Empathy and Self-centeredness

So I'm wondering if anyone else deals with problems with a lack of cognitive empathy, self-centeredness, or low emotional intelligence.

I'm starting to realize more and more how much I talk about myself and what I think and don't pay much attention to what other people have to say and how everything I do focuses on me. I feel like I don't have the capacity to care for other people. When I react to things, I never think at all about what the other person might feel. When I do think about how they feel, I feel extremely guilty that I've hurt them and so ashamed and angry at myself for being so selfish. When friends leave my everyday life and aren't around I don't think about them ever. I never miss people or really think about them, not my family or old friends. When lovers leave me, I think about them constantly and am extremely upset until I've found someone new to focus on. When my grandmother died of lung cancer, I felt nothing, except for when I saw her shriveled dead body and cried but just a little. I was relieved I was finally able to muster up some tears. My sister was grieved intensely for my grandmother and was extremely upset at me for years because I didn't really seem to care that our grandmother had died. I'm not quite sure if I did. I cried more about a breakup that happened at the same time as the death of my other grandmother than I did about my dead grandmother. I've never really been able to cry at a funeral and have to force it, but my breakups involve hysterical crying for hours on end. My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was in high school and I didn't really feel scared or worried or angry. It just kind of happened and she went through her treatment and it didn't really affect me.

I also need to be adored in relationships. I need to be the best lover, most attractive, most intelligent person that my romantic interest has ever had. I think about it often when I'm with someone. I rarely date men who I think can do better than me. And yet I have awful self-esteem and constantly pick at myself and my body. I feel uncomfortable with compliments and get really awkward when someone tries to make a big deal out of the fact that I go to an Ivy League school. I'm an attention seeker and am quick to tell any man who might be interested in me all about my issues and my trauma history and all of my kinky sex interests and history. I say it's to protect myself from judgment but it's for attention and so the other person will take care of me. It's also so all of my $hitty behavior can be excused by my illness and issues. All of my relationships usually only center on sex and my problems. I'm so wrapped up in my problems that I never seem to care about theirs. I use them as an emotional crutch and become dependent on having them affirm me and talk to me about my issues. I don't think I care about people. I think I care about how people make me feel emotionally.

And yet, my career is something that will earn me almost no money and is focused on helping others. I'm interested in improving the health of minority groups and vulnerable populations. I will talk forever and ever about social justice and inequality if you let me. My past two jobs were "service" jobs where I got paid nothing and did things like teach middle schoolers nutrition or lead an empowerment group for teenage girls. I know I do it because I'm passionate about what I study and the projects I've worked on and not to gain some kind of recognition or feel good about myself. I always want to take care of my lovers and be the person who can make them feel better and happy. I want to comfort them when they're sad and just wrap my arms around them until they're ok. When I see people hurting I feel so bad. I can't handle animals or people in pain. I can't stand to see people embarrass themselves on television shows or in movies and it makes me cringe and cover my eyes. I'm interested in people and like them- I'm a freakin' social scientist!- but I never feel like I can really connect with them even if I understand them academically.

Is this NPD or just another symptom of BPD? Can other people relate to this? WTF? Are these issues acknowledged in a therapy program because I really don't see them in DBT?

These are things I've never admitted to anyone, given that not being affected at all by your grandmother's death isn't really something you tell other people, and I've only started to realize them about myself. It all makes me feel like $hit. It makes me feel like a complete monster. I've been really down on myself tonight feeling like someone who's broken and horrid. I feel like a selfish b*tch.

I KNOW FOR CERTAIN YOU ARE NOT ALONE..............EVERYTHING YOU HAVE LISTED IS BASICALLY ALL THE STUFF ABT MYSELF I HAVE KEPT HIDDEN FOR YEARS........

as much as I hate public speaking I crave the attention a public speaker gets, that ability to command attention to you and have ppl so intrigued by what u say and do..........I try so hard to have ppl notice me but at the same time the attention scares me...........in relationships ive been that exact way, always wanting to be adored, worshipped, taken care, all my needs and wants needed to be met, always me. me.me.............thank you for having the courage to put into words all my deepest darkest secrets and thoughts........readint your post felt like looking at my own reflection.....feels like im being Punk'd lol............I have always struggled to comfort ppl, to offer hugs easily, to cry over ppl I know who have passed on but whenever a relationship ends with a guy it felt like I couldnt go on, life lost meaning when they left, it was like the world was ending..........

my mother was hospitalized last year and seeing her in the hospital didnt even make me sad, I watched as my siblings cried and told her to hold on and get well soon and the whole time I was like, "thank God she ddnt die, and moving on to me, I feel this and that way abt this situation"..........ive fantasied many times about catching some really rare desease where i can still function but ppl always had to take care of me........I found myself envying this girl I met in hospital who was born epileptic, the whole time she was telling me how much she hated being different and having to always be looked after, I was thinking how that would be a dream come true for me.............i dont know why I have these thoughts and feelings and constantly crave to be checked on and taken care of but I do........I act like it irritates me when ppl do it but when Im alone and look back on the insident I feel somehow happy abt it........i get how you feel like a monster and selfish, i get those feeling too..........i dont know if it is associated with NPD or BPD......but U are NOT alone !!!!

When I was younger my older cousin died in a car accident at a very young age. My whole family was pretty upset I remember, crying, and I seem to remember thinking that I had a suspicion that they weren't even really upset for the person who died, so much as themselves. That's just an interesting thought, i'm not sure how I feel about that now that i'm older.

I'll say though that during deaths/loss in my growing up I didn't feel much of anything or probably shed a single tear, but in relationships or considering my own loneliess i've cried volumes, hysterically, and been driven to all the worst places in fear.

So there is that primal, selfish need to avoid abandonment (and dare I say even death?) and that seems to take priority over other things at certain points, and during darker times nothing seems to really matter except for that.


So here's a thought, just thinking about death - Death and loss are a natural process in life.

A really, really important thought is this -

If my lover were to die i'd be less traumatized than if they left me.
The worst part about any love and loss is about realizing "Holy $#%^, this love wasn't real".
It didn't last, you dove too deep, and they skimmed the surface maybe, maybe you missed eachother in the middle. But that's what hurts most to me.

At least death is a natural seperation, it's not personal.

So this is why I think relationships have a greater effect on me personally...:3


Basing a relationship on sex and problems seems like a recipe for disaster. It's more like two beggars meeting than two lovers. there's almost no love and no light? again, no sense of self identity, but more of a clawing, scraping, crawling ascent against one another to reach the top.

:{ that's just been my experience thus far.

I must be shadowing some pretty negative emotion I sense. what am I projecting?:s

I am so sorry about the loss of your grandmother, your worry over how you may feel about it and the judgement you received from your sister pertaining to your outward presentation of emotions towards it.

It's unfair for other to judge us on How we grieve, how we love, how we feel about loss. It's ok to perceive the loss of a lover as more emotionally damaging. Society places a great deal of importance on family, once we grow and move past our birth family, we are expected to grow up and build a family of our own to nurture. When we try, and our dreams are shattered, we are told it wasn't that important and we get judged by our reaction to the loss of something that may have signified more than people understand.

With all that said, I have to say the loss of friendships has been as devastating to me as the loss of relationships of a sexual and physical nature, just in different ways. I don't say this to exclaim "I'm better than you" just to clarify that we are all different and I don't expect others to be as I am, nor judge them when they are not.

I have listened to many people describe their feelings of love, loss and friendship. They are all varied, but equally valid. I don't think it's helpful to place stringent rules upon such matters. It's ok to hurt when you hurt and for the reasons why you hurt. You can be a good, valuable person who loves in their own way and grieves in their own way, without needing to be fixed for it.

The way you explain yourself, was once how I was told I am, by a malignant pwNPD. They projected their own shame upon me, made assumptions, and caused great harm. Not because I judged a person for being as you've described, but because of the great harm they intended via the accusations. They not only tried to feed me their shame, but they also told others "who I was" and people as so easily led. I really shouldn't delve too deep into all of that though, too painful and off topic since this is about your feelings.

ofNaturalthings, I once also felt it would have been easier if a lover died.for exactly the reason you stated. It wouldn't have been personal, and also because the person wouldn't have provided so much abuse, deception, scarring and deposited fear in me. Deep down, I know it's wrong to feel like they were better off dead, (how horrible that sounds) but I'm not going to be shamed of my feeling that way for a moment in time. I still love that person in a way, so to say its not real love isn't the case for all. I love them because I know they did all of the things they did because they were a hurt, damaged soul. I do not believe they did them malignantly. I might be wrong though.

The only lovers, friends, family I can say I do not miss, are the ones I have proof that they did malignant harm to me. And even in the case where they did, I still love them, it's just more complicated and mingled with hatred.

Moving on to the NpD questions, I'm not sure how to answer that. I don't feel that NPD, as it's often viewed is really all that bad. I love a person currently who has what would be considered this condition by technical standpoint. I only consider it horrible, if the person is malignant, more along lines of a psychopath who sets out to harm people. Do you want to be more understanding and less selfish? Most people can stand for a bit of that in their lives. Unless you are co-dependent, in which case, you need the opposite.

With all that said, you still sound incredible, and I admire your strength, courage, and convictions to help others. You have every right to be proud of it all.

I tend to over-empathise with the pain of others. Ic cannot bear to see or hear of someone else in pain .. I literally cannot tolerate it. But I am not sure if that constitutes general empathy, not sure if I have that.

Not to make light of a serious situation, but when you state you wanted to be the prettiest, most interesting, best lover a person had, I didn't see that as being wrong. It's best not to compare ourselves with others, but even the best people I've known have failed at that from time to time. I'd have been much more concerned had you said "I wanted to be the ugliest, least interesting and worst lover they every had".

TryingTosurvive45 wrote:Not to make light of a serious situation, but when you state you wanted to be the prettiest, most interesting, best lover a person had, I didn't see that as being wrong. It's best not to compare ourselves with others, but even the best people I've known have failed at that from time to time. I'd have been much more concerned had you said "I wanted to be the ugliest, least interesting and worst lover they every had".

I kind of gets morally murky when needing to be the best means needing to be worshipped. I want them to do anything for me. Take care of me and adore me. I want to be the center of someone's life because when I'm romantically entangled, that's what the other person becomes to me. Well...in the validation and affection way, not the actually caring about their feelings as much as mine way.

I think part of that also ties into the fear of abandonment. If I'm the best they've ever had, how could they leave me (hint: they do anyway)!? But it kind of goes beyond being valued or wanting to please a partner. I need to be everything they've ever wanted or desired in a lover. I once dated this man who was divorced with several children. We had had sex about 3 times and I wanted..hell needed...him to tell me that sex with me was the best sex he'd ever had. I got pretty pissy when he said one other time was better...with the woman he was married to for 15 years and the mother of his children. I mean how deluded was I to think that I could trump that after the third time we'd had sex? Jesus!

I feel like I talk a lot about myself, but that's how I can relate to other people's experiences... sometimes I can understand situations and circumstances better and relate better if I compare feelings rather than if I am told a story. Sometimes I can't put feelings into words but I can compare the reaction that feeling something brings to me. For a long time I thought I was self-centered for doing it, but in the end, it's more towards the fact I have absolutely no idea how to express myself in a clear way (I have gotten better though).

However when it comes to care about other people, I do care, and way more than I should. I was this kind of child/teenager that would literally care about every single person in my life, even those I disliked being around. It hurts like hell when you realize people don't care that much, if at all. So as a coping mechanism, I have a hard time letting people in (also working on that).

Regarding the grievance, I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. However I wonder if it is more like a coping mechanism as well. Not allowing to feel anything instead of not actually having feelings. But I am not the best person to talk about it, because I never lost anyone close to me.

I hear you about not wanting to think this way or desire to be the best. Look at your schooling, how far you've come. You are an achiever, I'm nothing like that but I admire it and find it respectable. Do you expect to be the best always? Do you accept with dignity you can't always be the best? Love relationships muddy the water of course and I just don't care that some don't see why. You see why don't you? It's a feeling! Feelings are ok. Why do you love someone? If you give me a list of reasons, I will be more scared than if you must say "because I do". Love isn't rational, like others try to assume, it's a feeling, Why must that be a bad thing. Seems like you need a small bit of balance, but for some, achieving is wonderful and will lead to great happiness. Example: be proud of school, of loving with completion to a partner. Some don't love at all! You are lucky.

You are here, so I reckon you are not happy and that is ok. Its ok to want to be better for yourself and kthers, I don't want to be the least in anything, but never expect to be the best either. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. If a person is with Me, they must like me for something right? I have moments where I feel different, but it's not a defining aspect to be the best. It's nice to be loved though, and while I don't expect that either, I'm grateful for it. Even if it doesn't last, and ven if I cry at the end,

I meant to respond to the suicide post we went back and forth on a bit and explain that all people are different and their needs different. I have BP1 (or dx'x with it at least) along with PTSD. I meet 5 criteria for BPD which effect my life. Maybe I don't belong here, but I usually find more relatability when reading BPD posts then when reading BP posts. BP posts are like "hey, take this med and if you have sexual problems, go to another place because that's just sexual addiction". BPD seems to discuss feelings a bit more, and I guess I relate to that. If I overstep my bounds here, please let me know. I don't know where I belong, but it must be somewhere.

Oxytocin is a love hormone/chemical. It's been shown to have great hope in treating mental illness of varying sorts. So while love doesn't = cure, it does equate effective treatment for some. But yet, we are told a doctor are the only way, because they are professionals and paid for such things, but a person with trust issues, paranoia, and problems with doctors, (such as myself, for good reason) might do better with friends who actually care.

What if you existed before the advent of computers, psych doctors who get paid to hear our problems. What would your prognosis be then?

I know that love, and finding the right person is seen as a cop out, and yes, it can't cure everything. Love cannot cure mental illness, doctors can't cure it, and drugs can't cure it......but why must we always look to paid professionals as an only answer. Might you just need the right friend, lover, family member? Why must it be the right doctor or medicine to cure this disease-dis-ease?

I am kind of the opposite of you, empathy wise, as I pretty much tear up when watching kittens play, or hearing someone's sob story, etc. I am a bleeding heart, plain and simple. I possess a conscience so strong that I cannot even lie without feeling awful. I care so much for other people that my self worth depends on them, how they treat me, and so on.

Others may view me as weak, but I really have a big heart and I hate it, because I always get hurt. And it's amazing, because even though I get hurt a lot, I still maintain this innocent quality. I don't know.

One thing I can relate to you, though is that when it comes to my partner I do feel the need to be adored.