bpd, cheating and consequences *tw*

I have done reading about cheating and bpd. Seems common enough. I found good info why they do it, etc.

I am close to someone who has bpd (maybe co with npd) and due to his cheating his wife has left for the final time. She didn't know he was cheating. She suspected it but now she knows the severity of it - it is pretty bad.

He is very upset although he has been either cheating or taking action to cheat for over a year that I know of. He also tells everyone he is separated and has been for months - including me (they weren't). He can barely function at this point. (I also don't know if he will harm himself or not)

I am fine being a friend, mostly because I have worried lately that something is wrong and he is in pain - this is bfore his wife got clued in. I admit I am curious why a person, bpd or not, doesn't understand that cheating on your wife means she will leave. (?) It is hard for me to be nurturing with him right now, mostly I want to smack and be like "Of course you idiot - she should leave! Your constant hookups and searching for strange mean good decent wives won't stay!"

I can even sympathize a bit with why he does it but it is escalating and he should suffer the consequences. I don't know if stating as such and keep directing it back to accountability is harmful or just direct. Usually I am direct. I guess I want to understand the thought process behind it. I assume a bpd man knows cheating is wrong unless the wife is on board with an open marriage. I also didn't see any stop to this, I saw more escalation. However one wants to justify it - there is a price to pay for bad behavior. I will lose my job if I don't who up for work, no matter what is causing the issue...just as I cheat on my spouse he will leave me eventually (likely).

and I am very afraid he will hurt himself, it is keeping me up nights.

See, bpd and cheating never really made sense to me (then again, I don't think I'm your average borderline on a lot of levels). I guess it depends on your own value system and whether or not you value the trust given to you by another individual. I wouldn't condone cheating either.

We, as borderlines, are constantly looking for companionship and a relationship, why screw it up and self sabotage with cheating?

Any insight, others?

I don't think your friend needs judgment, I think he craves understanding and empathy. Cheating or not cheating is a moral judgment for each individual to make, it's not a BPD thing.

Probably the best thing to do is to listen and then offer some possibilities. For example if he does not understand why she left him you could offer that she may have felt hurt and disappointed in learning he was cheating and some women make it a point to not stick around with infidelity in relationships. And perhaps offer your perspective of what you might have done in her place.

It can be frustrating but sometimes what is a clear sequence of thoughts for us truly is not obvious to someone else. And we should not take that for granted. I myself have fallen in this trap of assuming something should be obvious where it was not to the other person.

Above all if you want to be a good friend try to be more understanding less judgmental

-- Sun Aug 31, 2014 5:14 pm --

I don't think your friend needs judgment, I think he craves understanding and empathy. Cheating or not cheating is a moral judgment for each individual to make, it's not a BPD thing.

Probably the best thing to do is to listen and then offer some possibilities. For example if he does not understand why she left him you could offer that she may have felt hurt and disappointed in learning he was cheating and some women make it a point to not stick around with infidelity in relationships. And perhaps offer your perspective of what you might have done in her place.

It can be frustrating but sometimes what is a clear sequence of thoughts for us truly is not obvious to someone else. And we should not take that for granted. I myself have fallen in this trap of assuming something should be obvious where it was not to the other person.

Above all if you want to be a good friend try to be more understanding less judgmental

-- Sun Aug 31, 2014 5:14 pm --

I don't think your friend needs judgment, I think he craves understanding and empathy. Cheating or not cheating is a moral judgment for each individual to make, it's not a BPD thing.

Probably the best thing to do is to listen and then offer some possibilities. For example if he does not understand why she left him you could offer that she may have felt hurt and disappointed in learning he was cheating and some women make it a point to not stick around with infidelity in relationships. And perhaps offer your perspective of what you might have done in her place.

It can be frustrating but sometimes what is a clear sequence of thoughts for us truly is not obvious to someone else. And we should not take that for granted. I myself have fallen in this trap of assuming something should be obvious where it was not to the other person.

Above all if you want to be a good friend try to be more understanding less judgmental

Hmm. I don't believe cheating is subjective, because if two people agree to be romantically and sexually exclusive (the very reason why people get married in the first place), then sexual or romantic contact outside of that agreement is a breach of contract. This is why divorce is a form a legal recourse.

I think an issue with all Cluster B PDs is the inability to foresee consequences. Some Cluster B individuals even deny they should be consequences, which is another issue that may pertain to what you wrote about your friend, Missy. It is likely he cheated so he wouldn't be left without someone to turn to should his marriage fail. However by cheating, his marriage did fail. It is a paradox, is it not?

I also had a friend who is like your friend. I eventually had to cut ties because his constant kvetching finally drove me up the wall. His attitude was that of self-pitying entitlement to the time, energy, and love of whatever woman he wanted at the time. He did nothing but complain about his wife while he was out trying to find someone to replace her. The woman who he wanted to replace his wife with didn't want to be involved with a married man, but he refused to divorce his wife unless he was guaranteed a relationship with the other woman. Another paradox - go figure.

Did he want to accept consequences? Well of course not. His wife stayed, so that cemented firmly in his mind that he was right in acting like a spoiled brat. In fact he felt it was unfair for anyone to judge him even though he was the one who was treating people like crap. I can put up with a lot from people, but it's the stubborn stupidity that eventually drives me away. Some people you can reason with, and it takes some effort. Fine. But then there are some people who never compromise, no matter how idiotic their course of action is, which is just a waste of time.

TRIGGER WARNING

ah all these things about marriage, contracts and the lot. to hell with it all, if you ask me.

free love.

we condemn the cheaters … do we ask ourselves what they are missing?

sick of society impositions, judgement, control, religion. they want us all living in our nice little boxes.dehumanised. without emotions.

###$ that. he cheated? he is BPD? Probably feeling empty, desperate, lonely to the point of falling into the void.

Hello blackcat, do you not agree that the wife in question has a right to leave her marriage in the event she finds out about behavior that puts her emotional and physical health in jeopardy? The wife leaving is a consequence, and it's a consequence because she also has a right to decide what is right for herself.

Let's say that it's not about cheating. Let's say she found out he was shooting heroin instead. Both cheating and heroin addiction exposes you to biological risks, financial loss, and emotional harm. Would you also say the same things about a heroin addiction?

I don't know if my former acquaintance has BPD. But I can guarantee you, in the situation I dealt with for more than two months, he wasn't lonely, or looking to fill a void. He was miserable in his marriage because his wife wasn't 150% sweet, submissive, nor conventionally attractive (she gained weight). Why he chose to marry her, I will never know - but I do know this. He should have thought twice before making a promise he didn't intend to keep. He should have thought about the feelings of someone other than himself while he persisted to blame everything on his wife and dump his dissatisfaction on everyone else. He should have thought about his son, and what his son would have gone through had he left or forcibly taken him away from his mother.

So, cheating to me isn't just about obedience to ideology. There is no outside imposition if someone freely chooses to enter into an exclusive relationship under the agreement of fidelity. They've imposed that upon themselves. And religion? Heh - would you be surprised to know that he is also fundamentalist Christian who also wanted other people to conform to fit into little boxes? Or that he was so controlling that at any time his wife didn't pay the bills on time or showed a mind of her own, he'd fly into a rage? Whatever inkling of pity I used to feel for people in unhappy relationships is gone because of him. So yeah, pity the cheaters. Sure. Whatever.

do we ask ourselves what they are missing?

Nope. I couldn't give a crap.

Probably feeling empty, desperate, lonely to the point of falling into the void.

Then get some damn therapy. Problem solved or not?

What is with all these threads lately? I have never correlated BPD and cheating. Perhaps BPD and being cheated on... I have never cheated.

Yah (I withdrew my original post so as not to trigger others).

angelinbluejeans wrote:Maybe it falls under the criteria of 'impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, e.g. spending, sex', etc., etc...

As self-sabotaging and sexually impulsive as I am, I become way too obsessed with my significant other to even see any others. How could you cheat if you are completely unaware another exists? It is to the extent that I had a break up a couple of weeks ago but still couldn't imaging looking at any other. It takes time for that to pass.

However, I could certainly see how someone meeting that diagnostic criterion could do it in that way.