Am I BPD? (Researching udBPDEx)?

Hello, I'm new here.

I've been doing all the reading as a Non ...
But the familiarity I felt / feel with certain beliefs, actions of my bizarre, abusive ex, the recognition of 5 of the 9 BPD traits in myself, plus discovering the Quiet Borderline (AJ Mahari and AN Other) has left me a little shell-shocked that maybe I am BPD myself, albeit a very quiet / internal / acting-in one (self sabotage / harm, illness, suicidal, empty, chameleon, highly sensitive).

If this is true - having been discarded and painted black by my ex (and having maintained NC for 3 months) after him telling me that my persistence in coming back is 'embarrassing' and that I have abandonment and codependency issues - would it be silly to message him that I understand (without too much detail), that I've done work on myself (I have) and that I'm here if he needs to talk - but not for a relationship?

Confused

Have I written something wrong?
Lots of views but no replies

hi phoenix,
i believe it is because on this forums it is not possible to make or confirm self diagnosis. if you do feel you have these issues and they feel debilitating to you, the best would be to seek professional advice so that if needed you may receive proper support/therapy.
ps. as for messaging the boyfriend…any developments? perhaps not such a good idea to play doormat?
good luck!

Oh, I see.

Actually, I wasn't looking for a self diagnosis, nor was I extending myself as a doormat.
Rather, I want to express that I now understand why I felt the connection I did, which I have never felt before - and that if he wanted to talk, I'm here.

Maybe I am attempting to correct the horrors of my childhood, but rather I feel that I want to reach out to someone who at last I can relate to - now that I 'get it'.

Not sure I'm explaining myself well, but it's been a very, very lonely life (despite the amount of people around me and being a twin) and if I had had someone actually understand me - instead of invalidating every emotion, feeling and thought - then maybe I would have 'got it' sooner (despite the huge amount of self help and therapy I've done) and felt less alone. I have read of others who have got through to their exBPDs by communicating that they are there for them.

I am NOT looking to rekindle what was, rather to reach out to someone who is physically very ill as well as the other stuff.

My question really was (badly worded) but how do I reach out to him - really reach out, not to try to rekindle - without referencing BPD and without pushing him further away? He did start therapy when I suggested it and he did recognise some bad stuff.

Thanku.

sorry phoenix i had completely missed the point of him having issues! mea culpa.

so, messaging him. all considered why not. always nice to know that somebody cares for you.

sorry again. good luck.

Only you can really tell him how you feel in the best way. Just try not to blame yourself for the past and keep yourself guarded by putting up boundaries in the present.

Thank you blackcat and Rainbow - thank you too, yes I understand boundaries much better now and also want to tell him I forgive him and apologise for the way I dealt with us, as I didn't understand then.

This is a very delicate matter.

Congratz on the 3 month NC.

Does he have other people to rely on in his challenging times? If so, I'd let him go completely. If not, you could let him know that he can reach out to you if he needs someone to talk to. Think about how you want to word it. You want it to be short and precise, leaving no room for a different interpretation. Don't make yourself seem too available. Even as just a friend.

As for telling him you've learned - go right ahead. Again, keep it short. Say you handled some things in a wrong way, but that you're thankful for it, because it was a part of your learning experience.

Think it over. Write it out, leave it for a while, return to it later, sleep on it, and re-read it before hitting the send button.

Welcome to the forum.

Personally, I would not want to break NC after 3 months. What would be the benefit? If he is not someone who is treating you with respect and making you happy, I don't see what benefit there would be in it. Especially after him telling you you have abandonment issues and that your contacting him is "embarrassing," etc., you would only be reinforcing his beliefs.

Maybe you are not trying to get him back, but he will interpret it that you are, I guarantee it. And that won't benefit you at all. It will only benefit him, i.e. giving him an ego boost.

If you believe you are BPD probably the best next step is to contact a therapist.

I'm the pot calling the kettle black because I have BPD and have not been in therapy for years. And I am obsessed with a guy and can't stop contacting him. If I could take my own advice, I would. I'm obsessed. :/

Anways 3 months NC is a great achievement and if you break it, you will just be back at square 1. I haven't worked up the will power to go NC yet. He is ignoring me but I still keep contacting him. I lose a little more pride and dignity each time. It feels like I'm just digging a deeper hole, confirming to him how "insane" I am each time I contact him. I doubt he will ever contact me again but I still can't stop. Its like I become possessed and need to reach out, even though I know it will do no good and only makes me look worse each time. I am giving him more and more power. The one less invested in the relationship is the one who always holds more power.

Keep us updated on what is going on with you. Thank you for posting and I hope this helps.

Thank you EKO - that's very helpful. He does not have anyone to talk about 'stuff' with, as far as I know, other than the therapist he started seeing after I encouraged him to.
That is exactly what I intended to do, in fact have started, as I want to be as short and concise as possible. I've done a lot of research into trying to make sense of it all and I can recognise and understand parts of it - which is where I recognised the BPD in me - but I don't misinterpretations if I can help it.

Justagirl - thank you too. I understand your concern. I have worked extremely hard on my own issues - I'm not out of the woods but have been having multiple therapies (currently doing inner child work with one T through my own research and request) and have been told that I am extremely conscientious with it all. I don't want to come across the wrong way, but I don't actually want to get an official diagnosis, as I have experienced multiple negative impacts with the current diagnosis I have and just don't trust doing so.
I understand the addiction of trying to get back the idolisation - I just want to be true to myself (authentic) and express that I am here, whilst also recognising how far I have come and that I just cannot afford to return to such a relationship as it was - my life depends upon not doing so.
This is an expression of my power - i.e., I'm here if you want to try to be an adult, otherwise seeya.

x