you were there, you would be banned for even asking the questions I'm suggesting you ask yourself.

So, it can be serious that way. I don't believe you're one of those toxicly unaware victims. But, it happens and if something about you was activated by "this woman," you may find yourself in your own repeating circumstances (activations, reenactments) not understanding why, increasingly painting the other person all black, while you're all white (splitting to preserve yourself, which is what runs rampant on the pathological-victim forums, from what I've heard. I haven't visited one.).

For some reason, your questions remind me of a fellow who was here 2-3 months ago asking about "this BPD woman." She wouldn't leave him alone, kept finding ways into his life. It turned out this had been happening for FOURTEEN YEARS. He was completely oblivious to how he played a role. It was always "this BPD woman" and asking questions which completely missed the larger point: she's disordered, he has the power to shut the door (if he's not), there was a reason he didn't shut it for FOURTEEN YEARS and it had more to do with him than her. She was his scapegoat and he was incapable of seeing it. Even here.

I don't think you're like that. But, that is a reason to calmly consider (keep in the back of your mind, retrieve if if you see repeating patterns in your life). What your goal is with "this woman," why you even have a goal concerning someone like this, whether it's more about you (do you get something from her treatment of you? putting yourself in her shoes? even pretending to be her taking a test?).

-- Sat Oct 17, 2015 2:45 pm --

Truth too late wrote:

nomoreabuse wrote:I took an online test for her, answered the questions as I know she would have answered them. She came up as high on the Narc scale, way above average.

This may be fascinating in a way you don't realize. We get more nons on the NPD forum than Ns (and more than Bs get on this forum). As I mentioned in one of of your many threads there, the common advice to nons is to give serious contemplation (even talk to a therapist) about how the other person activated or triggered something in the non.

Becoming aware of mental health issues can be very rewarding and help you understand others. Everyone has traits to different degrees. Seeing the disordered level of traits can help you understand the milder/normal way people's individual canvases can be painted.

But, taking a test "for someone" gets into a territory which might signify something more than morbid curiosity or productive education about a topic. Not only is it meaningless, but could reflect more on you -- in the same way most people's post-relationship obsession with a disordered person can reflect on them (in a way they are unable to see).

I could be wrong, but your interest in someone you've parted company with(?) (even taking personality tests for them, as if you could imitate what is a pathological framwork or organization of their personality) says something more about you. This isn't a criticism. Just that you might find something more useful if you keep the possibility in mind (especially over time). There are people who end up on pathological-victim sites where only such narrow self-talk is allowed. They never consider what about them played a role in what has become an obsessive focus on how someone else wronged them. If you were there, you would be banned for even asking the questions I'm suggesting you ask yourself.

So, it can be serious that way. I don't believe you're one of those toxicly unaware victims. But, it happens and if something about you was activated by "this woman," you may find yourself in your own repeating circumstances (activations, reenactments) not understanding why, increasingly painting the other person all black, while you're all white (splitting to preserve yourself, which is what runs rampant on the pathological-victim forums, from what I've heard. I haven't visited one.).

For some reason, your questions remind me of a fellow who was here 2-3 months ago asking about "this BPD woman." She wouldn't leave him alone, kept finding ways into his life. It turned out this had been happening for FOURTEEN YEARS. He was completely oblivious to how he played a role. It was always "this BPD woman" and asking questions which completely missed the larger point: she's disordered, he has the power to shut the door (if he's not), there was a reason he didn't shut it for FOURTEEN YEARS and it had more to do with him than her. She was his scapegoat and he was incapable of seeing it. Even here.

I don't think you're like that. But, that is a reason to calmly consider (keep in the back of your mind, retrieve if if you see repeating patterns in your life). What your goal is with "this woman," why you even have a goal concerning someone like this, whether it's more about you (do you get something from her treatment of you? entertainment? putting yourself in her shoes? even pretending to be her taking a test?).