Back In Love w/Narcissist (TW)

Life has changed for me a lot since I last logged on. I finally found the strength to file for divorce last month and it felt liberating. I also joined a gym and so far I've lost 44 pounds already. I'm talking back with my ex (the narcissist; see my previous threads) who's girlfriend broke up with him the last week in September because he can't/won't find a job. Honestly I'm not surprised by this at all. She wasn't the right one for him.

So he and I have been hanging out at least once a week since he asked me to be his girlfriend in person the day after I filed the divorce papers. Everything is slowed to a crawl which is exactly what I want because of our turbulent history I want us to have the best chance possible and seeing each other daily is going to turn toxic.

He has displayed some N traits already. He goes into these moods and has days long insomnia. I knew what I was signing up for. As I've said before he and I slept together last year while I was still living with my husband. The N professed his love for me up until April 2013 until he got serious with his now ex girlfriend.

Since we've been dating my now boyfriend (yes, I'm still legally married however I haven't lived with my husband in over two months now) hasn't said that he's in love with me. He says he's waiting to see if I'll flip out (I haven't) and maybe in due time he can love me the same way I love him. I tell him I love him everyday. We text and talk every single day. In the beginning he told me how much his grandma means to him and when he told her we're dating again she told him to back off. He didn't talk to me for a day while he thought about it. When we talked again he said he wants to be with me for sure. So here we are.

I just want to know how to slow it down and not get so anxious about this new relationship. I've been on my Celexa daily since August and it greatly helps me control my rage and impulsiveness from the BPD, but I don't know how to go with the flow. How come he told me he loves me earlier this year and now he won't? Besides him I'm in school and I have a job interview coming up on Thursday.

I don't know if there is an easy answer for how to slow it down for a borderline. We simply don't know how to because we crave to be loved and we fall into the trap of idealization over a person and relationships which is what I think you've fallen into. I think for starters you should realize that most likely you are idealizing this situation and keep reminding yourself it's only been a little over a month. I guess other than that keep doing what you're doing by limiting the time you're around him, txt and go slow, and ask yourself if you really want to be in this relationship because....

1. September - His gf breaks up with him. You file for divorce. He asks you to be his gf the next day.

2. He can't / won't find a job.

3. you slept with him last year while you were still married. he says that he loves you UNTIL he got serious with his now ex gf. so you cheated on your husband and in a way your now bf cheated on you. He stopped telling you that he loved you to be with his now ex gf.

4. He doesn't say that he loves you, because he doesn't.... at least not at the present. last year he probably did but the relationship was just as dysfunctional then as it is now and that relationship ended. He moved on with his now ex and you were the one that pursued contact with him by getting his phone number from a friend. He is now aware of your past history and the dysfunction and for him it's a wait and see game before he gets too emotionally invested. You admit to having a turbulent past with him. So my guess is he's hoping for the best, but well aware of the past.

I wish you well, but this is going to be a long uphill battle for the both of you.

Something about this guy draws him back to you but honestly I don't see it as a good thing. It's going to be a rough road and my senses are telling me that it's a road to nowhere. I am sorry. I know what it is like to go back to an ex. I have thought about it from time to time but they dont change. It's not worth it especially with someone who wont work.