Would you rather wallow?

For the past month or so, I've been dealing with more sh*t on my plate than usual. Emotionally, I have not been doing well... lack of sleep, increased flashbacks and nightmares, vivid daydreams, intense feelings of self harm and thoughts of suicide... all that and more. Yesterday, I actually felt pretty good for the first time in a while. I had been listening to music, which can be very therapeutic for me at times, and so I was in an upbeat and social mood. Then my parents came over to help with some repairs on the kitchen. One of the first things my mother said (as she got tears in her eyes) was, "I have noticed SUCH a difference in you lately, especially over the past month!" And she gave me this overly emotional hug. At first I didn't feel much of an emotional reaction but after they left, I realized that it made me very angry. I don't really understand why, except that maybe it was just another incident of her choosing to be oblivious to the truth and making things seem better than they are. Then I suddenly felt this deep emptiness and longing for being healthy but knowing that it was just for a part of one day that I felt good. How could she have seen it as so much more, and why did she make such a big deal about it? I'm afraid I will never have true, lasting happiness. When someone says, "You look so much better!" or, "Wow, you must be doing great!" it just makes me fall back down. It's almost as if I want to scream, "NO! I'M NOT OKAY!" and show them the opposite right in that moment so they can see the pain I live with every day. Why don't I want anyone to think I am happy? I put on a show all the time so that they think I am doing fine, but when they comment on it, it's not okay. And, for those rare moments when I truly feel uninhibited in my happiness, when there's no cloud to shadow my good feelings, it's like people can bring it crashing down with their verbalized observations.

Can anyone relate to this?

NeedyPants wrote:For the past month or so, I've been dealing with more sh*t on my plate than usual. Emotionally, I have not been doing well... lack of sleep, increased flashbacks and nightmares, vivid daydreams, intense feelings of self harm and thoughts of suicide... all that and more. Yesterday, I actually felt pretty good for the first time in a while. I had been listening to music, which can be very therapeutic for me at times, and so I was in an upbeat and social mood. Then my parents came over to help with some repairs on the kitchen. One of the first things my mother said (as she got tears in her eyes) was, "I have noticed SUCH a difference in you lately, especially over the past month!" And she gave me this overly emotional hug. At first I didn't feel much of an emotional reaction but after they left, I realized that it made me very angry. I don't really understand why, except that maybe it was just another incident of her choosing to be oblivious to the truth and making things seem better than they are. Then I suddenly felt this deep emptiness and longing for being healthy but knowing that it was just for a part of one day that I felt good. How could she have seen it as so much more, and why did she make such a big deal about it? I'm afraid I will never have true, lasting happiness. When someone says, "You look so much better!" or, "Wow, you must be doing great!" it just makes me fall back down. It's almost as if I want to scream, "NO! I'M NOT OKAY!" and show them the opposite right in that moment so they can see the pain I live with every day. Why don't I want anyone to think I am happy? I put on a show all the time so that they think I am doing fine, but when they comment on it, it's not okay. And, for those rare moments when I truly feel uninhibited in my happiness, when there's no cloud to shadow my good feelings, it's like people can bring it crashing down with their verbalized observations.

Can anyone relate to this?

I can relate to the stuff you said about people saying you look like you're doing better.. Either I am pretending to be better and putting on a "smile and a show", but I think that is so that people don't ask me how I am, because why bother explaining to them how I feel when I know they wont understand it anyway.. Or else I am actually having a good day and the fact that they point out that I seem happy is upsetting to me, because then they think that it's like that everyday, that now I am fine - no more worries or fears etc..

NeedyPants wrote:I had been listening to music, which can be very therapeutic for me at times, and so I was in an upbeat and social mood. Then my parents came over to help with some repairs on the kitchen. One of the first things my mother said (as she got tears in her eyes) was, "I have noticed SUCH a difference in you lately, especially over the past month!" And she gave me this overly emotional hug. At first I didn't feel much of an emotional reaction but after they left, I realized that it made me very angry. I don't really understand why, except that maybe it was just another incident of her choosing to be oblivious to the truth and making things seem better than they are. Then I suddenly felt this deep emptiness and longing for being healthy but knowing that it was just for a part of one day that I felt good. How could she have seen it as so much more, and why did she make such a big deal about it? I'm afraid I will never have true, lasting happiness. When someone says, "You look so much better!" or, "Wow, you must be doing great!" it just makes me fall back down. It's almost as if I want to scream, "NO! I'M NOT OKAY!" and show them the opposite right in that moment so they can see the pain I live with every day. Why don't I want anyone to think I am happy? I put on a show all the time so that they think I am doing fine, but when they comment on it, it's not okay. And, for those rare moments when I truly feel uninhibited in my happiness, when there's no cloud to shadow my good feelings, it's like people can bring it crashing down with their verbalized observations.

Can anyone relate to this?

I can relate to this so much! especially the parts I underlined. I have felt that way pretty much verbatim as you've described it. I'm not getting from this that you enjoy wallowing. what I'm getting is that you tend to feel a lot of pressure from external sources (and possibly internally?) when you start to feel a bit better...like oh no, what if I can't keep this up? and also that you feel invalidated by your mother's comments, which is understandable, because your problems are very serious to you and (I'm assuming) have been affecting you for a while, and she sees you on one good day and thinks it's all better. yeah, that's definitely frustrating. I've experienced the same thing from my parents...minimizing my problems in that way. I try to chalk it up to a combination of wishful thinking and ignorance on their part, not that they are deliberately trying to be hurtful. but yes, it still can be very hurtful regardless.

Thanks to both of you for your replies. Bateman, what you said to clear things up makes a lot more sense. I have a major tendency to blame myself for everything and yet it's true that I would much rather NOT wallow... I just had to assume that must have been the case. What you said makes more sense though!

Yes. People think that this shows caring. I know. I appreciate the sentiments behind such things but boy howdy does stuff like this get on my nerves.

I think that stuff like this shows just how judgemental our society is, like we are all supposed to always be like Pollyanna or something.

I have an acquaintence who does stuff like this...One Sunday I was dressed up and the acqu. made a huge deal out of how I looked. "OMG you LOOK SO PRETTY!" It made me feel like I was ugly up until this time. And then, if you lose weight people have to make a big deal over that as well. Then, of course, with mental health, peopel always think that it is good to say "Wow! You've improved in x, y and z" and you are just like "I've always been the same person."

The person, the acqu. I have not been around much as of late for this behavior that she shows, this "Ohhhhhhh look at how well this or that......" because I feel so JUDGED.

IT isn't that we wallow, it is that we have this huge cross to bear and I DARE those nons to even VENTURE as to how we survive what we have. They have NO idea.

So, yes, I do so know what you are speaking of. I empathize, I sympathize and I "angra-thize" with you as well.

As the British say "They can sod off!"

-- Fri Nov 08, 2013 8:19 pm --

I guess, in a way, this is sort of like patronizing. It devalues the individual because it says "You don't do better until I notice you do" type thing.

I guess you could just politely say "Thank you that you have noticed, but I would like to be appreciated for the person I have always been inside; there is no reason to make a big deal of this."

Just like if the judgemental lady from church ever does that OOOOOOOOH LA LA again, I will say, "You know, I am the same person inside. I appreciate the sentiment, but I really feel that we should not make a big deal of it, it makes me feel like before, I was not good enough."

This is an awesome thread. You've got me to thinking.

Awesome!

Cate68 wrote:Yes. People think that this shows caring. I know. I appreciate the sentiments behind such things but boy howdy does stuff like this get on my nerves.

I think that stuff like this shows just how judgemental our society is, like we are all supposed to always be like Pollyanna or something.

I have an acquaintence who does stuff like this...One Sunday I was dressed up and the acqu. made a huge deal out of how I looked. "OMG you LOOK SO PRETTY!" It made me feel like I was ugly up until this time. And then, if you lose weight people have to make a big deal over that as well. Then, of course, with mental health, peopel always think that it is good to say "Wow! You've improved in x, y and z" and you are just like "I've always been the same person."

The person, the acqu. I have not been around much as of late for this behavior that she shows, this "Ohhhhhhh look at how well this or that......" because I feel so JUDGED.

IT isn't that we wallow, it is that we have this huge cross to bear and I DARE those nons to even VENTURE as to how we survive what we have. They have NO idea.

So, yes, I do so know what you are speaking of. I empathize, I sympathize and I "angra-thize" with you as well.

As the British say "They can sod off!"

-- Fri Nov 08, 2013 8:19 pm --

I guess, in a way, this is sort of like patronizing. It devalues the individual because it says "You don't do better until I notice you do" type thing.

I guess you could just politely say "Thank you that you have noticed, but I would like to be appreciated for the person I have always been inside; there is no reason to make a big deal of this."

Just like if the judgemental lady from church ever does that OOOOOOOOH LA LA again, I will say, "You know, I am the same person inside. I appreciate the sentiment, but I really feel that we should not make a big deal of it, it makes me feel like before, I was not good enough."

This is an awesome thread. You've got me to thinking.

Awesome!

Wow you're absolutely right in how you see that. Thanks to you as well for helping me realize I am not just swimming in my own pool of tears!!

Not a problem, I love this forum!

My sister is the "Southern Belle" and she's like "Just smile and nod" but I can't do that.

LOL!

I agree with the things that you say, I also though have come to the realisation that for me at least it hurts when they say those things and I'm not any better because it means that they aren't seeing through the mask I use every day and as my family/best friends I guess I kind of expect them to be able to see through it and if they can't then it's an indication that they aren't bothered enough about me to look hard enough to see through the mask, even though my logical side just points out that actually all it means is that I've grown a darn good mask.