Just not feeling it this morning.

I barely got any sleep last night. Between nightmares/vivid dreams, the kittens meowing, and having to get up to pee 3 different times, I got like barely any actual restful sleep.

I just feel so empty and helpless this morning. I just want to break down and cry. I miss my medicine, I miss feeling a sense of control over my behavior, thoughts, and feelings. I'm looking at around 14 more weeks (MIL wants me to breast feed, so I negotiated for two weeks after birth) until I get my medicine back and then an additional 2-4 weeks before it actually starts to work. I guess it doesn't help that I am wanting the baby to take his sweet time getting here, as I am no where ready to have two kids and I have done pretty much nothing to get the house ready for him.

To be completely honest, I am terrified of having two kids, I can barely handle having one. I have not been excited at all during this entire pregnancy, I am dreading D-day. I know I will love him and care for him no matter what, but that doesn't make it any less scary. I have no idea how I am going to do this.

Day by day I feel like I am getting worse. I don't know how to tell anyone around how I am feeling because everyone is so excited and I don't want to ruin their happiness. I feel so guilty. I feel alone. I feel like even as much as everyone loves me, they will never understand how hard it is for me to get from one day to the next. I just want the roller coaster to stop. I'm so over having to fake happiness and excitement to hide the never ending storm of emotions and thoughts. :/

Thanks for reading.

Just letting you know someone read this. I do relate to feeling alone and that nobody understands, though of course our situations are different.
I hope you feel better soon, neveragain.

Thank you, hopefully the next 14 weeks don't take as long as I feel they will. I know I will start to feel better as soon as I have the written prescriptions for my medicine in hand. I will feel like I'm actually one step closer to getting better. Right now I feel like I am just sliding backwards from all the progress I accomplished earlier this year. But if I started to climb the mountain once I can do it again.