The difference between rejection and abandonment?

Mary24 wrote:

justagirl00 wrote:*TW*

Its true about BPDs. I would like a normal relationship, but I can't trust others, even when they try to love me, nobody will ever be that perfect, loving, constantly present person that will put up with my mood swings and splitting and still feel the same about me. Its very depressing. I try not to think about that either and just tell myself I'm happy being alone. But I can't feel loved, and that is a very cold, lonely way to go through life.

I can't have relationships. I hope this is not prying, but I thought you were in an online relationship. Did you get out of it? I ask because I have a problem forgetting about someone I met online. I'd really like to forget about it or just be a normal person, but neither option happens.

No, no problem.

I am in an online relationship but its still triggering to me already. There's a lot of red flags. I doubt it will end well. But I can't withdraw from it, I feel like I need it already. But I can't stop seeing all the reasons it won't work out at the same time. I don't know what's going to happen. He's pressing me to go visit him and I'm so tempted to do it, but I'm scared he won't like me any more, or I'm scared he will change his mind, or any other of a thousand possibilities. I'm losing my mind over this, just an online relationship. Can you imagine how a real life relationship goes?

Hugs to you if wanted. Its so hard. I don't know if its better to give up, or keeping trying.

justagirl00 wrote:

Mary24 wrote:

justagirl00 wrote:*TW*

Its true about BPDs. I would like a normal relationship, but I can't trust others, even when they try to love me, nobody will ever be that perfect, loving, constantly present person that will put up with my mood swings and splitting and still feel the same about me. Its very depressing. I try not to think about that either and just tell myself I'm happy being alone. But I can't feel loved, and that is a very cold, lonely way to go through life.

I can't have relationships. I hope this is not prying, but I thought you were in an online relationship. Did you get out of it? I ask because I have a problem forgetting about someone I met online. I'd really like to forget about it or just be a normal person, but neither option happens.

No, no problem.

I am in an online relationship but its still triggering to me already. There's a lot of red flags. I doubt it will end well. But I can't withdraw from it, I feel like I need it already. But I can't stop seeing all the reasons it won't work out at the same time. I don't know what's going to happen. He's pressing me to go visit him and I'm so tempted to do it, but I'm scared he won't like me any more, or I'm scared he will change his mind, or any other of a thousand possibilities. I'm losing my mind over this, just an online relationship. Can you imagine how a real life relationship goes?

Hugs to you if wanted. Its so hard. I don't know if its better to give up, or keeping trying.

I see. So you are still hanging in there. Yes,when I used to have real relationships I would constantly break up. I would not have the courage to meet someone in-person who I met online unless the location was close. I had a problem compulsively messaging and I guess it's ocd. It's so terrible. I stopped atm at least and hopefully it does not pick up again. I get blocked and then unblocked but there is no response. I wish I could just forget about it.

Hugs Mary

Its the same with me. Constantly breaking up with a real relationship. I haven't had that problem with the online one but there have been other problems. I'm too nervous to meet him, I doubt it will ever happen. I guess I'll keep it in the fantasy/online realm for as long as it lasts. Better than the lonely nights I guess.

I have the OCD problem too and couldn't stop texting/messaging certain exes. It was terrible. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Its so hard sometimes. Sigh. BPD is hard....

Huge hugs

justagirl00 wrote:Hugs Mary

Its the same with me. Constantly breaking up with a real relationship. I haven't had that problem with the online one but there have been other problems. I'm too nervous to meet him, I doubt it will ever happen. I guess I'll keep it in the fantasy/online realm for as long as it lasts. Better than the lonely nights I guess.

I have the OCD problem too and couldn't stop texting/messaging certain exes. It was terrible. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Its so hard sometimes. Sigh. BPD is hard....

Huge hugs

Thanks. Hugs to you too. Honestly, even online I push/pull.

From the Narcissistic side, I think that I fear rejection, but not abandonment. It bothers me when someone shows no interest in me when I approach, etc, but when someone is around for too long, they start to feel like an annoyance or like I am losing my independence and individuality and I become irritated at their presence and want them to go away.

So I think rejection and abandonment are in fact two distinct things. Rejection seems to harm the ego, and NPD is all about constantly creating the conditions for one's ego to be tested to prove that it is real, worthy, etc. Meanwhile, avoiding abandonment is about survival, and I agree with someone upthread who pointed out that a fear of abandonment is really a small child's fear of being left to fend for themselves by their primary caregiver. Since most Borderlines had at least one parent who contributed to their disorder by abandoning them, either physically or emotionally, it makes sense that Borderlines would fear abandonment as an adult much more than they fear rejection.

Esquire wrote:From the Narcissistic side, I think that I fear rejection, but not abandonment. It bothers me when someone shows no interest in me when I approach, etc, but when someone is around for too long, they start to feel like an annoyance or like I am losing my independence and individuality and I become irritated at their presence and want them to go away.

I was thinking precisely the same while writing my previous post, but didn't feel qualified compairing how this manifests in BPD and NPD.

If I'm completely honest, I think I'm exactly in the middle.

Thank you for the reply Esquire.

I also get irritated by people sometimes, but I never want them to go away. I usually do everything in my power to keep them with me, no matter how badly they treat me.

justagirl00 wrote:Any thoughts on what is the difference between rejection and abandonment?

I think of it this way: rejection occurs BEFORE there is a bond/emotional attachment/commitment.

Abandonment happens AFTER an emotional connection/commitment has been made.

Rejection is painful, of course, but for me, not a fraction as painful as being left by someone I have come to feel emotionally connected to.

Anybody have any thoughts about this?

I agree with your separation. Abandonment seems to occur after there has been acceptance. In much the same way you can abandon a cause or a political ideology, though this implies that you were at some point a supporter of that view. Rejection seems more of an immediate dismissal. There was never any approval to begin with, just out-right refusal.

In the context of relationships I think abandonment has more to do with character, integrity, security, and other long-term traits. Whereas rejection focuses on the short-term and superficial, things like appearance, social-status, popularity, etc.

Both are unpleasant, but the one that hurts more would depend on where you are in life and what you value. If you are younger and base your worth on how you dress, shallow qualities, and live by flings and short-term crushes/flavors rejection is probably going to hurt you more as it threatens this form of "supply". Once you are older and more mature I think you start to value commitment and stability more so being abandoned will make you doubt whether you are cut out for it.

I think someone with BPD will more strongly be affected by rejection to be honest. BPDs have already abandoned themselves: they tell themselves that they are "unlovable" and expect the abandonment once someone really gets to know them... they almost seek out this pattern to confirm this to themselves. But rejection? That threatens their security! Being worthless comes as no surprise to them, but to not even have a superficial package to mask it means they have nothing at all. They won't be able to replace the partners they know will desert them anyway and that means dealing with the anxiety alone. Also, on the whole BPDs are more immature and would therefore have the "younger" mindset.

You can reject after acceptance too though can't you?

I agree there is physical and emotional abandoning, but the difference between rejection and abandoning is not temporal in my opinion (one happening after the other or that one is even required initially).

You can not abandon someone, physically and even emotionally, while also rejecting them.

rejection/acceptance pertains being unwanted/wanted respectively.

but just because someone doesn't want you doesn't mean they are going to abandon you physically, or even emotionally, as they may still support you.

which leads me to define abandonment as withdrawal of support.

anyway, so distinctly:

rejection - you are unwanted

acceptance - you are wanted

physical abandonment - withdrawal of physical support

emotional abandonment - withdrawal of emotional support

conditional_love wrote:
I think someone with BPD will more strongly be affected by rejection to be honest. BPDs have already abandoned themselves: they tell themselves that they are "unlovable" and expect the abandonment once someone really gets to know them... they almost seek out this pattern to confirm this to themselves. But rejection? That threatens their security! Being worthless comes as no surprise to them, but to not even have a superficial package to mask it means they have nothing at all. They won't be able to replace the partners they know will desert them anyway and that means dealing with the anxiety alone. Also, on the whole BPDs are more immature and would therefore have the "younger" mindset.

I can only speak for myself of course, but this hasn't been my experience.

I've been rejected plenty of times. I go on a first date with a guy and he never calls me or shows any interest in seeing me or even talking again. This bothers me a little bit like it does to anyone but I get over it quickly. I can rationalize it pretty easily, like "I guess I wasn't his type," or "I must have said something wrong." Its no big deal, really. I might send one email or text or something and then if I don't hear back from him I drop it.

But after a relationship has been established, and then the person breaks it off....it is absolutely devastated. I go into full panic, every brain cell is on high alert. Its pure panic, terror, like I'm dying, it feels like annihilation, and something takes over to where I do everything in my power to prevent it from happening, including stuff that could get me arrested. I spend months in this state. It takes me months to get over it, even if the relationship was only three months.

Is it because this feels more like "abandonment" than "rejection"? I agree with Crystal that you can have rejection after acceptance as well. People can change their minds.

But when I panic after a relationship ends, I don't think I'm reacting to the "rejection" part. Its more like this person has become a fixture in my life, and so when he wants to leave, its like someone trying to remove one of my limbs. Its hard to see how I will function without him. Even though I functioned fine before him, I forget about that part.

It doesn't hurt my ego. My ego can take a beating, actually. I think Narcs are the ones with fragile egos.

Its something else that I'm not sure I can put my finger on it or describe it. It makes me panic and something takes over to prevent the abandonment at all costs.

Could it be because BPDs take on the identity of those around them...so its like we are losing our identity when we lose that person who defines us.