The anatomy of borderline PD

Sometimes I wonder if it is all (acting out, feeling white hot rage at being invalidated) a result of having taken cr*p too long from a pompous, overbearing, and nasty family member or some other older adult?

I think the acting/lashing out (can't say about acting in) are delayed results of not having responded earlier. Maybe it's just pent up rage that's got little to do with the current people in our lives?

The problem is that you may have found someone to be pompous and overbearing all along but never really blasted them for being annoying all along. And now the deep-seated annoyance is just bursting out of all your pores at every instance when you find yourself again faced with a situation where you cannot expressly or adequately express precisely what you feel. Maybe it's a bit of annoyance with yourself at not being able to express your disgust and disdain.

For me, healing would have to start with this realization and a few broken flower pots

Maybe that's when the letting go can truly start.

Any thoughts?

p.s. I also had ADHD, so the bottling up was worse.

I'm not an angry person persay. My anger has purpose and is only in particular situations. It's protective. I lash out to either attempt to gain power or control in a situation or to push someone else away when I'm afraid of being hurt. For a very long time I had no idea why I was doing it. It just felt natural.

I'm actually the opposite outside of lashing out. I tend to forgive too easily and not hold grudges or anger. I hate holding on to anger, which is a shame as it's incredibly protective. One day I'll be like "I f***ing hate my ex. He's such a dick!" and the next it will be like "but I miss this about him". I wish I could let anger overpower my other emotions. I can't go black like some other BPD people can.

ChessKnight wrote:Maybe it's a bit of annoyance with yourself at not being able to express your disgust and disdain.

It usually is, anger usually is.
That's why I often don't take others hatred/anger very personally. Or then I fundamentally don't care enough, who knows.

I was going to write that I'm not an angry person. But then someone suitably said 5 minutes ago, "How can you be so ######6 angry"
Ok, given the situation, it's justified. But I didn't feel at all angry.

AmorousDestruction wrote:I'm not an angry person persay. My anger has purpose and is only in particular situations. It's protective. I lash out to either attempt to gain power or control in a situation or to push someone else away when I'm afraid of being hurt. For a very long time I had no idea why I was doing it. It just felt natural.

I'm actually the opposite outside of lashing out. I tend to forgive too easily and not hold grudges or anger. I hate holding on to anger, which is a shame as it's incredibly protective. One day I'll be like "I f***ing hate my ex. He's such a dick!" and the next it will be like "but I miss this about him". I wish I could let anger overpower my other emotions. I can't go black like some other BPD people can.

Anger is not at all protective. Not the white rage I used to feel, because it was invariably followed by depression over my behavior and a hurtful resentment over inappropriate behavior. The obsession with control came from not wanting to go through the cycle.

After finally resolving my anger with my therapist's help, I have also stopped holding grudges. That is a big thing for me. Also, I don't want to control anyone. It is liberating.

In a nutshell, don't start relying on anger as the primary emotion. Good you forgive and forget!

-- Tue Dec 09, 2014 9:42 am --

WendyTorrance wrote:

ChessKnight wrote:Maybe it's a bit of annoyance with yourself at not being able to express your disgust and disdain.

It usually is, anger usually is.
That's why I often don't take others hatred/anger very personally. Or then I fundamentally don't care enough, who knows.

I was going to write that I'm not an angry person. But then someone suitably said 5 minutes ago, "How can you be so ######6 angry"
Ok, given the situation, it's justified. But I didn't feel at all angry.

Very mature! I guess I suffered from a real bad case of anger then. I usually found myself unable to deal with a particular set of emotions and a certain type of person. That brought on the rage and acting out.

I am coping now, better skilled and equipped through CBT to not fall into the same pattern of destructive thoughts.

Almost feels now Anger Management was the biggest thing for me.

Good of you guys to share!

I was going to edit, but it was interrupted, so I'll continue.

ChessKnight wrote:Almost feels now Anger Management was the biggest thing for me.

Perhaps also for me. But anger management is difficult, if you are unfamiliar or aware that it is the case of anger. Nothing in circumstances logically suggests that it would be anger.

Today, all those feelings that I rode with anger/irritation are flat. Merely glimpses.
So it's no wonder that I used negative emotions to emphasize them.

WendyTorrance wrote:I was going to edit, but it was interrupted, so I'll continue.

ChessKnight wrote:Almost feels now Anger Management was the biggest thing for me.

Perhaps also for me. But anger management is difficult, if you are unfamiliar or aware that it is the case of anger. Nothing in circumstances logically suggests that it would be anger.

Today, all those feelings that I rode with anger/irritation are flat. Merely glimpses.
So it's no wonder that I used negative emotions to emphasize them.

You nailed it! The trouble is you get all these feelings due to unresolved issues and then, almost as an after thought, you add layers of negative emotions to justify the feelings. The feelings precede the emotions and then the mind just gets more confused. My situation was worse due to my ADHD.

It's important to delve into where those feelings of frustration and 'helplessness' really come from. The anger is a protective/reactive mechanism in response to the feelings/frustration. It's all difficult because you can't control the sequence.

ChessKnight wrote:

AmorousDestruction wrote:I'm not an angry person persay. My anger has purpose and is only in particular situations. It's protective. I lash out to either attempt to gain power or control in a situation or to push someone else away when I'm afraid of being hurt. For a very long time I had no idea why I was doing it. It just felt natural.

I'm actually the opposite outside of lashing out. I tend to forgive too easily and not hold grudges or anger. I hate holding on to anger, which is a shame as it's incredibly protective. One day I'll be like "I f***ing hate my ex. He's such a dick!" and the next it will be like "but I miss this about him". I wish I could let anger overpower my other emotions. I can't go black like some other BPD people can.

Anger is not at all protective. Not the white rage I used to feel, because it was invariably followed by depression over my behavior and a hurtful resentment over inappropriate behavior. The obsession with control came from not wanting to go through the cycle.

After finally resolving my anger with my therapist's help, I have also stopped holding grudges. That is a big thing for me. Also, I don't want to control anyone. It is liberating.

In a nutshell, don't start relying on anger as the primary emotion. Good you forgive and forget!

That's the whole thing about BPD, right? It's full of ineffective coping mechanisms. But it still is somewhat protective for me, just at the cost of relationships. I push them away but I always want them back again and feel like I need them. My past relationships were full of lots of low-blows directed at my significant other and then begging and apologizing. Not a fun time.

I mean, I think if you're used to holding grudges it can be great to not have that anger anymore, but anger is in fact a useful emotion in some circumstances. When someone hurts you, you should be angry. You don't want to hold on to that anger eventually, but you should hold on to it for long enough not to let destructive people back into your life.

AmorousDestruction wrote:

ChessKnight wrote:

AmorousDestruction wrote:I'm not an angry person persay. My anger has purpose and is only in particular situations. It's protective. I lash out to either attempt to gain power or control in a situation or to push someone else away when I'm afraid of being hurt. For a very long time I had no idea why I was doing it. It just felt natural.

I'm actually the opposite outside of lashing out. I tend to forgive too easily and not hold grudges or anger. I hate holding on to anger, which is a shame as it's incredibly protective. One day I'll be like "I f***ing hate my ex. He's such a dick!" and the next it will be like "but I miss this about him". I wish I could let anger overpower my other emotions. I can't go black like some other BPD people can.

Anger is not at all protective. Not the white rage I used to feel, because it was invariably followed by depression over my behavior and a hurtful resentment over inappropriate behavior. The obsession with control came from not wanting to go through the cycle.

After finally resolving my anger with my therapist's help, I have also stopped holding grudges. That is a big thing for me. Also, I don't want to control anyone. It is liberating.

In a nutshell, don't start relying on anger as the primary emotion. Good you forgive and forget!

That's the whole thing about BPD, right? It's full of ineffective coping mechanisms. But it still is somewhat protective for me, just at the cost of relationships. I push them away but I always want them back again and feel like I need them. My past relationships were full of lots of low-blows directed at my significant other and then begging and apologizing. Not a fun time.

I mean, I think if you're used to holding grudges it can be great to not have that anger anymore, but anger is in fact a useful emotion in some circumstances. When someone hurts you, you should be angry. You don't want to hold on to that anger eventually, but you should hold on to it for long enough not to let destructive people back into your life.

True, true. I agree with you. It is very legit to be angry sometimes. The problem, however, is the over reaction, and that's the BPD part - classic example, the low-blows you talk about. I find it funny how the medical community thinks we are naturally prone to feeling things more 'deeply'.

I think, and that's my theory, that it's all due to one very long held grudge from childhood. That's what makes you borderline in the first place. The overwhelming desire to lash out for something that's added up. We become nasty and irritable over some long awaited "reward" of getting even. My therapist helped me let go and the whole thing made sense!

I love how 'validation' works to ease the pain, "I know you're really mad at this, but I'm here, and I care, so let's work it out!"

AmorousDestruction wrote:....I tend to forgive too easily and not hold grudges or anger.....

Actually, I see that as a strength......

For a long time I had trouble expressing anger. I suppressed it. It seemed like I had so much anger, due to years of being abused and never being allowed to stand up for myself, I was forced to be submissive for so long, was not allowed to show anger, so I suppressed it and internalized it. It got to where I felt like if I even let a little out, the dam would break and floods of rage would come pouring out.

Gradually I came to be able to feel and express anger. The past few years I have tended to have rage attacks, I never used to do that. I see it as a form of recovery, steps towards healing, because expressing anger is better than suppressing it I think. Suppressing anger gave me severe anxiety and panic attacks and depression and suicidal ideation. Now I just have occasional rages and then feel a little better, if not embarrassed or guilty about my rages. I hope I'll somehow be able to resolve the anger coming from years and years of mistreatment and abuse I had.