BPD is killing me and my relationship. Please help :(

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so utterly devastated by the terrorist-like nature of this emotionally-crippling ailment. Often times I'm 'fine'--other times, like now, I'm so completely fragmented, angry, and wanting to lash out at everyone. Lately, I've been having horrible episodes that are costing me my relationship with my boyfriend, and I honestly have no idea as to how to remedy the problem. On Halloween, we went out to grab a few drinks (I haven't drank in a considerable amount of time due to the fact that I used to abuse alcohol in the past--for self-medicating purposes), and needless to say, it ended disastrously--me throwing a drink on my boyfriend, yelling at all of the other "hussies" in the bar, and verbally insulting my boyfriend due to his past. I can't lie, my boyfriend's sexual history kind of sickens me...he's been with quite a few women and NEVER within the context of a legitimate relationship. I, contrarily, am very monogamous and deeply value the inner-connectivity between sex and emotional intimacy--and to be quite frank, when my bouts of BPD-induced insecurity strike, I feel the need to insult him for it. I know that my boyfriend has changed (we were friends for a few years before we began dating--I mean, there was always an attraction there...but seeing as how I was in a relationship for ~4 years with another man, nothing transpired between us until I was single...and even then, I nearly sabotaged the relationship because I didn't want to get used by him). I know that it's my responsibility to accept and mentally move beyond this ridiculous concern of mine, but it seems that my BPD constantly insists that I'm not good enough seeing as how he's been with all of these women. I mean, I know in my logical mind that - in my honest opinion - I'm really the one in a position of virtuousness and self-control because while it would've been very easy for me to sleep around, I chose not to. I'm not an unattractive girl, and I know that I could have my fair pick of men if I really wanted--nevertheless, the truth is that I want my boyfriend, but my BPD tells me that I'll never be good enough or have all of him because of his past...and it incites soo many insane arguments between us. I simply don't know what to do anymore. I was really looking forward to a nice evening out on Halloween, and instead, I ruined it. Does anyone have any advice to lend? I'm feeling quite miserable and self-hating right now I know that my boyfriend loves me and feels regret due to his past...and I should have enough esteem to overlook it...but as said, my BPD is constantly reeking havoc on my self-worth.

brianna,

i am replying even tho i have no idea what to tell you... sorry, i really wish i could help.

i can't even come close to knowing how you feel because i'm opposite of you in some ways. i deeply identify with the whole idea of sex = deep intimacy and connection, but i have been starved for that all my life and constantly sleeping with boys/men trying to get it. it was always such a deep and powerful need, like physical hunger, i could not simply decide not to have sex any more than a starving person could turn down a juicy steak. i always go into relationships assuming that the guy has a much tamer sexual history than i do. if they ask too many questions, i bail. but honestly that hardly ever happens!

is it ok if i ask what started the fight?

You are contradicting yourself. you say you're not an unattractive girl and could have your fair pick if you wanted and then you doubt your self worth.

about doubting your self worth, it's his decision. if he wants to be with you, he'll be, if he wants to leave, he'll leave.

i dont think anyone hangs out with someone for sympathy. most people hang out with someone because they want to.

when you say, 'i dont feel worthy enough for him,' what do you think would be worthy enough for him? what qualities, you think you lack that he deserves to have in his woman, according to you?

Janus Tail:

This alleged contradiction is rooted in my discerning between my intellectual-side and my emotionality. While I KNOW, intellectually, that I'm universally attractive enough to garner a considerable amount attention from men...EMOTIONALLY I cannot come to believe and FEEL that I'm attractive. This tends to be an integral dynamic associated with BPD--one that many sufferers grapple with. My insecurities (insofar as this is concerned) lie in this faulty belief that he's insatiable when it comes to sexual endeavors with multiple women--and that being with one woman (i.e. me) isn't satisfying...and this is perpetuated by the insecurities inherent to my personality disorder. If it were as simple as intellectualizing the situation, I could easily come to the conclusion (and wholeheartedly BELIEVE) that, seeing as how he's with me (and loves me), that I'm more than enough--however, the demonic nature of my insecurities insidiously compel me to bring this into question.

Carlsagan fan:

Please don't be so hard on yourself This shouldn't have gone without saying that I haven't made a couple of mistakes as far as sex is concerned--it's simply that my "number", so to speak, is a mere fraction of that of my boyfriend. If you ever want to chat, I'm a PM away. For whatever it's worth, we all cope with our need for love in varying ways--me, myself, I chose to drink myself to the point of nearly losing everything, developed an eating disorder, and carved up my arms and legs. While you may feel "unloved/able" or what have you, I, too, feel this way...and while the reasoning may be different, it's really all the same.

You sound kind of Narc-ish. Or talk sick.

This alleged contradiction is rooted in my discerning between my intellectual-side and my emotionality. While I KNOW, intellectually, that I'm universally attractive enough to garner a considerable amount attention from men...EMOTIONALLY I cannot come to believe and FEEL that I'm attractive. This tends to be an integral dynamic associated with BPD--one that many sufferers grapple with. My insecurities (insofar as this is concerned) lie in this faulty belief that he's insatiable when it comes to sexual endeavors with multiple women--and that being with one woman (i.e. me) isn't satisfying...and this is perpetuated by the insecurities inherent to my personality disorder. If it were as simple as intellectualizing the situation, I could easily come to the conclusion (and wholeheartedly BELIEVE) that, seeing as how he's with me (and loves me), that I'm more than enough--however, the demonic nature of my insecurities insidiously compel me to bring this into question.

I identify with this. I wonder at times if it is a subconscious tactic to push them away before they do you; The reasons for doing this could stem from so many possible causes...
- Relationship with father
-Past experiences / relationships
-intimacy avoidant
-lack of self Love....
-over abundance of self criticism......
What is the answer, when one has been dealt a certain hand in life?
I don't know, except perhaps to realise the importance of removing fear of abandonment and loss somehow. Giving the r'ship your best shot;, all the Love and trust you can.... and know that whatever happens you will survive it. Perhaps in removing the element of fear, it can free one up to Love / forgive/ be intimate....more readily.

ok it's jaus and not janus

think of yourself first and then of him. i'm not saying, crush his desires and think of yourself, that's your call

a far fetched example would be
if he tells you to do something in bed your not comfortable with, but your demonic side is telling you to do it cause...well the demonic side puts all the arguments of he deserves more, you dont deserve to be with him...woudl you do it only because the demonic side orders you to please him. only because the demonic side proclaims it as your duty to please him.

if you think he's sexually insatiable, does that mean, your not good enough for him? well sex should be good for both(or all) the partners involved, that's what consensual means. is sex good enough for you? if he has any problem, he can say so. let him think of his problems, this is a major problem with us. we assume the driver's seat in other individuals and think for them. we forget that others have a mind of their own and let them think and have their own pov. if someone has a problem with us, they'll tell us, they'll let us know. if they can't then we can always ask them, speak with them or send an email.

you know that the side which is doubting your worth is demonic and unhealthy. its tough but confront the demonic side by asking your guy questions, google search 'how to know if your partner is happy in bed, how to know if he's faking an orgasm or not'

Hi Brianna,

I can relate to you. In my case my husband is bisexual. I had insecurities our entire relationship
even though he never cheated on me. I thought I can never satisfy him. He also actually did
have a problem with his attraction to me for the first several years because I wasn't a waif. He
is now completely attracted to me, he has stayed with me through thick and thin, and finally after
all these years I trust his attraction to me. It's amazing as a Borderline that I stayed with him
with my trust issues and all. But I did have affairs.

Anyways, I agree with what Jaustail says. I would like to emphasize to try to keep the focus
on yourself and heal the trust issues that could be at the root of it. Just identifying your
demonic throughts as trust issues and allowing the emotion to move through you like a wave can help. Accept your insecure thoughts. If you fight them they will persist more. When they arise, ask yourself what you need? What you can do to nurture yourself? Maybe talking to him will help like Jaustail said . And maybe just giving yourself love in the moment will take care of it.

I so get being attractive but always wanting validation anyways and always thinking that I am
unattractive even though it's a lie. It's not about my looks or my body. It's the way I feel about
myself yet I am projecting ugliness because I don't know how or I think its too painful to deal with
the self-hatred. I am noticing this more now...needing less validiation from my husband.

Anyways, I hear you. Hang in there.

I will respond to each of ya'll respective to the order of your responses.

@13cmk: Narcissistic? Haha. You wouldn't be the first to suggest this, but if only you really knew how erratic my sense of esteem is, you'd likely swallow your assertion. My high's and low's are incredibly unpredictable, and sometimes I'm just a menstrual cycle away from losing it.

@doodler: Thank you ever so kindly for your input. Yes, you're absolutely right (as far as I'm concerned, anyway)--I do believe that, on some level, it's a subconscious attempt to prematurely sabotage the relationship before I'm confronted with any sort of rejection (real or imagined). My father was always rather critical of me, and I've not a fraction of doubt in my mind that I've ever so deeply been indoctrinated with this mental scaffold and colored my self-concept with overwhelming self-doubt, disdain, and criticism. In any case, I really appreciate the thoughtful nature of your input...it's refreshing to be able to speak so candidly about these types of issues without the burden of judgment.

@jaus tail: Oh, my apologies. While I appreciate the feedback, I think that you're kind of missing the point of my original post. My concerns aren't rooted in my ability/inability to please him sexually (I'm rather confident in my ability to do this, actually)--it's more or less that I feel that his capacity for true, unadulterated intimacy is fragmented (or otherwise nonexistent) due to the promiscuous nature of his past. People can tear me up and down, side-to-side--and I don't care; I believe that (for me and whomever I'm with, anyway) that sexual intimacy should be reserved for a context that's founded upon committal love and adoration. His sexual past doesn't threaten my self-esteem as far as my sexual abilities are concerned; it more or less makes me feel that, at one point or another, he didn't value sex...and that if he has the capacity to not value sex, then is sex with me really meaningful to him? And of course, this brings into question as to whether or not I am worthy and lovable enough (in his eyes) to merit his newfound desire for monogamy...so it's inherently more complex of an issue than whether or not my sexual repertoire is sufficient enough for him, if that makes any sense. Needless to say, my borderline personality has a sort of voracity for this kind of thing--perpetuating this myth about myself that I'm unworthy and otherwise defective. While it may not make any rational sense to most, it tends to make perfect sense in my own mind. Nevertheless, I'll take your advice and opt to communicate with him more. Thanks for your two-cents!

@monkey66: Wow, that's quite a situation. I'm so glad to hear that you guys were able to successfully navigate yourselves and your relationship through such challenges--I think that it can safely be said that many couples (borderline-ridden or not) would've more readily called it quits. You two must love each other And yes, over the course of the past couple of months or so, I've been making a more earnest attempt to wholly feel and experience the magnitude of my emotions (in the most raw and unadulterated of ways) so as to work on inching my childhood wounds and such towards some sort of closure. To my delight, I'm finding that it's been incredibly advantageous (particularly when I would've otherwise sparked an unnecessary fight between me and my boyfriend). I hope that things continue to progress further within the context of your relationship (and yourself, of course). Thanks for your support

I say dump him.