tired of struggling and housebound

I know this will be difficult to read because I ramble a lot, but I am very scattered at the moment and am having difficulty arranging my thoughts. please bare with me.

I've been dealing with depression, anxiety and self harm for a long time, probably since I was about 14, (I'm 21 now, diagnosed bpd after a suicide attemps when i was 19) I've struggling a lot over the years and I've been seeing counsellors and therapists for most of that time, sometimes I felt like I had improved but I would always eventually fall back into depression and anxiety and bad behaviours: drinking, drugs, self harm, overeating etc.
things are harder than ever and I feel this desperate need to cling of to my friends and family all because i'm terrified they are going to turn away from me. My sister and I aren't talking at the moment because she sent me a barrage of texts saying that I wasn't trying to get better and that I make everything about myself, all this came after i told her I couldn't come to her birthday party because my anxiety is so bad at the moment that I can't leave the house. I felt like she was being really unfair because she doesn't even live at home anymore so she doesn't really know how hard I'm trying. and I don't mean to make things about myself, I didn't even realise I did. I try not to bother people with my problems because I feel like they're tired of hearing about it.

I just wish that I was actually making any kind of improvement instead of getting worse. they don't realise how hard I've been trying to stop self harming (which i haven't done for 2 and a half months). but apart from that I'm doing badly, I've become pretty much house bound due to my anxiety which became drastically worse a few months ago after I stopped taking my medication (stupid i know, but they didn't seem to be working and they made me gain so much weight). I'm supposed to see my CPN every week but she always seems to be busy with other patients so I only see her every couple of weeks, She's lovely and I have really opened up to her in the hopes that I would feel better, but nothing has changed.
I have also become very paranoid about the people i love dying. every time my brother goes out I am terrified that something bad will happen to him. I call my mum constantly to make sure she's okay, she doesn't mind though because she knows I worry about her.
My mum is the only one who understands what I'm going through, she's my rock at the moment.

I'm just so tired of being ill all the time, It's bloody exhausting, I wish I could just pull myself together like people keep telling me to, but I just can't seem to do it.
my doctor just put me on a low dose of quetiapine to see if it makes a difference to my anxiety but at the moment I'm just ridiculously tired all day which doesn't help me get motivated!

My question is, can I ever recover? or is this a life sentence? I can't imagine still dealing with this in ten years, I think I would kill myself.

I'm sorry if this was rambly and long, I just needed to rant about how I'm feeling, I don't really have anyone to talk to...

millie

no one? :/

I don't have anything to say that will make you feel better except that you're not alone. I also stopped taking meds for the same reasons, and that it seemed like they would sometimes push me over the edge. I am homebound as well and have missed a lot of things that family or friends still don't understand why. Most people seem to avoid me now, which is fine with me. As far as people are concerned, I get so much anxiety around them that I've actually begun to prefer being alone. Sound like your mum is someone to hang onto though!! I don't know about you, but I've been known to spend endless days staring at nothing with no concept of what's going on. The only thing that brings me back is my service dog. I am so lucky to have her... and I'm so afraid of losing her.

This disorder is very difficult to live with for anyone, and the nons will never be able to understand. Your own understanding and patience with your sister will go a long way. She probably felt like you didn't care enough, so what is another way to help her see that you care for her?

Just remember that the bad doesn't last for ever.

You seem eloquent in the way that you write and I like that avatar.

Is there anything that you would like to do as a career? Can you make goals toward that?

You might have to "try on a few hats" with regards to religion or career or what type of friends you like to have, and this is part of youth.

I'm not sure what the exact method is for agoraphobia, except maybe having your mum assisting you with a gradual method/way to slowly get outside.

And, there might be anti anxiety meds that you could ask about.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy might help.

You all have a national health service, correct? I don't know ...perhaps they could help you with insurance and all of that.

Good luck to you,

Cate68

NeedyPants wrote:I don't have anything to say that will make you feel better except that you're not alone. I also stopped taking meds for the same reasons, and that it seemed like they would sometimes push me over the edge. I am homebound as well and have missed a lot of things that family or friends still don't understand why. Most people seem to avoid me now, which is fine with me. As far as people are concerned, I get so much anxiety around them that I've actually begun to prefer being alone. Sound like your mum is someone to hang onto though!! I don't know about you, but I've been known to spend endless days staring at nothing with no concept of what's going on. The only thing that brings me back is my service dog. I am so lucky to have her... and I'm so afraid of losing her.

This disorder is very difficult to live with for anyone, and the nons will never be able to understand. Your own understanding and patience with your sister will go a long way. She probably felt like you didn't care enough, so what is another way to help her see that you care for her?

Just remember that the bad doesn't last for ever.

thank you, I think I needed to know that it's not just me.

I just wish I could make people understand. what upset me most about my sister was that previously I had talked to her about everything. we are very close and I always thought she 'got me', but then she turns around one day and proves me wrong. It has never been a one sided relationship or anything, I'm always there for her to talk to as well. it just feels like fighting a losing battle constantly...

anyway, thank you for your comment. x

somekindamillie wrote:it just feels like fighting a losing battle constantly...

I relate to that feeling quite well, if it means anything.