Why does love hurt so much? *TW*

Sometimes love hurts, but do you find it true that love hurts at least 5 times more when you have BPD? Because I find it true, especially when it's unrequited love (in my case) or when I simply can't have that person. Then I get so attached I find it impossible to think about losing her, living without her...it'd be like dying a horrible inner death. This is why I'm terrified at the thought of falling in love.
It's gotten to the point that I'm just really scared of loving.

It's the strongest sense of oppression and dread when someone you love doesn't reciprocate or worse, abandon you...cause I've always dealt with girls not reciprocating, but I've always found myself unable to deal with abandonment in a healthy way. It becomes some kind of big loss, like death, like a funeral.
Maybe it's a bad thing to say but I'd rather know that person is dead because the kind of absence brought by death would be very different, if it makes sense.

Why? Why does it happen? Will I ever learn to deal with these feelings in a healthier way?
Why does the world seem like it's collapsing on me, its whole weight on me?

Yes, it's true that love hurts, but I've found that BPD "love" isn't really love, at least it hasn't been for me. In a really crude, awful way, it's "supply" or obsession, although it never feels like that at the time. I legitimately become attached to people. But love to me isn't really about need in the same way as it is with BPD. I realized this with my ex. I let him in and grew to actually love him. The first time we broke up, I lost it because I didn't want to be alone and felt so awful without him because I needed him. The second time, I really loved him and I lost it even more because he actually broke my heart. I let him in and made myself vulnerable and loved him and he hurt me. But I miss him now more than the way he made me feel when we were together. That's a big indicator to me. I just want to see him and be friends, although in all honesty I would miss what we had together. That's how I know it's love and not supply. And it hurt like a BITCH. But I got over it quicker and without moving on immediately to someone new because I didn't need the supply. I knew I could handle being alone and I am handling being alone.

I've never had unrequited love. That's my biggest fear. I always need the other person to want me as much or more than I want them. I just can't do it. My ego is too fragile. I feel like part of my what attracts me to people is partially having them be attracted back and wanting me.

I get how it can seem like you'd rather have a person die than abandon you because then it wouldn't be rejection. Feeling abandoned is the worst. But honestly, my most recent breakup is the first time I've really felt truly abandoned...a cold drop. And I'm still alive. So I'm hoping it might soothe my fear of being abandoned a bit..maybe? I think realizing that I can be ok without being attached to someone has done wonders for my fear of being broken up with. If I know that I have things other than that person in my life, I can cope much better.

I think it happens to me because I tend to want to enmesh with someone. I want to focus my life around them. It keeps me from focusing on mine and distracts me from loneliness. I haven't put very much effort into friendships and instead just put everything into my partner or current obsession. For me the world feels like it's collapsing because the world I've built around them is collapsing. When I've spent so much time focused on the relationship, it feels like there's nothing left without it. I feel like I have nothing without them.

This is all new to me, as I was diagnosed just before my last relationship, so I don't know the process of learning to deal with feelings in better way. I'm hoping that my next one will be a bit healthier. I honestly believe that I am more conscious of my feelings and actions and that will go a long way. DBT is a good way to learn that and just focusing on self-awareness in general. I can be a bit more aware of what I'm getting from the other person and why I'm interested. Feeling loved and getting attention? Having a person who I can use to center my life around? Having a distraction? Or do I actually have legitimate feelings for the actual person? I haven't been single for more than a few months for the past 4 years and I can only answer yes to the last question about one person.

But I don't want to put my experiences on you. You might feel differently or like your feelings are completely legitimate, which they might be. I'm not saying that everyone with BPD confuses obsession or getting your emotional needs met with love. I have no idea whether that's true. But it is for my experience of BPD so it might be the same for yours.

AmorousDestruction wrote:Yes, it's true that love hurts, but I've found that BPD "love" isn't really love, at least it hasn't been for me. In a really crude, awful way, it's "supply" or obsession, although it never feels like that at the time. I legitimately become attached to people. But love to me isn't really about need in the same way as it is with BPD.

Hmmm only partially true, in my case. Sometimes I realize it was nothing more than an obsession when it goes away for some reason, other times it's genuine love but still, BPD patterns are there.
I imagine BPD patterns like labyrinths and I'm just stuck there trying to find my way out.
Love and obsession in me are strongly related though. I believe I can love...I just can't love without being obsessed and being needy, if it makes sense.

I've never had unrequited love. That's my biggest fear. I always need the other person to want me as much or more than I want them. I just can't do it. My ego is too fragile. I feel like part of my what attracts me to people is partially having them be attracted back and wanting me.

Opposite situation here lol....people who don't reciprocate seem to attract me more.
I'm just too self-destructive. I'm self-destructive in every way possible, but I don't do it on purpose, of course.

I get how it can seem like you'd rather have a person die than abandon you because then it wouldn't be rejection. Feeling abandoned is the worst. But honestly, my most recent breakup is the first time I've really felt truly abandoned...a cold drop. And I'm still alive. So I'm hoping it might soothe my fear of being abandoned a bit..maybe? I think realizing that I can be ok without being attached to someone has done wonders for my fear of being broken up with. If I know that I have things other than that person in my life, I can cope much better.

Yeah that's true. But do you find this cycle of fears and needs hard to break? I do. Ok, I realize I don't need someone else to breathe and live, yet I keep committing the same mistake over and over again because I'm just stuck in this pattern.

I think it happens to me because I tend to want to enmesh with someone. I want to focus my life around them. It keeps me from focusing on mine and distracts me from loneliness.

Exactly, that's another thing I can relate to. I can relate to many things you say, actually.

I'm hoping that my next one will be a bit healthier. I honestly believe that I am more conscious of my feelings and actions and that will go a long way. DBT is a good way to learn that and just focusing on self-awareness in general. I can be a bit more aware of what I'm getting from the other person and why I'm interested. Feeling loved and getting attention? Having a person who I can use to center my life around? Having a distraction? Or do I actually have legitimate feelings for the actual person? I haven't been single for more than a few months for the past 4 years and I can only answer yes to the last question about one person.

It's good to know you're more aware. I seem to be at least partially self-aware, yet I'm stuck in the pattern. I have legitimate feelings but at the same time they tend to be contaminated by that damn unhealthy, stalkerish obsession.

But I don't want to put my experiences on you. You might feel differently or like your feelings are completely legitimate, which they might be. I'm not saying that everyone with BPD confuses obsession or getting your emotional needs met with love. I have no idea whether that's true. But it is for my experience of BPD so it might be the same for yours.

Actually, I can relate to most things you wrote the only difference is that I had genuine feelings for someone but the obsession stayed there no matter how genuine my feelings were.

All I know is that hurts to give your all to someone, just to turn around and see it was a game for them...and something they do acrosss multiple forums.

This forum just being one of them. It's been amazing to read his posts going back to when we still "together" (and he was still together w god knows how many...sure enough talking up girls here, girls much younger than he. )

Love isn't to be found online, imo. Theres a certain group here and at another place wholl use any tactic, even "love"..to try to mess with peoples mind, cause it does something for he and his GF.

CI don't think any forum here would suite them better than the psychotic one (the sad psychotic place)

Because they are indeed, a very sad case.

I did really love though. But not anymore, not just so some aging woman can feel superior to me for 15 mins? feel superior because they can lie?

Thats so sadly pathetic

past relationship? (tiggering)
same system as bettered woman syndrome love and trauma are linked sometimes
knowing you want something means you are venerable to loos it
love is a drug they way ppl react to love is the same as an addict

Love isn't a drug, obsession is.

Messing with people's minds - if people don't actually get/feel authentic reactions in other ways, they have to get them from others. And the saddest thing is that some people think we are all the same.

WendyTorrance wrote:Love isn't a drug, obsession is.

Yes. Love includes real consideration of the other person's wants, needs and feelings. There is also degrees of obsession...

Im-pure wrote:

WendyTorrance wrote:Love isn't a drug, obsession is.

Yes. Love includes real consideration of the other person's wants, needs and feelings. There is also degrees of obsession...

Even love itself is actually a drug. I looked into it a lot when I was trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me and came across "love addiction" as a possible answer.

Helen Fisher does a lovely TedTalk on it. Love, even for nons, is processed in our brain in the same way addictive drugs are. Love truly is a drug, even if it's genuine.

Obsession isn't a drug to me. Obsession is distraction. Feeling loved and cared for is the drug for me. My focus on the other person is a nice distraction but it's also a pain in the a$$ and anxiety inducing, but I do it for the feeling of being cared for.

ElKahn wrote:Yeah that's true. But do you find this cycle of fears and needs hard to break? I do. Ok, I realize I don't need someone else to breathe and live, yet I keep committing the same mistake over and over again because I'm just stuck in this pattern.

Yes. My experience of BPD for the past 6 months or so has been feeling like I just make the same mistakes over and over no matter how aware I am of myself. It feels compulsive. I'm hoping going on an effective dose of my mood stablizer and being more aware in the moment with DBT will help me stop myself, but I don't know. I honestly think that learning that I can be ok alone has made breakups easier. Just 2 months man-free have been a godsend. My ex and I had a mini-breakup over the summer and I was a bit sad but I was fine. I didn't have a fit or lose my mind. It was easier. This was while I was starting to get true feelings but before I seriously fell in love. I was fine not being together. And while I still think about my ex, especially when I'm down, I don't obsess over losing him as much as I did after the first time we broke up. I think progress can be made. My issue is that my actions are still repetitive and compulsive while I'm in a relationship. But like I said, this is my experience with one person, given he's the only person I've seen since being diagnosed 9-10 months ago. I post on here all the time so I think it's hard for people to understand that I in part have no idea what I'm talking about. I've made a lot of improvements in my life and become incredibly more self-aware in a short span of time. However, it's in part because I'm obsessed with my mental health at this point and figuring it out. I've spent so much time on my BPD. It's hard not to see it as something that I can solve and make my life amazing.

ElKahn wrote:Actually, I can relate to most things you wrote the only difference is that I had genuine feelings for someone but the obsession stayed there no matter how genuine my feelings were.

I'm glad I wasn't putting my issues on you. It actually can be upsetting to realize how transient my BPD love interests (I wouldn't use the word "obsessions" for my personal experience) are. I claimed to love and care for them, but in the end, once I found someone else...gone from my mind completely. So many ex's I feel nothing for. No interest in their lives or being friends. I don't even like them. And it's not because I've split them. It's so weird and makes me feel so awful about myself. So I guess it can be good and bad either way. I get over them quickly but it makes me feel like a monster.

AmorousDestruction wrote:Even love itself is actually a drug. I looked into it a lot when I was trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me and came across "love addiction" as a possible answer.

It may be that it causes the brain similar processes as drugs, but the most important thing is how it manifests itself. My relationship didn't have anything obsessive or drug-like for 6 years. Love should bring security and good things, not be in any way abrasive.
"Some drugs can cause addiction and habituation and all drugs have side effects."
No side effects. Thank you.