I'm scared

I'm very frightened at the moment. From research I can only define one of my dilemas as Borderline Personality Disorder.

I was just wondering if anyone had had any luck in dealing with this problem without the use of drugs? I'm currently seeing a counselor in regards to this and many other issues I currently face. I have felt this way for a long time and I just want it to go away. If someone has found that the use of drugs has helped please reply, I just wish that I had the opportunity to try it myself. Only being able to see a counselor I think is damaging me emotionally because she can't administer drugs.

Please help me because I am on my last legs, or so it feels.



As for my relation to borderline personality disorder please consider this my explanation or reasoning for accepting this as another 'disorder' I seem to suffer with:

After reading an article on www.borderlineuk.co.uk I have found these symptoms;
Aggression - I show this emotionally as apposed to physically. I am very defensive.
Alcohol and substance misuse - I have to drink myself to sleep every night to make sure that I don't eat anything or that if I do eat something I do it without the ability to binge eat.
Anxiety - I can't make decisions by myself and fear the possibility that I might actually have to make a decision. I always feel anxious around people I don't know and feel uncomfortable in new situations.
Depression - I think I've suffered from this for a while. I used to go on bike rides about 5-6 years ago and take a penknife with me to cut myself.
Deliberate self-harm - I do this every night and am running out of space because I have to work with short sleaves. My arms and legs are tired of the abuse, even if my mind won't let it go.
Eating disorders - As discussed before I believe I have bulimia nervosa.
Suspiciousness - If anyone gets close to me I always suspect them of going behind my back and disrespecting me or being disloyal to me.
Preoccupation with routine - When I get into a new routine I stick by it, no matter how much it hurts. At the moment I don't eat all day then 30 minutes before work I eat 2 buttered and microwaved rolls and 2 pieces of toast and then throw them up whilst on the way to work. When I get home I drink until I pass out and always eat before I go to sleep, I only know this because I wake up with a plate next to me which is bad news to me. Otherwise I have no knowledge of eating at all.
Displaying a lack of emotion/remorse - I often feel hollow and useless to myself and everyone else.
Hypersensitivity to criticism - After talking to my psychiatrist I have found out that my unability to make decisions is partly due to the fact that when I look for a new job I'm always afraid of being rejected. I always think of it as a dig at my personality, even if it's only to do with the experience or my appearance (I have about 25 piercings).
Constantly seeking approval - I think very little of myself which links to my bulimia nervosa; I'm not happy with the way I look and always look to other people for approvable.
Dependence on others - The reason my last girl friend broke up with me was because I was far too dependant on her. I relied on her to eat when I wouldn't because it made me feel better about how much I ate. I never thought for a second that it would hurt her but it did. And it still does aparently.
Deceitfulness - Ok, this one doesn't count to me. I tell nothing but the truth.
Bullying and disregard for others - I wouldn't say bullying but I deffinately have no disregard for others. For the few people I care about I would go out of my way to help them or be approved by them. To me they are what matters most and they are the one's that I would do anything for, even sell my self esteem if required.

Then I read this; "A diagnosis usually has to include at least three traits or behaviours, which are deemed to be evidence of a disorder." I was crying throughout reading all of this but reading this last part made me break completely. To think that some people only relate to 3 parts of that analysis and to think about how many I relate to....It was just too much.

Thank you for your prompt reply. I'm sorry to hear that it's taken over your life and the life of your husband. Are you still seeing someone at the moment? My counselor seems to blame everything on my dad, but I think she's got it in for him for some reason because I don't believe he affected me like that. She's making me question the few things that I thought were concrete and thus taking me apart and I'm losing my identity too.

Were you ever given drugs to help you through? If so what affect did they have? Sorry if I'm asking questions that are a bit too personal.

At the moment I'm trying to find a psychiatrist near to me. My GP sent me miles away which was far too complicated for me to get to every week. I think I may have another place closer to home but I hate the initial confrontation so I'm procrastinating.

I'm so sorry to hear you haven't had much luck so far. Will you let me know how you get on in the future?

Thank you for your help