Promote What You Love and Stop Bashing What You Hate

This is my new goal...I am always interested in the act of splitting (a cognitive distortion and defense mechanism---a totally unconscious way pwbpd make sense of the world. It causes mood swings and contributes to arguments, criticism and blame). I want to somehow better myself in this department...

Can you explain what splitting does for you, and how it helps you make sense of your world? My last relationship was with a man who had symptoms of various personality disorders. One thing he did was to 'split'.

For instance he often talked about how previous women in his life had betrayed him, he was always the victim -- they were bad and he eventually got disgusted with them. Then he would say that he hoped that I would be different, that I would be 'good'. When I tried to address this with him, by saying that I was a person, just like anyone else, with faults, and I hoped he would be able to see me in various shades of grey from one day to the next, rather than black and white, he got upset, as if I was trying to 'ruin the day' or provoke an argument.

Indeed he was an abusive character all the way around -- a compulsive liar too, so I don't believe any of the stories he told me, or if they were true they were only half truths. He externalized blame and was bitter to no end and would often go out of his way to provoke arguments not only with me but with perfect strangers...

But this splitting thing, I don't get what it actually does for a person.

This may be off-topic, if so let me know. I believe that my ex split himself too. That's why he invented
an elaborate 10 year history serving in special forces in the US military despite not having any paperwork to show for this and the fact that I found photos that he shot for a local newspaper in a photo archive at the time he was supposedly serving a foreign country in a foreign land.

He is not a US citizen and never lived there... He just bought thousands of patches and medals on ebay. I think he had to believe this fantasy so he would be 'all good'. And why he hardly ever accepted responsibility for harmful or unproductive behavior or words. At best he would say "I'm sorry you feel that way", which is a whole lot different in my mind than saying "I can see how what I did would upset you -- what can I do to improve our relationship..." -- that kind of thing.

I think it is unbearable for him to see himself as any other than a victimized hero and externalized blame. Do people who split others also split themselves?

Remember that idealisation can be just as dangerous as devaluation. Maybe try to see the middle ground?

I see what you're aiming for and I respect it

BUT

Remember that failures happen, and they don't mean the end of the world. Sometimes we can want SO BADLY to be positive and think positive and make it better and just stop being miserable that we see an instance of sadness/moodiness/anger/BPD symptoms as a failure- and we spiral. Remember that you can still feel- just remember that even if you fall short, you can pick yourself up and be better next time. "I can" is one of the strongest things we can say or think. And the truth of the matter is- just because I'm really sad right now doesn't mean I am not able to be positive or grow. It's a minor setback- I CAN be strong and I CAN love myself. Those are the important ones, to me at least.

Took a long time for me to say it but I've gotten to the point of "I am a good person" when I start to denigrate myself (I'm worthless/I'm lazy/I'm selfish/I failed/I should be better/I should have tried harder/I should have blah blah blah blah).

Sometimes it's just important to remember that I can. No matter what the past faults or flaws were- I CAN.

You mentioned that you are really sad right now. I hope that you are feeling better...