I want to disappear

Hi all.

The past week has been rough.
My emotions have been battling in my mind

I've been feeling empty, sad, and suicidal. I want to disappear in this air and have no one remember me. Why is this?

I have a stable job, an amazing boyfriend that loves and supports me, family and friends that care, I am successful and happy with life, yet I still don't feel good enough- for myself or my parent and I feel like I keep disappointing him. He doesn't make me feel that way but I can't help but think that.

I don't know what to do. I woke up this morning saying to myself that it would be a good day but halfway through it got a little rough and I needed people to talk to. Luckily, those who care were there for me, but after we stopped talking about things I just felt drained. This week has been draining emotionally. I've been crying at night for no reason. I feel fine and then I feel sad immidiately.

I also came to the conclusion that I have ADHD today, so I just feel like a mess. i want to go live in a hospital and be locked up because I'm crazy and my mind is just racing with so many thoughts and then the next second I feel numb. I just want to have stable emotions for a week, is that too much to ask?

Also, I watched a video on the different "minds" of BPD; the protector, the punitive parent, the abandoned child, the impulsive/angry child, and the healthy adult. I really related to it and now see when each mind is coming out. It helps me get through episodes quickly and it makes me feel a little better that I know what's going on. I like when I can assign a name to a feeling because it helps me acknowledge it. otehrwise I feel like if I don't know how I feel, there isn't a way to solve it.

The knowledge of 5 minds helps me as well.

Whenever I feel detachment or the dissociated protector coming out, I move away from the environment. It usually happens when I'm in a group(can't have conversations with people i dont get along well). If i dont speak and realize i'm in the detached mode, I walk away and distract myself. It's ok to be alone, rather than be the mechanical person in a group.

When i feel hyper excited, i calm down. The depression and anxiety are 0 and 1 states. when i feel i'm in the euphoric 1 state, i calm down and relax myself. resist the temptation to appear god like.

i've realized that it's ok. it's ok to be numb as long as i'm not hurting someone. at job i cant show my emotions so there being numb and mechanical helps me.

surround yourself with people whom you get along well with and not with people with whom you want to get along well.