Is having relationships and dating realistic with BPD?

****I would consider myself a high functioning, recovering borderline.****

I know that there are many borderlines who pursue relationships. This is actually a common thread in many bpd forums. Women (mostly) will often respond to questions like these with, "Of course! Been married 10 years! Blah blah...."

However....I have often made the observation that they are extremely UNHEALTHY and toxic relationships, where the BP is draining and unhealthy or it is a mutually toxic relationship with another mentally ill/insecure person. I have found reading through forums that it is an up and down, knock 'em out drag 'em out kind of battle with maintaining relationships.

We have an innate ability to draw in weak, passive and empathetic people who often can't hold their own and stand up to us and have healthy boundaries. Or...on the flip side, attract narcissists who have no problem exploiting our vulnerability and playing with our fragile emotions and who want to do the borderline/narcissist dance of doom.

Can anyone tell me that they have had a HEALTHY, long term relationship while having BPD?

I haven't. I've dated casually, but after two consecutive relationship failures that occurred 2-3 years ago (one with a passive codependent, the other with a narcissist). The breakups triggered my abandonment issues and I am terrified of attaching to anyone. Sure, I've dated casually, but no one has stuck. I am terrified of opening up about having BPD to another person again, knowing that a potential partner will eventually need to know this (and yes, I know not to share it on the first date, I wait months before revealing it to another person). It's one thing to already be with someone when you're diagnosed (we found out together!) and another thing to have to share that with someone when you already are full aware of a problem. Wait too long, you're being deceptive, tell too soon, you have poor boundaries and are guilting them into not leaving.

Healthy people aren't attracted to us (and run at the first sign of instability), but to be honest, I am really not all that interested in being with another unhealthy person that will ether willingly/or unwillingly enable/trigger my bad behaviors. I've done A LOT of HARD work to get to the point of so-called "high functioning" that I am. But even still, I have a hard time managing my emotions and not being an emotional vampire (working on it!).

Is the smart thing to do is stay alone and learn to live a life of independence? On one side, it can be lonely, but you won't get hurt and won't be rejected. On the flip side, no partner gets hurt, which means one less NON perpetuating that we are horrible human beings.

A) How have you told a new dating partner about the bpd?
B) How did they react?
C) Did the relationship last?
D) DId you choose to stay alone?

I don't suffer from full blown BPD but have been given a diagnosis of having some of the traits.

My first serious long term relationship was very unhealthy. It wasn't 100% down to me, but admittedly my psychological health issues played a big part in things going wrong at the time. My current long term relationship has turned out to be better but it's not without its problems. Mind you, I don't think there's any such thing as a perfect relationship. I think all long term relationships have their problems which need to be worked at.

My partner is fine about my diagnosis. Probably helps though that he's been given a similiar one. He hasn't always been the most understanding about my mental health problems though, as I also have anxiety/obsession issues he can't so easily relate to although things are better now than they used to be.

We are at a point we're considering relationship counselling because of certain ongoing problems. We're both willing to do our best to work at it so that we can both get the best benefit possible from it. Guess only time will tell as to how well it works out!

Nightowl9910 wrote: Mind you, I don't think there's any such thing as a perfect relationship. I think all long term relationships have their problems which need to be worked at.

There really isn't. It's also this current society/lifestyle.
(A choice, ability to settle in what you've got.)
I'm not sure if I have that ability. Although, with some I've felt it Big. But for me big feelings triggers big crash.

I've been in relationship, same one, on/off for 12 years.
I'm certain it can work out with the right person, not anything toxic. And early on awareness.
If I had the awareness sooner, things would be ok.

Edit. For the 18yo me, I'd choose to stay alone.

Yes i am sure its possible. I think it just takes the right personality combo (not the disordered traits), understanding and a balance of give-take. Its probably harder when the partners are young, but i think its more possible when older.
I don't know many BPD's in real life at all, and all i've seen online is bad things....but, think about it this way: when you're in a healthy relationship as a BPD even, you don't need to post on the forums unless you want to provide support for others. So, i think yes it is possible and even likely.

HurricaneAsh wrote:Healthy people aren't attracted to us (and run at the first sign of instability), but to be honest, I am really not all that interested in being with another unhealthy person that will ether willingly/or unwillingly enable/trigger my bad behaviors. I've done A LOT of HARD work to get to the point of so-called "high functioning" that I am. But even still, I have a hard time managing my emotions and not being an emotional vampire (working on it!).

I have come to this realization also. I am not attracted to weak/co-dependent types at all, only very narcissistic men who treat me badly. So right now I'm choosing to stay alone (while having an ongoing fwb type relationship with a narcissist, but that's another story) even though I'm terribly lonely and want a healthy relationship with someone who wants to be with me and treats me well. So far I have not figured out what to do about this.

Yes, it is possible.

I am in a committed, loving, healthy relationship. My fiance (soon-to-be husband! ) and I began our relationship while I was still coming out of being chaotic and emotionally volatile, as I was beginning to stabilize; he has seen the worst of me and loves me despite. We trust each other.

I am his partner, as he is mine. We support each other.

My illness doesn't get to define my relationships. I do.

~ Wolfy

the biggest problem i think is not that it's not realistic but that it makes it harder to find someone good (not a looser or user)
right?

Yes. I think it is possible. But if you read my other post you will realize that for me is still only something I believe in not a reality.
But I WANT to believe that LOVE exist. I need to believe. I must believe. I will believe.
Sometimes love and relationships are not the same thing.
hugs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxFN0BfYIKk
Honey Badger Radio: What makes a successful relationship
(all women group that does podcasts)

my personal imput (not on borderline but all relationships)

like someone not the idea of a (perfect) relationship
don't try to change someone (basicly you are not ready for a relationship imho)
make sure you and your partner are mentaly and financialy healty
be prepared to take the good with the bad in a relationship (it's not all roses don't bail at the 1st sight of trouble)
no one is perfect (you are not, your partner is not someone that is ok with not being perfect and is able to deal with that is sexy and makes you/them strong)
be honest (if you cannot be honest or if your partner cannot be honest you are not in a relationship but are looking for a fantasy that is not real)

i can go on but feel free to add

be willing to invest;
i see wommen that tell me they want a man to have a house good car and job and than i think what do they bring to relationships, this show's no willingness to invest in a relationship
this will only attrackt users (npd/aspd's etc) and loosers (Always ask why someone 's not in a relationship)


baby fever: baby fever time's running out on the woman's fertility not attractive and some thing attrackts users and loosers

love and relationships are 2 things one is involuntary and one is hard work