Supposedly imaginary illness, venting..

I've been reading this forum for a long time, sometimes when I've had my downs I've felt like posting on here.. but I've somehow just managed to go on by myself. Now I feel that I can't anymore.. so this might be long, I need to vent a little..

I have visited psychologists/psychiatrists, but I have never been able to open up to them enough so they said I shouldn't go there just to be silent all the time and had me decide if wanted to continue - meaning I'd have needed to open up. Couldn't force myself into it.
Lately I've felt really alone, I don't know who to turn to because it seems most of my friends just don't seem to care.. and even if someone does care enough to listen, I feel they can't understand. I've tried explaining myself to some friends who I trust, but I never actually get the answers I've needed, so I stopped doing that long time ago. Currently I have a boyfriend, who.. well.. is the reason I'm hysterically shaking and crying right now but I'll try to make this understandable even though I don't like writing things out of my mind in any public place. Right now I just feel so alone.. and I feel I need help of some sort. Even a listener who actually understands..

This is probably how many begin their story about their problems, but yeah.. I have a boyfriend who suffers from heart problems, many times he tells me to google 'cardiac rhythm' when I seem to "forget" about the pain he needs to go through. Worst is that he gets heartache through high emotional pain. It's problematic at times when I get really off track and out of my rage manage to say things that hurt him majorly - gladly this doesn't happen too often though, he can handle a bunch of emotional pain before it does..
Anyway, especially lately we have had a lot of fights causing us more and more trouble. In the beginning when I started to pick random fights out of nowhere he remained very calm which eventually calmed me too but for several months now he's had this habit to argue back with me. During my own anger I say things very recklessly, I have found myself being "leaving you" and the next moment "love you", I react strongly if he even hints he thinks I might be better on my own and so on. He has started saying hurtful things recklessly as well when he gets mad, such as calling me selfish, too proud to say sorry, not caring, etc. I take things like that very deeply (because they're all traits that I disrespect anyone having, I can't stand myself being like that) and I can't forget them afterwards even if he tries to convince me he said them out of anger after he's calmed down - which even happens way faster than in my case.. He might start demanding a sorry when I still have a very unstable, unsettled mind saying I never say sorry for what I've said. I would eventually say sorry, but it becomes even harder to actually mean it when you're being demanded to say it.

Now he says he's very unsure of asking anything from me or even saying anything, because anything can trigger me to bursting out to anger. Fairly true, I haven't been at my best and even a disappointed tone when he speaks turns me down more thinking he's probably upset about me not being good enough.. The worst thing during our fights is when he suddenly starts comparing me to himself; how my pain is nothing compared to his heartaches because at least his pain is real and mine is just emotional, how at least he tries to help me when I do nothing for him (like just now he pointed out I caused his current heartache so I froze out, how can I help it stop if I'm the cause of it, he says I just refuse to help/comfort him because I don't want - I'll get back to this later on this text..), how it's always him who says sorry first, how he cares and how I don't. Etc etc.. Making me feel utterly useless, even suicidal for hating myself due to being such a bad person.
I've tried to tell him when our fights are about to begin and I'm still in some control of myself, that he should just be silent because I already know where it's leading. I might've said it in a mean way but it has never worked out. He doesn't listen so we get into a fight. Even during the fights I might yell at him to shut up when I get overboard, and when he doesn't listen I leave myself. He does his everything to contact me though; texts multiple times, tries to call, even contacts my parents and friends if they could reach me somehow, has also tried to threaten me that he'll hurt himself if I don't get back so I've been shaken up and returned in fears that I'm going to lose him. He's afraid of me hurting myself in such state of mind, that's why he can't just entirely let me be and calm down on my own.

Originally I am very negative towards self-harm. I don't smoke or drink, I have never even tried and hopefully never will. I can easily reply no if someone offers those to me. I don't support anyone doing self-harm. Being so negative about it is probably the reason I'm still breathing.
When I get turn down enough I begin to feel suicidal myself. Not a week, sometimes not even a day, without something passing my mind but I manage to ignore most of it. I have a couple cuts done in my arm when I've just lost the fight with myself about not doing anything, it's like two different minds arguing over it should I or shouldn't I do anything.. sometimes I'm just about to do something stupid, but a worried glance from the most important creature in my life, my dog, saves the moment. But even she won't live forever to stop me if it gets any worse.

Well, my boyfriend is probably right.. And I am probably hurting him a bunch. I don't even know why is he with me, why would he love someone who hurts him so much and only tries to argue with him. I've read through other people's stories on this forum and realized I'm doing to him the same that many other BPDs are doing to their own partners.
He knows about my BPD, but he has also told he was raised to not believe in mental illnesses. That's why I have been rather unable to actually seek support from him, seeing he might not actually understand me. Last days I've felt so hopeless that I actually had to try now, seeing he's the most important person to me no matter our fights or the things he's said to me. I tried to trust that he'll understand.

I guess I was wrong and this is actually why I'm shattered and crying right now. I feel even more hopeless and I have no idea what am I gonna do.
Let me actually even quote him, because I can't find words to describe it myself: "bpd is belief of the person thinking they are bad etc causing the symptoms of betrayed, hurting yourself and getting out of control which are caused by negative beliefs".
Due to him, for example, I decide myself randomly when is the correct time for anger because I have a belief I have to do so and he started asking why do I keep doing it. Due to him the whole BPD is a delusional belief, not a mental illness, that people only think they have - and no doctor would tell this to a BPD person because they won't believe the reality and take it well (just like I am not).
Then he brought up his own past, I have to mention now that he's from a hispanic family if that actually matters at all. Just like I have been bullied at school, he was too. Quoting him again "there is no time for mental illness unless its a visible one like tumor or something else", he says he understands bullying etc what I've gone through too (which I haven't even mentioned in ages?) but he "was never introduced to this mental illness world because he was too busy dealing with life matters and getting through it", and he would just get beaten up if he had shown anything towards mental illnesses - in his words smacked into reality if something would've seemed 'wrong'.
Just as a side-note on top of other feelings I also felt offended for basically blaming my parents for raising me wrongly.
Then. I'm so speechless about this. He says BPD is mainly for young adults and kids, so I'll grow out of it. I admit we're both quite young, I am 22. He lightly says, repeatedly, that I'll grow out of it. "Just like kids grow out of imaginary friends". He says there will be a time when my life is so busy that I forget about any mental disorders because I won't have time to think about them. He says he can't support me because I keep making up my own stories, such as thinking he has said something that he hasn't. He's basically telling me to get my head straight and he doesn't care of my mind's state, but because he didn't literally say that, it's what I shouldn't understand from what he said. Then what am I supposed to understand, being told I'm basically stupid believing in something that doesn't supposedly even exist by the most important person in my life..? And I even have a horrible understanding of words due to him. Probably if he read this thread he would say that I made things up like I do 'all the time'.

After all that he had said about BPD being an useless belief, he came up with this "maybe you can see how much I try to help and suffer helping, I love you". I obviously wasn't able to tell him love you back in that situation so I hurted him and no matter what I said he kept repeating I'm really hurting him more and more. He even said the things he said that supposedly hurt me (about my bpd) were made by me, that there's nothing for real and in his case I was really saying things that actually did hurt him (such as kept asking him to leave because I couldn't listen to that anymore). Then he compared again, how my pain is not even real but his is.
Then he expected me to support him in his pain. Give him comfort and love. He's said before that no matter my own situation if I care enough I would comfort him and that sentence is still haunting in my head, but now I just couldn't. Once again being the cause of his heartache, being turned down, I couldn't. And now I feel horrible because I don't seem to care enough about him to even help him, just as he keeps saying..

And now that he's totally made clear he's not the one to seek support from (apparently stating this fact aloud also hurted him), I feel more lost than I've felt in years. Once again I really don't know why is he with me, and I've thought many times that I should just be the one to break up and release him from the pain he needs to go through with me (that he so often reminds me about) but I'm too strongly attached to him that I can't and if he's gone there's just no one left.

Well I am sorry for troubling you all with this.. I just needed to vent somewhere and as alone as I am I had no other place for now. Sorry it was a long text too..

Unspoken wrote:I've been reading this forum for a long time, sometimes when I've had my downs I've felt like posting on here.. but I've somehow just managed to go on by myself. Now I feel that I can't anymore.. so this might be long, I need to vent a little..

welcome! i started the same way and a year later, i'm a mod and we are hear to lend an ear, kleenex, e-hugs, whatever we can do to help.

I have visited psychologists/psychiatrists, but I have never been able to open up to them enough so they said I shouldn't go there just to be silent all the time and had me decide if wanted to continue - meaning I'd have needed to open up. Couldn't force myself into it.

also understandable. it's difficult to develop a connection with someone, much less someone you're basically paying to judge you. it's hard enough having to deal with the thoughts of others but our paranoia and mistrust causes trauma. do you think you do better online than f2f? there are Ts & Ps that will do sessions online.

Lately I've felt really alone, I don't know who to turn to because it seems most of my friends just don't seem to care.. and even if someone does care enough to listen, I feel they can't understand. I've tried explaining myself to some friends who I trust, but I never actually get the answers I've needed, so I stopped doing that long time ago.

it's easy to think that your friends might not care because it's in our nature to feel that way. have you ever had anyone turn their backs on you or do you think it's more of a fear of abandonment? most of what we have is perceived rather than real. also, have you ever connected with others that are dx'd bpd? maybe in a meetup group? it's easier to form bonds with like minded peers.

Currently I have a boyfriend, who.. well.. is the reason I'm hysterically shaking and crying right now but I'll try to make this understandable even though I don't like writing things out of my mind in any public place. Right now I just feel so alone.. and I feel I need help of some sort. Even a listener who actually understands..

This is probably how many begin their story about their problems, but yeah.. I have a boyfriend who suffers from heart problems, many times he tells me to google 'cardiac rhythm' when I seem to "forget" about the pain he needs to go through. Worst is that he gets heartache through high emotional pain. It's problematic at times when I get really off track and out of my rage manage to say things that hurt him majorly - gladly this doesn't happen too often though, he can handle a bunch of emotional pain before it does..

Anyway, especially lately we have had a lot of fights causing us more and more trouble. In the beginning when I started to pick random fights out of nowhere he remained very calm which eventually calmed me too but for several months now he's had this habit to argue back with me. During my own anger I say things very recklessly, I have found myself being "leaving you" and the next moment "love you", I react strongly if he even hints he thinks I might be better on my own and so on. He has started saying hurtful things recklessly as well when he gets mad, such as calling me selfish, too proud to say sorry, not caring, etc. I take things like that very deeply (because they're all traits that I disrespect anyone having, I can't stand myself being like that) and I can't forget them afterwards even if he tries to convince me he said them out of anger after he's calmed down - which even happens way faster than in my case.. He might start demanding a sorry when I still have a very unstable, unsettled mind saying I never say sorry for what I've said. I would eventually say sorry, but it becomes even harder to actually mean it when you're being demanded to say it.

have you given him any reading material on bpd? walking on eggshells seems to be a good beginner for a partner or family member. for you, maybe some dbt skills like mindfulness might help with your coping techniques.

Now he says he's very unsure of asking anything from me or even saying anything, because anything can trigger me to bursting out to anger. Fairly true, I haven't been at my best and even a disappointed tone when he speaks turns me down more thinking he's probably upset about me not being good enough.. The worst thing during our fights is when he suddenly starts comparing me to himself; how my pain is nothing compared to his heartaches because at least his pain is real and mine is just emotional, how at least he tries to help me when I do nothing for him (like just now he pointed out I caused his current heartache so I froze out, how can I help it stop if I'm the cause of it, he says I just refuse to help/comfort him because I don't want - I'll get back to this later on this text..), how it's always him who says sorry first, how he cares and how I don't. Etc etc.. Making me feel utterly useless, even suicidal for hating myself due to being such a bad person.
I've tried to tell him when our fights are about to begin and I'm still in some control of myself, that he should just be silent because I already know where it's leading. I might've said it in a mean way but it has never worked out. He doesn't listen so we get into a fight. Even during the fights I might yell at him to shut up when I get overboard, and when he doesn't listen I leave myself. He does his everything to contact me though; texts multiple times, tries to call, even contacts my parents and friends if they could reach me somehow, has also tried to threaten me that he'll hurt himself if I don't get back so I've been shaken up and returned in fears that I'm going to lose him. He's afraid of me hurting myself in such state of mind, that's why he can't just entirely let me be and calm down on my own.

you know in your heart he loves you, now is the 'work' process of establishing boundaries and healthy coping techniques when you're triggered or triggering one another. you know what doesn't work, now you're going to have to initiate things that DO work. rather than walking away from one another, why not just go to another room? but leave the door open to show that you need your space but you're not shutting one another out. you should never 'talk' during escalated times. it will only lead to more pain and saying things you don't mean.

Originally I am very negative towards self-harm. I don't smoke or drink, I have never even tried and hopefully never will. I can easily reply no if someone offers those to me. I don't support anyone doing self-harm. Being so negative about it is probably the reason I'm still breathing.
When I get turn down enough I begin to feel suicidal myself. Not a week, sometimes not even a day, without something passing my mind but I manage to ignore most of it. I have a couple cuts done in my arm when I've just lost the fight with myself about not doing anything, it's like two different minds arguing over it should I or shouldn't I do anything.. sometimes I'm just about to do something stupid, but a worried glance from the most important creature in my life, my dog, saves the moment. But even she won't live forever to stop me if it gets any worse.

please please look into mindfulness...i really think it will help when you get in these types of moments

Well, my boyfriend is probably right.. And I am probably hurting him a bunch. I don't even know why is he with me, why would he love someone who hurts him so much and only tries to argue with him. I've read through other people's stories on this forum and realized I'm doing to him the same that many other BPDs are doing to their own partners.
He knows about my BPD, but he has also told he was raised to not believe in mental illnesses. That's why I have been rather unable to actually seek support from him, seeing he might not actually understand me. Last days I've felt so hopeless that I actually had to try now, seeing he's the most important person to me no matter our fights or the things he's said to me. I tried to trust that he'll understand.

don't let your bpd take over your mindset. sometimes you have to put yourself aside and say is that me talking or my bpd?

I'm so speechless about this. He says BPD is mainly for young adults and kids, so I'll grow out of it. I admit we're both quite young, I am 22. He lightly says, repeatedly, that I'll grow out of it. "Just like kids grow out of imaginary friends". He says there will be a time when my life is so busy that I forget about any mental disorders because I won't have time to think about them. He says he can't support me because I keep making up my own stories, such as thinking he has said something that he hasn't. He's basically telling me to get my head straight and he doesn't care of my mind's state, but because he didn't literally say that, it's what I shouldn't understand from what he said. Then what am I supposed to understand, being told I'm basically stupid believing in something that doesn't supposedly even exist by the most important person in my life..? And I even have a horrible understanding of words due to him. Probably if he read this thread he would say that I made things up like I do 'all the time'.

After all that he had said about BPD being an useless belief, he came up with this "maybe you can see how much I try to help and suffer helping, I love you". I obviously wasn't able to tell him love you back in that situation so I hurted him and no matter what I said he kept repeating I'm really hurting him more and more. He even said the things he said that supposedly hurt me (about my bpd) were made by me, that there's nothing for real and in his case I was really saying things that actually did hurt him (such as kept asking him to leave because I couldn't listen to that anymore). Then he compared again, how my pain is not even real but his is.
Then he expected me to support him in his pain. Give him comfort and love. He's said before that no matter my own situation if I care enough I would comfort him and that sentence is still haunting in my head, but now I just couldn't. Once again being the cause of his heartache, being turned down, I couldn't. And now I feel horrible because I don't seem to care enough about him to even help him, just as he keeps saying..

And now that he's totally made clear he's not the one to seek support from (apparently stating this fact aloud also hurted him), I feel more lost than I've felt in years. Once again I really don't know why is he with me, and I've thought many times that I should just be the one to break up and release him from the pain he needs to go through with me (that he so often reminds me about) but I'm too strongly attached to him that I can't and if he's gone there's just no one left.

this just enforces getting him some literature! if he CARES enough he WILL read and maybe then you'll feel like you're both doing something equally for one another.

Well I am sorry for troubling you all with this.. I just needed to vent somewhere and as alone as I am I had no other place for now. Sorry it was a long text too..

don't you worry about that! your feelings are valid and you need to be heard. what are your thoughts now?

Thank you for taking the time to read and even reply..
Also I'm sorry I write A LOT.. it's just something that I do when I try to explain things.

also understandable. it's difficult to develop a connection with someone, much less someone you're basically paying to judge you. it's hard enough having to deal with the thoughts of others but our paranoia and mistrust causes trauma. do you think you do better online than f2f? there are Ts & Ps that will do sessions online.

I do a lot better online than f2f, I can't relax at all f2f with people like doctors. Sometimes I find it difficult even with my family members, as BPD isn't the only problem of mine. I've suffered from panic disorder for years as well that occurs mostly in social situations or when I see huge amounts of blood (experienced an attack just by watching a little bloody movie..). Few years back it was very difficult for me to even visit market to do my groceries alone, I was shaking all over even with my meds that I was taking. Because of this issue I also got my school cancelled (doctor/psychiatrist did that) and I don't have a proper job at the moment. I take care of dogs and train them, either at home or at a local kennel, because with animals I feel all comfortable. People whose dogs I've taken care of just tell their friends that I always welcome new dogs in if their owners are going on a vacation etc so I manage to keep myself busy like that and I also get to meet new people occasionally to work on my panic problem (has helped a lot during the years!). They pay me too but it's not official.
Even calling someone via phone is a horrible experience and I currently have three undone calls I need to do asap.. Strangely with my boyfriend I've never had the panic problem, instead his presence is like a safe spot for me.
I don't think in my country they do sessions online.. or they've never told me about that. I'd have to search for that abroad and it might become hard to manage.. I remember telling them I can't do it f2f with them so they just asked me to write my thoughts down at home and bring them the paper to read but I couldn't do that either because I knew they would just try to discuss it through and I am not able to talk about it at all with them.

it's easy to think that your friends might not care because it's in our nature to feel that way. have you ever had anyone turn their backs on you or do you think it's more of a fear of abandonment? most of what we have is perceived rather than real. also, have you ever connected with others that are dx'd bpd? maybe in a meetup group? it's easier to form bonds with like minded peers.

I used to have this one person in my life who I was able to tell about everything, I could consider her as my best friend at that time. Ever since she got into a relationship around two years ago she became so busy that we've barely talked since then, and even if we do she's mostly telling happily something about her own life so I don't want to ruin her good mood with my problems. In the beginning I tried messaging her once in a while but I often got ignored and she replied only when she sometimes felt like it. Last month she told me about her plan of moving out of the country with her boyfriend, they had it all planned..
Then there was this one so-called friend who acted all sweet in the beginning, she got me to feel safe and in return I trusted her and told her about my weaknesses only to be hurt later on. She knew exactly what would turn me down and used that against me. The next day she acted like nothing had happened, and then the same cycle repeated itself.. not sure if she also suffers from some sort of a mental problem, we haven't been in contact.
I've kinda become unsure of trusting anyone that much again so I won't be left alone again like that.. but at the same time I remain feeling lonely or even abandoned. This is also making it very hard for me to trust my boyfriend properly especially at times like these when he only keeps pointing out everything that I do wrong. I've done my best building up trust on him despite my fear of him abandoning me at some point, it's hard for me and he also knows this.

Also I have never had the chance to have a conversation with other BPD person.. this forum is my first experience. Secretly I've hoped that one of the people I've got to know through dogs or something else would have BPD so I'd have someone to talk to who understands what's going through my mind but there's been just no one.. also leads to why I finally chose writing on this forum..
They suggested me to have a group therapy where different people would just meet up and do something they feel comfortable doing as long as they spend time in the same room and get to know each other little by little, but that was more towards my panic problem which they concentrated getting therapy for, not BPD. I refused because they didn't allow me to bring my dog with me so there was absolutely nothing I could've done to feel relaxed enough.

have you given him any reading material on bpd? walking on eggshells seems to be a good beginner for a partner or family member. for you, maybe some dbt skills like mindfulness might help with your coping techniques.

He said he would look into BPD in the very beginning when I told him about it so I actually trusted he would do so. During our fight recently I asked him how much has he actually read about it instead of once again trying to explain my actions. He didn't give me a proper reply, he kept saying he's read enough and that he knows exactly what is it about. As he kept pointing out what I do wrong, I stopped him and asked him to tell me the main ways of BPD thinking. He didn't, all he said was "insecure thinking" - in a way it's true, but he said all that BPDs think comes from insecure thinking and refused to specify. When I said I was looking for him to give me replies like black/white thinking and fear of abandonment, he said he knew but that those too come from insecure thinking so he didn't feel the need to be more specific.
I just wanted to see if he can point out for example the fear of abandonment, so I could myself point out my own flaw that he just complained about about that relates to the thinking. If you get what I was trying to do. But it didn't quite work out..

I don't know how do I get him to read more when he thinks he already knows what is it about, and his opinion about it being an imaginary illness still remains there.. He says my understanding of words is horrible because all the sites stating what BPD is tell stuff like "thinking they're being abandoned" so that supposedly makes his point of BPD being a belief even stronger. Thinking = not existing = belief..

you know in your heart he loves you, now is the 'work' process of establishing boundaries and healthy coping techniques when you're triggered or triggering one another. you know what doesn't work, now you're going to have to initiate things that DO work. rather than walking away from one another, why not just go to another room? but leave the door open to show that you need your space but you're not shutting one another out. you should never 'talk' during escalated times. it will only lead to more pain and saying things you don't mean.

He seems to calm down way faster than I do so he comes to seek for my attention before I'm ready for it and becomes impatient waiting if I still don't want to talk. Sometimes it works out when he forces me to talk (he is the type of a person who wants everything being talked through as soon as possible), sometimes it stresses me out just like right now.. He said we would talk later today after his work, we haven't talked since my last post after he got me to cry, and I guess I'm just expecting yet another conversation where he blames me for acting careless towards him.

please please look into mindfulness...i really think it will help when you get in these types of moments

I need to get more information about that, thank you..
Sometimes when I feel nervous enough I start cleaning, and I just clean clean clean to keep my mind busy. It helps me to cope and calm down but if I run out of things to do I'm all restless again.

don't you worry about that! your feelings are valid and you need to be heard. what are your thoughts now?

Really thank you for taking the time to reply. Currently I'm just unsure of the upcoming conversation with my bf that I mentioned about, if he'll still continue with the belief thing and blaming me.. I'm also really scared that the conversation will end up horribly, what if we fail to come to an agreement and he ends our relationship.. when he said we're gonna talk later he also mentioned he's sick of this and told me to "get help and fix my problem" - the help I needed in the first place would've been his support which I haven't been getting, and I'm already doing a lot to get better and learning to cope with all that I'm going through.. but the more he tells me how careless I am towards him the more useless I feel so I haven't been getting better in a long time, just getting more exhausted mentally as I keep trying and he keeps tiring me out. He says I been getting worse all the time, no wonder if I'm all the time under some sort of a stress and being insecure.. And he even said I'm not doing enough to 'fix my problem', yet before he has said he understands it might take a long time, even years.
Even going out for a walk with neighbour and our dogs is a lot for me, it means I'm socializing f2f without panicing and learning to understand that the other person doesn't think badly of me and has nothing against me because she agrees to go on a walk with me..
And the fact that I'm going to dog shows with hundreds of people around me is just amazing. As long as I can concentrate on a dog in there when I start getting uncomfortable I'm quite fine. Often people want me to handle their over-energetic dogs because I do my best to understand the dog, like the dog is being misunderstood just like I feel about myself, and in most cases I find rather quickly the right way to co-operate with difficult dogs. Their body language is so easy to read. I just can't do the same with people, in different tests they performed with me I only kept seeing anger or other negative feelings in people..
I been getting a lot better during these years, just taking my own time and little by little doing things I wouldn't have done before so I won't get completely stuck in life (like this year I got back into driving school!! okay I'm keeping a break from it right now, but I actually did that by my own free will!), and now he comes and says I'm clearly not doing enough to get better.

I know I'm probably doing a lot wrong but I still have a lot to learn what comes to coping with all of this.. I read from some other thread that someone had watched a video about 5 different minds of a borderline - with a quick search I didn't find informative videos about that, I'd like to see it too.. I don't remember what thread did I read it from so I can't go there and ask, I've read about the 5 minds from different articles but I was thinking if the video will make it even more clear and if I could even show it to my bf - maybe it would help him to understand too? Is there a video about that somewhere online?

This link should give you a video about 5 schemas of bpd..

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_ ... aces&sm=12

There's nothing wrong in venting. It depends on where you're venting. I vent to people whom i know can help me, like on this forum. So don't ever say sorry, you're not hurting anyone by posting your challenge.

good luck..

Thanks jaus tail..

The conversation I was stressing about in my previous text went surprisingly well, we didn't even fight.. Even though I think he's attempting to change too much and now he's even saying that he believes me that I do have a "problem" and it's not a belief only.. can't help but to think if he's saying that just to make me to calm down, but I have to try and trust him that he really means it I guess.

I remember months ago he said that he understands my situation might take a long time, even years to recover from because I'm kinda at a bad situation now.. but the past week he's been saying that I really need to go and get help, and he won't wait years for me to get better because at the moment he sees that I only sit home and do nothing to get better..
For me it's already a lot that I keep going to market alone, I never refuse to meet someone if someone asks me to go walk dogs with them, I keep going to dog shows or other dog-related events all the time (and he's always aware that I go). All of those things you might think are normal, are really helping me..

He only repeats and tells me to go get help.. from a doctor, psychiatrist or so.. the last time I went to psych was a couple years ago when they told me that it's no help for me to go there because I'm not telling them anything at all and they can't get anything out of me, so I could either choose to quit it or continue when it's not doing anything but stressing me all the time more.. So I quit it then like I told in my first post..
And he told me that now that I tried to seek help from him for the second time in this month.. last time he told me that my problem is a belief only. Now he only says that his help to me is just telling me to go get help.. I reminded him sometimes therapist is only there for the person so they can vent to someone and venting helps and told him that he himself isn't even listening me.. he ignored that and kept telling me to go help..

The only help at the moment would be his understanding.. and having him to listen to my vent, instead of telling me to go get help..
There's no one I can share my exhaustion with, or even if I feel glad that my appointment has succeeded (from my point of view).. I don't really see how it helps me to write on this forum either..

He didn't even know me when I was at my worst, he doesn't know from what kind of a situation I've dragged myself up from all on my own after I quit seeing doctor and psych.. They didn't help me but I've worked myself to recover and it's just been going downhill now.. my bf only reminds me that from his point of view I've only been getting worse, not better on my own..

Even though last time I wrote on this forum I even had a thought that crossed my mind to try going to therapist again because I was so desperate.. but I know I'd just be silent like always before..

And right now I feel all alone
I have no one support me and don't even know why a I trying to get better myself
it seems there's no future for me like this

I was just shortly hospitalized for being dangerously self-destructive and got home with 2 new medications..

On top of that they finally sent me again to meet a psychiatrist and I had the first meeting today. There was a doctor and the psychiatrist in the same room and I felt like I wasn't being listened to at all. They quickly diagnosed a serious depression which I already knew and I'm very sure it comes from all the problems that bpd has been causing me lately, instead they decide to concentrate on my panic disorder (again!!) so I could start working and gaining money for my living as I'm struggling money-wise.. How does one fight against panic if you're already depressed and running on low energy.. They didn't seem to understand the first thing they need to do is listen to me about my bpd issues first..
And apparently my boyfriend agrees with them and says I'm only being stubborn, not listening and not accepting help.. when I'm literally asking them to help me with bpd because I'm dangerous to myself which isn't caused by panic disorder.. and they just want to concentrate on the panic one..

Again I don't know why am I typing here.. I should probably just write an anonymous blog instead as it seems I'm not getting any comfort from this site either it being basically the last hope of mine..