My 3 month descent; Not sure what I fell into

Hey PF. I made an account just for this post. I'm a 17 year old male and I've been feeling over the past roughly 3 months what I discovered to be similar to the symptoms of BPD. First, fair warning: I'm intensely interested in abnormal psychology and I might have become a little by hypochondriatic in the course of things. Second, I apologize for the wall of text to come.

So about 3 months ago, the pressure in school really started to peak. The due dates for some very important assignments were drawing uncomfortably close and I was less than prepared, to say the least. This also happened to coincide with my school's version of spring break, which is really more like an option for students to change venue so they can continue working on these assignments . Despite the fact that few of my normal friends and none of my closest friends had left town for spring break, I began to notice a horrible wrenching loneliness that would hit me at a moment's notice, often during the nighttime. For example, I was at home, talking to a close friend over Skype. We finish our conversation and no more than 5 seconds after hanging up, I am plunged into an incredibly lonely and sad state of mind. The sadness managed to take different forms as well, and the mood swings could be pretty dramatic. Another example is that I was in a remarkably happy mood late one night while messaging a friend and I even noted this to them. I hadn't a clue why I felt so different, as nothing in particular had changed in any respect. Fast forward 1 hour and I'm bawling in bed with feelings of utter worthlessness that came from nowhere. This went on for about a week or two and it slowly subsided but I still felt a subtle but extant feeling of loneliness afterwards.

The second series of episodes was about a month later. I was in school one day and, relatively early in the day, out of absolutely nowhere, I get the strongest feeling of frustration. I placed it on the fact that I despised sitting through most of my classes, though I'm not certain if that was the cause or if I made it the cause because I had no other possible cause to blame it on. This was the strongest prolonged feeling of frustration I'd ever felt. I ditched most of my classes that day and felt very violent. Notably, I didn't feel the urge whatsoever to act violently towards people, but all day I was fighting the urge to flip my desk as hard as I possibly could and throw it at the window (I think I took some of it out on my locker by kicking and punching it a few times). During one of the periods I ditched class, I hung out in the library and tried to find a way to distract myself. I put my earbuds in and drowned everything out with music while I read some article. It got a little bit weird for me at that point, because out of nowhere, reading an inspiring article about a father and his boy with Down's Syndrome who refused to roll over despite adversity, I began to weep uncontrollably. Admittedly, the article did hit close to home since I have a sibling with fairly severe learning disabilities, social disorders, speech disorders, etc. But never had I ever cried like that from some article that wasn't even that sappy. Well I continued crying for a little while, cleaned myself up, and tried to make it through the rest of the day. After I had left school, I relayed to a friend my feeling that started some time during the day and was noticed by me at the end of the day: I simply did not want to be conscious anymore. I wanted the feelings to just end. I didn't have any suicidal thoughts or anything of the sort but I just did not want to be awake for what was happening to me. The next day, I woke up and felt the same way as the day before. There was no way I was going to school, so I called in sick and slept a little longer. I watched TV to get my mind off of things for a while, and I saw a commercial that had a 5 second clip of that video of a boy with Down's Syndrome (funny coincidence, no?) receiving and opening an acceptance letter to college. I absolutely lost it. I had seen that video before and I'll admit that it made me well up a bit the first time I saw it, but I absolutely lost it when I saw just those few seconds. I sobbed with a force that I hadn't previously known I was capable of. That was the most notable thing that happened during the day. I should note that my tendency to feel lonely at the time was replaced with a general apathy and maybe asociality. I had forgotten that, because of some circumstances with their parents, a buddy of mine had to stay at my house for the weekend. I was completely against this but there wasn't anything I could do but try to be as gracious a host as possible. Well the company turned out to be a very good distraction that night; without it, I would have undoubtedly sunk much much deeper into a pit of sadness and frustration. The next day, he was still at the house but we didn't have much in particular to do. We kept ourselves busy for a while and I decided to retire to my room because my feelings were simply bearing down too much on me. I felt bad but I knew he could entertain himself since he felt comfortable in my house. I stayed in my bed from about 4PM until the next morning, getting up only to get something to drink or go to the bathroom. During that time, I alternated between sleeping, thinking, and crying. I don't remember too well what happened the next day, but I think I started easing back into things after that episode.

From that time on, I would get episodes that would sometimes last a few hours where I would not be able to think anything but negative thoughts about myself and some other people. I would repeat hurtful phrases in my head and out loud over and over, sometimes things I don't even mean. These episodes would prevent me from doing anything productive at all, and they really interfered with studying for finals. The thoughts at some point became most intense around a friend (a girl; still trying to figure out how I feel about her) and how she was the closest thing I could have had to a best friend but I ruined it by letting her see through me by expressing my feelings during my previously mentioned states of depression and how she thought I was narcissistic because I kept bringing up me and how I felt and my analysis of my own thoughts and emotions (that's just me, I like to do that for better or worse) even though I was far closer to feelings of self-hatred that anything else etc. etc. These were really rambling feelings that were at least partially grounded in reality and conversation with her. Since that time I once told her about how sad and lonely I was (this was the first episode mentioned in this post), I tried to not bring up my feelings again with her at all. The best way I could rationalize this was that I didn't want to bore her or reinforce her belief that I was only self-interested and narcissistic. I was able to conduct normal light conversation with her but even that started to fall apart because I felt I never had anything interesting to say and I was just frequently wasting her time. Now we barely talk at all and when we do, the conversation is palpably strained.

So my last episode coincided with the night before my last final exam. I forced myself to sleep and woke up extra early to get all of my studying done (a technique I began to frequently use when this happened; I'm more focused and less emotional early in the morning despite my hating mornings). Since then (two weeks at the time of this writing), I've cried only twice and not had an episode of comparable magnitude at all. I still feel this constant lingering feeling of emptiness (yes, using that word from the diagnosis but it fits) that comes and goes depending on my current level of cognitive and social engagement; that is, the more attention I'm putting into something or the more engaging people I'm around, the farther the feeling is pushed to the back of my mind. It invariably returns, though. What I find interesting and unsettling is that, every time I'm not feeling angst or outright anguish, I wonder if my symptoms are completely in my head or if they even existed at all. I'm reminded every once in a while that they do exist but I can't help but feel like I'm making this up. I also have a feeling that if this is anything close to a disorder, it's triggered by stress, since it's dramatically decreased in severity since my last final. I've been taking it easy while trying to keep myself engaged over summer break so far; it's actually not as difficult as I thought it'd be.

So what does this have to do with BPD? Well I stumbled upon this disorder by chance one night when I was feeling the symptoms. I was looking up bipolar disorder as a starting point, I saw Cyclothymia as a related disorder that more closely matched how I was feeling. From there I found BPD and immediately thought it fit me almost perfectly. I'll explain why and I guess I'll let some of y'all give your opinions on how close this is or how hypochondriatic I must be . I'll go through some of the criteria mentioned in the DSM-V as listed on THIS webpage. I think this is the closest disorder to whatever it was that I was feeling. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some of you told me it's just teenage hormones and I'm just overinterpreting it, but I don't know anyone else my age who's had this happen this severely (then again, would anyone tell me?).

• I don't think I have a strong sense of self but I don't think that it negatively affects me. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I really enjoyed and took to heart what we learned in class about Emerson and Thoreau. I don't mind not having too much direction. I enjoy the kind of freedom that it affords me, although it's difficult to say how something like this would affect a student with no real decisions to make quite yet. If it's relevant, I've switched vocation aspirations more times than I can count in the last year; all in vastly different fields of work and study.
• Constant feeling of emptiness. Yup. It wanes with social interaction, though. Not sure whether that changes anything.
• Notably, I've almost never dissociated before, and I certainly never dissociated during one of my episodes. The only times I think it's happened have been when I'm falling and about to hurt myself really badly. Time kind of slows down and I feel like I'm inside my own head looking through my eyes in a way. Maybe that's dissociation, maybe it's not, but I know I haven't done it in an episode.
• I noticed no impairments in my feelings of empathy.
• My moments of loneliness lead me to intense feelings of neediness. I'm not sure what "conflicted close relationships" means, but if it means that I feel conflicted about several of my close relationships and I think about it all the time and it prevents me from sleeping: check. I don't feel that strongly towards abandonment, real or not. I was actually recently abandoned by some 3 of my closest friends and my attitude has been completely indifferent so far. It's more like "I don't need them" (said sans emotion) than "what did I do wrong?! Take me back!" As far as idealization, I may be idealizing that girl I mentioned earlier a little too much, but I don't know if that counts at all (again, not sure how I feel about her).
• For that period from 3 months ago to the end of finals, I definitely went through periods of extreme emotional instability. Now, however, I've been feeling fairly stolid aside from the emptiness. Nothing shakes me now. I'm not sure if this violates the criterion.
• I definitely feel anxious about interpersonal stresses (even things that aren't stressful for a normal person, like holding a simple conversation). I don't know if I could say I feel apprehensive about uncertainty; I'm pretty okay with it for the most part. Despite everything I still like to roll with the punches and see where some things take me.
• Fear of rejection and separation from significant others is there, but not for many people. Maybe two: that girl and my best friend. Again, these feelings have, for the most part, subsided since two weeks ago so I'm not sure if this counts or I'm just in between episodes.
• Depressivity: sad mood, pessimism, and feelings of inferior self worth. Yup. Sometimes stronger than others and not very much lately.
• Interestingly, I've experienced almost no impulsively or excessive risk-taking. I might also be because that these two things are in polar opposition to my inherent personality.
• I wouldn't say I feel excessively angry towards others. Getting angry at well-meaning people is a human thing, and I don't think I do this any more than any "normal" person I know. I think I actually do this significantly less than most people I know.
• I've never really found myself sensitive to minor insults. Especially now, I feel like I have an emotional shell around me and not much can penetrate it.

One of the biggest problems here is that 3 months is not very much time at all to come to any kind of conclusion. Also, does this period of relative stability and apathy "break" my streak completely? Will it come back? If it does, is it considered frequent enough to count as chronic instability?

The main reasons I've written this entire thing up is because I like documenting things and I'd like to hear from people with this disorder. Furthermore, I would like to take this information to a psychologist to get a professional opinion but I really do not want my parents to know anything about any of this. I understand that keeping them in the dark isn't a good thing but I feel like this would be an elephant in the room in every single interaction if they knew about it. Since I'm a minor living at home, my parents have every legal right beyond doubt to find out whatever they want regarding what my psychologist and I spoke about. I trust that if I ask my father not to ask, he won't. My mother will probe to find out one way or another and I simply can't deal with that. I think I'll wait until later this year when I turn 18 to ask for therapy. At least then it won't be as simple to get such information from the therapist (living at home is still apparently an important factor in doctor-patient confidentiality). Thank you to whoever managed to read this far. I truly look forward to hearing what y'all have to say. I'd also like to find out what coping mechanisms some of you who experience similar feelings use regularly.

Little update. I broke my streak today when I cried out of nowhere for about 5 minutes.