gender dysphoria

[off topic]
You're trans too??? God. I'm surprised to have seen so many here already. It's very nice to see, actually.
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blank identity wrote:[off topic]
You're trans too??? God. I'm surprised to have seen so many here already. It's very nice to see, actually.
[/off topic]

Yep uh-huh, weird coincidences huh??

I don't think I woulda transitioned without my identity problems. Because I was a small femme looking boy who always wanted to be in the submissive role so being a girl was like an easy identity to latch onto... hrmmm now it doesn't feel that way and I wanna identify as a small femmey gay boy instead... lord I am crazy...

Why the " "?

I'm in exactly the same position. I keep switching between being trans and just a femme gay man. lol. Identity problems have definitely caused me a lot of confusion with that.

But the way I look at it. With either, I still get to be with men, and I still get to be feminine and express myself the way I want.
The only problem is, do I want to be a woman full time? Or just a femme gay guy in appearence? But then there's the problem with having to LIVE and ACT and SOUND like a woman, and that would probably fundamentally change who I am.
F**k. I guess I'm just a femme gay guy then.

Nevermind. lol. I'm going back to my journal, lol.

blank identity wrote:Why the " "?

I'm in exactly the same position. I keep switching between being trans and just a femme gay man. lol. Identity problems have definitely caused me a lot of confusion with that.

But the way I look at it. With either, I still get to be with men, and I still get to be feminine and express myself the way I want.
The only problem is, do I want to be a woman full time? Or just a femme gay guy in appearence? But then there's the problem with having to LIVE and ACT and SOUND like a woman, and that would probably fundamentally change who I am.
F**k. I guess I'm just a femme gay guy then.

Nevermind. lol. I'm going back to my journal, lol.

Haha. Okay. Yeah this is all so frustrating. I don't think I have any problems with living as a woman and I seem to fit right in to everyone else but my problem is... I guess it is my BPD? But I never believe I am normal no matter how many people tell me. Like how I communicate with people.. I'm so friggin' inhibited and shy. I never feel like I have anything to offer or talk about with people and I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I think everything I said is stupid right after I say it. I feel stupid WHILE I'm saying it. I blame it on being trans but I always was this way so... it's just like when I see other girls gushing about things or being so uninhibited and expressive I feel like such a boring person...

And yup all I know is, either way I have to be with guys. Even if it was not about attraction... I need the strength that most guys have and the doting that they can offer. Luckily being in my relationship makes all these decisions for me because my bf would refuse to live as a gay guy. But maybe not luckily when I am in a bad mood and having lots of doubts, then he becomes the enemy

I'm sorry I can't remember. Were you the one that was talking about being trans for your bf but you didn't really want to be one?

I've never had a boyfriend, and I want one soooooo much. It's long past due. I ran away from myself and denied it my entire life and only recently came to accept it. There is no way in hell I'm ever going back either. I find being with a woman again very repulsive. It never felt right to me but I tried to force myself to be straight. I've never enjoyed sex with women either. I was just going through the motions.

NEVER AGAIN. Never going back to that unhappiness ever again. That's what pisses me off and why I left god. I just can't do it. I can't be with another woman. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life.
I was celebate (dating and sexually) for 12 years because of it. Not the only reason but the biggest one.

This is the one thing I will not compromise ever again.

Mind if I ask if you're passable as a woman? I'm not. Recently got into makeup again and noticed I changed and looked a lot more feminine since the last time, and it gives me hope that one day I could be passable without FFS. If only I could figure out if that's what I really want or not.

Uh-huh. That's why transition was such an easy trap for me to fall into... I passed as a girl immediately when I started transition, and off and on even when I was living as a boy. I always passed as a girl and nobody ever questioned a thing. I didn't really develop like a boy, like growing facial/body hair or anything. And I stopped growing very young. I had to shop in the boy's dept thru my teen years and up till I transitioned. And I always had long hair all my life because I hated having it short. I never really considered FFS but sometimes I want a nose job...

Hmm, as far as finding a boyfriend, have you tried doing things in the gay community? I don't really know. I have lived pretty isolated, I used to think I was attracted to girls too but asexual. I never really sought a relationship until I ended up in one with a kind of obsessive girl. I don't know if it was a real relationship though. There was no physical element and it was very short-lived. My bf was my first actual legitimate relationship and I have become more sexual as there is more emotional depth. I have become too sexual though I think, now I fantasize a lot. I don't know, I'm always changing.. sigh I used to think I was asexual then bi or pan but now it is hard to say. Femininity is a major turnoff to me because I feel like I need the feminine spot in a relationship. Masculinity and dominance are very attractive. Is that how you feel? I guess that can be harder as a gay boy because there is less of a consistent balance compared to straight relationships. But I know there are masc and femme gay guys as well.

I know a gay guy who struggles w/ some similar issues as me. He finds a lot of dates online and is actually happy with those dating sites. You could try that! He also met some people at pride.

Actually I desire the female spot in relationships too. Even when I was dating before. It's kind of funny actually.

I do not like dominant or aggressive men. I don't like feminine men either (but that could change). But, being needy and clingy and needing that nurturance, I do want a guy to take care of me and lead me and protect me.

Hmmm, yeah I see what you mean. I fantasize about aggressive, abusive men. But my boyfriend is a little more gentle than that. He kind of mellowed out over time in our relationship. When we met he was more aggressive and cold and stuff. I think it's for the best because if he was still like that he probably would not have stayed with me thru some of my episodes. He does really care about me. So I feel especially guilty when I have fantasies about other men who would not be healthy to be with and project those onto him as if he is being insufficient. I have said some mean things to him wanting him to be almost sadistic at times... I try to remember that it is just my problems that makes me do that though and that it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him or with me.

Nevermind. For now. I need to go.

Sometimes I go all out and do a fun look for myself but usually I just wear a daily makeup look w/ a matte nude foundation, mascara and some peach blush. Smoky eye with big hair if I wanna sex it up for the night.

I don't own many lipsticks because I like to emphasize my eyes more but someday will have to try a red lip. I don't know if I could pull it off and it might make me look a lil mature.

So you're more on the vampy side? That's fun though. It totally doesn't suit me but it is fun.

Glad you're feeling better

Edit: oh you changed your post! But my reply stands