Emotionally Invested

hello,

would like to see if anyone gets emotionally invested on someone rather quickly? looking back, i seem to do this when i met my exes and guys who i got to know, talked with in the past. does anyone know why this is?

recently, i met this guy on a chat community and right away i knew we had a connection. he said he feels the connection as well. its only been a few days we are 'talking' getting to know each other. the first day, i felt my adrenaline, dopamine, sexual energy rise up! i got really hyper and excited... strange! anyways, i spoke to him today, and i found myself pushing him away because i am scared to be emotionally invested on something that is probably not going to happen. its long distance, there is an age difference (i am older) and ive had past experience with a long distance relationship gone bad!

now i feel bad. i feel i articulated how i felt to him in a clear, mature way though, but i still feel bad because i know i am coming from fear.

What are your thoughts? i appreciate any input.. thank you

Hi Rang,

I'm in a similar situation except I'm in this guy's position. I recently met this girl who, on the 4th day, told me she was falling for me real hard and that we had a connection. I felt the connection too but I told her it is too soon for a relationship and that we should take it slow. She agreed to take it slow but after a few days, she start to distance herself from me. She will disappear for a day or more and completely ignore me then come back like nothing happened. She had two long distance relationship prior to meeting me and both were bad. She's in England and I'm here in the United States. She come to visit once a year since she have relatives here. She's 19 and I'm 24. She grew up in a wealthy household with a single parent, her mother is histrionic so she developed BPD at a young age. Anyway, the whole situation is really confusing to me and it really sent me on an emotional roller coaster ride.

She once explained to me she have trust issues and that she doesn't want anyone to know all of her because it's too much for them and herself to handle. She couldn't handle it if she opens up to someone and they abandon her. She felt like it has always been her against the world, that's her reality all her life. I felt like she chose me because I'm so far away so I wouldn't cause as much damage to her if I were to leave (the expected disappointment). I'm a codependent, so naturally, this is a toxic relationship for me and her. I was so into her because I wanted to fix her, I wanted to share her pain with her, I wanted to love her so so bad. But I realize I can't fix her, I can't stand by her, I can't love her because I'm not the right person for her. I can't make her see that there are lovable things about her and that she is worth loving, she have to see that for herself. By not loving herself, it is extremely difficult for others to love you. She was so drawn to me because I'm so different from the other people from her past and so different from the people in her life now. She felt like I get her, I understood her, and we have similar taste in music and movies. She went straight into idealizing me and the possible relationship she could have with me. And I wanted to shower her with love and affection. AND THEN she started pushing me away, ignoring me, distance herself from me.

I recently accepted the fact that I'm not the right person for her and am going to leave her. She needs love and care but she won't be able to find it in anyone else or me, it must comes from within. No matter how much affection and love I give her, it will never be enough to get rid of the insecurities and fears. We tend to create the very reality that we fear. I highly suggest you end the relationship if you truly care about this man and focus more on yourself.

thank you bunny for sharing your experiences. i appreciate the wonderful insights. i recognized that all of these are but a part of a huge healing process and have to be taken day by day.

thanks again

I only fall hard and quick. I've never really had a relationship blossom or unfold over time. It's always this immediate click. We talk every day for hours or I spend all my time with him. I tend to become emotionally involved pretty quickly.

As much as I love that feeling of immediate connection, I'm trying to go slow these days. I really think it's better to take your time with love. It also makes it a bit easier to determine what is love and what is infatuation. I've only romantically loved one person in my life even though I used to think I loved a lot of people. I think it took slowing down and cutting down on the puppy love for me to really fall in love with him.