HELP! Non-BPD; Need help deciding what to do about marriage

I really need some sane advice. I am married to a woman who I suspect is BPD with elements of histrionic personality disorder, as well. She has not been diagnosed as such, although she has received previous tentative diagnoses of bipolar, depression, anxiety and presently treating with antidepressants. She is adamantly opposed to concept of being BPD. She certainly is not as extreme as some examples I have read about here on forums, but her reactions and behavior are clearly not normal nor healthy, and (I think, anyway) certainly follow BPD-HPD patterns.

I don't know how much detail to go into, but some facts would be helpful, I imagine. Mind you, I am not paragon of mental health myself (bipolar, type 2--successfully being treated for last 8 months; recovering alcoholic--17+ yrs. sobriety; likely food addict--still struggling), but what I am struggling with most at the moment is my relationship with my wife. Married 12+ years. Two wonderful children: 11 and 8. Stormy relationship between wife and me for about a decade—about the time first-born arrived.

Intense idealization of me, followed by intense devaluation. She sees people and things commonly in black or white—all good or all bad. Last few years have been pretty hellish. She is often verbally and emotionally abusive: calling me the most vile names and in the most demeaning terms. Has occassionally also been physically abusive. Last episode right before last Christmas finally sent me over edge into nervous breakdown and brief hospitalization. She never called me, initially didn't want me to come home, and has never shown any concern for my condition or her behavior. Can't seem to see her individual identity--always sees herself as a unit with the kids--has consistently used the kids against me (admitted it once, then denied it later).

Things have certainly come to a head, and although I finally got her to agree to marital counseling, she seems to be balking at continuing. I think it is because counselor has not immediately focused on me as the "problem." She has always seemed to me be afraid of being "found out" and has consistently accused me of being the active addict and "out of control."

Although I still love her (despite all of the above and more, she has wonderful qualities, as well), I am tremendously resentful of her treatment of me, and I'm not sure why I'm still there but for the kids. This will be emotionally and financially devastating for all if we divorce, or even separate.

I just don't know what to do and feeling a bit lost....Any sane advice/discussion would be appreciated. Although I am angry, frustrated, and resentful, I'm not looking for "get-even." Trying to figure out if this is worth salvaging or should I cut my losses and move on with my life. Getting difficult to function with so much turmoil.

"Although I still love her (despite all of the above and more, she has wonderful qualities, as well), I am tremendously resentful of her treatment of me, and I'm not sure why I'm still there but for the kids. This will be emotionally and financially devastating for all if we divorce, or even separate."

Well it will be better than dying a little bit each day as she destroys your soul my friend.

At least the devastation of a divorce financially speaking is something you can recover from and even with all the pain of losing the marriage to eachother I do believe it will be the only way you can ever fully heal.

I mean since she's not taking treatment very seriously this whole situation looks lost already I'm sorry to say.

"I just don't know what to do and feeling a bit lost....Any sane advice/discussion would be appreciated. Although I am angry, frustrated, and resentful, I'm not looking for "get-even." Trying to figure out if this is worth salvaging or should I cut my losses and move on with my life. Getting difficult to function with so much turmoil."

Well again the relationship seems to be destroying you moreso than building you up which a healthy relationship would do for you both.

In anycase after what you've put in I know it will definitely not be easy to just end it but yeah without her seeking out some serious treatment for BPD or whatever it is exactly she's got then its just doomed to failure.

In closing the book Tears and Healing is excellent in helping someone move on from the emotional wreckage that comes with being involved with an untreated severe BPD.

Even if you don't decide to buy it I highly suggest you sign up for the email excerpts advertised on the site.

They run for a full page of text and are quite helpful.

http://tearsandhealing.com/

Yes, I agree with the moderator...you also, mentioned that you have Bi-polar 2 disorder...that is my diagnosis as well...
I had to let go of a friend of mine who has BPD, I originally dated
and lived with her, for a short period and when the rage attacks came, I threw her out...then after a few months, I befriended
her and still found her on a Platonic level, very, very draining..
I had to "let her go"...
I did for my own sanity!...I found that, i was getting very depressed around this individual and the verbal abuse and yelling is just "to much" for my "disability" and health...You come first, you have a very serious condition, to contend with...It is like throwing gasoline on the fire, being involved with someone, who is showing such strong symptoms of BPD...I am not surprised that, you have had a major relapse..Please consider "you" here, what is best for you, take the "hit" of separation..you will recover from it and move on..I did...and finally...Past behavior is a very good way, to predict future behavior...I understand you and hope the best for you!!!!..
God Bless and please think of "your health"...