Should a boyfriend of girlfriend accept ones BPD?

If my boyfriend were a lawyer, he'd be great at it because he is good at debating. Ironically, he HATES lawyers with a passion!

Anyways, like I said, my boyfriend is good at getting his point across.

My best friend thinks a person should love you no matter what, flaws and all. Love the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.

My boyfriend says he accepts my BPD but wants it to change. He doesn't want me this way forever. He wants me to improve. He doesn't like that I'm this way. And whenever i say but but you should accept someone the way they are he asks me if I would want someone who is always negative, never listens to peoples advice and is stressed all the time. I said "no".

I do a lot of splitting and am very impulsive. he cannot tolerate it. he is not the best at tending to my emotional needs. He thinks if i have a problem, i should work on it, improve and grow.

Im not sure how to view all this. can someone help me out?

No, I'm not happy with the way I'm coping with things. I still think for the most part, I've calmed down with the things I'm impulsive about except for kicking him out. which i haven't done in 2 weeks. sad but true, its been a good amount of time for me to have not done that.

I guess the way I handle things impacts me negatively.

I asked him to make a list of the problems he has in this relationship. I had him write it down on a piece of paper and this is what he said word for word:

" - I'm a result of our history together. I'm more short with you, I'm tired and hopeless.[u] I've become a problem now too[/u]
-" If there is a problem (which is very often) anything I do or say doesn't help. It affects nothing. My attempts feel pointless. HOPELESS."
-"If I openly talk, i get in trouble. examples in the past are me bring up my moms thai boyfriend, other girls existing, me being ambitious, etc."
-"my ambitions... the very things i want to do in life are a massive problem for you. this is a big problem."
-"i feel like I'm walking on a wire with you. i could fall to the left or the right. I never know with you. I never know what will happen. I'm currently prepared for whatever happens. You don't like that I am like that."
-"My project of the 30 things i want to do before I'm 30 is very important to me but I feel that this list is a big problem for you".
-"I'm on-guard with you. Im so used to fighting that my shields are constantly up".
-"I'm not home. You are home. This is your city. Its your moms place. I willingly came here knowing that. I know coming here would mean I would be walking into a frying-pan. Its your place, your rules. I'm the outsider. If you kick me out of here, I have to drive thousands of miles. But I'm at a point now where i will willingly leave if i get kicked out anymore. its my call, and i don't like feeling that way anymore."
-"your emotions are always times 10. if i make you sad, you're sad X10. if i make you mad your made X10 in love X10, annoyed X10, etc."


This type of information makes me feel that we don't belong together. It makes me wonder why he is with me if he feels that way. Am i approaching this all wrong?

I feel like my most biggest concern is him physically being away from me although he can argue that for the past year and a half, he HAS been around me. Yes, but he wants a larger than life type of life which he said to me earlier today. So to me, our relationship has an expiration date. he is around just for now til he just says okay I gotta go travel now, bye. I WANT someone who is around. Who isn't around for a year or two then leaves!!!

littlearcher wrote:you are giving a mixed message. because it sounds like you're now saying he isn't what you want.

he moved to another state to be with you and has come back even when you've kicked him out multiple times however, you are reading him having his own hopes and dreams and ambitions that pre-existed him even being with you as meaning that he is not "around"?

you're reading into the future that there is an expiration date based on him wanting to do other things in his life. however, he is there with you now. and are you saying that you are currently committed to him forever and that's your expectation of him...if you are saying that, is it even fair to say that when you have considered being with other people?

Aw man! I typed out a response to this about 20 minutes ago but it turns out it didn't send! I have really poor memory so I'll try to rewrite it as best as I can.

I understand that him being here shows that he is around but I don't know for how long. This goes back to my fears of abandonment and how I am overly attached to him. I don't care what my boyfriend does or who he decides to be as long as he is physically here. Being physically present is a MUST for me with a boyfriend.

I know he is where with me now but his goals and dreams say otherwise to me. They give me the message that he is only here for an X amount of time til he is ready to move on with his life regardless of what type of girlfriend I am. Like, I have no control over it. That he will do what he wants to me, traveling involves his absence. Traveling is and I guess always will be a threat if I can't go with him. And I don't see how I could travel to a bunch of places and hold down a steady job. I feel like I know what I want and I tell him this all the time. I want someone who is here. If he has all these plans and knows it doesn't match mine, why isn't he leaving? I am very weak-minded. I am very needy. He is mentally strong and stable. I don't leave boyfriends because I can't. I just can't do it.

I am currently committed to him. I can't say that I am "forever" committed to him because who knows really. I honestly HATE the unknown and yes, I don't know how long we will last but I do know this: when I get into a relationship with someone, i want it to be long-term, possibly forever. I am one of those girls that gets into a relationship hoping he's "the one". I know there are people out there who date around or accept a short term relationship but that is not me. Those definitely aren't my intentions. If I'm dating you and sharing my life with you, i hope to do so for many years. I love being in love. Its one of the best experiences in my life. The reason why I gravitated towards someone else is because I felt we could not communicate and I was trying hard to be on my best behavior but it was not good enough. That is when I started having simple conversations with my coworker and realized I wasn't constantly checking my phone to see if my boyfriend texted me. I wasn't so wrapped up in my problems with him. it was a good distraction. my coworker and I talked about life and how my day was.. things at the time i felt were very hard to do with my boyfriend. plus he was more than a thousand miles away at the time. being able to talk to my coworker like that was comforting and as a result, i started to like him. Not sure if thats a BPD trait or what.

Is it fair for me to expect him to be committed to me forever? I guess when you look at what I've done, then no. But at the same time, I wasn't not committed to him. Or at least in my eyes thats how I view it.

Did I answer your questions? Apparently, Im not that great at answering the question at hand my boyfriend says. I tend to get off track. Please let me know if I didn't answer them.

-- Tue Oct 01, 2013 9:50 am --

littlearcher wrote:it sounds to me like you've got someone that loves you, who also has a healthy idea of things that he wants in his life, and that he is trying to communicate with you in hopes of making things work between the two of you.

i am sorry if my replies sound a little harsh. i know that you must be feeling insecure and anxious to be posting the things that you are posting, i just think that you have someone who loves you and who i think you also love and that your unhappiness is more due to your bpd than your boyfriend or his contribution to the relationship.

Dont apologize. Your response wasn't harsh.

He sounds too pushy / dominating over your situation to me. I mean to a degree he does have to accept a large part of how you are.

You need to explain to him that BPD is a deeply ingrained, serious and highly persistent mental disorder. There is help available but progress is slow and long term. Typically it can take a decade of work for significant progress to occur, however in many cases various symptoms will persist for longer.

He should understand that in reality, your general emotional and impulsive characteristics, and difficulty in dealing with stress are not going to change to any dramatic degree.

However in my experience it is possible for people with BPD to improve within a shorter time frame the following: (when they find the right support or medication): Significant depression, self harm behaviors, substance abuse/addiction. Of course it can take a LOT of effort for progress to made in these areas. By shorter time frame I mean a couple to a few years.

In my opinion the best type of boyfriend for a BPD girl, is one that is generally calm and rational, tolerant and not judgmental, not obsessive or dominating towards the woman, and is naturally emotionally supportive / understanding.

Wisedude wrote: In my opinion the best type of boyfriend for a BPD girl, is one that is generally calm and rational, tolerant and not judgmental, not obsessive or dominating towards the woman, and is naturally emotionally supportive / understanding.

You know whats funny about all that wise dude? Is that he USED to be this type of person. Til he met me and i pushed his buttons and fought with him once a week for months straight and kicked him out at least twice a month for several months.

He says he is still this way with others just not with me. Like i pretty much emotional beat him to death and now he is burnt. thats why he says he's a result of everything thats happened. he was not this way once upon a time but now he is.

I can honestly say (from experience); yes. I can accept someone like that. Not always with ease, composure, or as much empathy and understanding as they need/deserve, but I can and I can even love them FOR it, even if it gives me hell. And I'm not the only one. So my advice is to hold out for someone better.

Re: Should a boyfriend of girlfriend accept ones BPD?

The answer to that question would be yes, BUT it doesn't give you free reign to treat him anyway you like, place the blame of bad behavior on bpd by rationalizing the behavior away, and then expect him to accept your bpd. To me that seems to be what is happening. It appears he accepts you, but you're pushing those limits and his list seems to be proof of that.

he USED to be this type of person. Til he met me and i pushed his buttons and fought with him once a week for months straight and kicked him out at least twice a month for several months.

It's ultimately everyone's responsibility to take care of their own mental health and place their mental health needs before anyone else's.

I'm not trying to sound mean but your post seems to be full of contradiction and rationalizing away bad behavior.

You ask this.

Is it fair for me to expect him to be committed to me forever?

but then say this about yourself

I am currently committed to him. I can't say that I am "forever" committed to him because who knows really.

If that applies to you then it would also apply to him.

I'm gonna keep my opinions about the world and the deterioration of relationship values to myself.

Geez, and I just PM'd you to ask how things are going. I guess I should've check the forum first!

His yearn for adventure and travel will remain a problem in your relationship so long as you view/associate "physical presence" to mean "not abandoned". You and I have talked extensively in the past and you've been very up-front and courageous in explaining the difficulty you have with that - and how you cope/compensate by trying to feel needed/appealing/wanted by others. You're certainly not alone; there are many on the forum who can relate 150%.

Him coming to MA to be with you is him displaying his loyalty, his commitment and his dedication to you and the relationship you have with him and that he has with you. His acceptance of your BPD is visible by his moving to you, to be with you, and trying to navigate the difficult relationship waters. This isn't a question of whether he accepts you; it's whether you accept what he is giving to you.

By what he wrote, clearly he's frustrated. As you know (and I'm sure everyone does), BPD can often cause one to want an extra foot even after someone just gave you several more inches. This appears to be what is happening. Testing... testing... and testing some more which causes a lot of unnecessary strain on relationships. I know you well enough to know that you're probably questioning whether you're doing this or not and likely wondering how to stop if you are. That's the $10,000 question though because you'd need to feel safe/secure and you don't feel that - likely due to his love for traveling and you knowing that (currently) you need a lot of physical elements to help keep things manageable. On his end, he appears to be trying to help you feel safe/secure but feels like he's running into a wall and nothing is helping. It's good that you're both communicating these things (even if some of it might need to be decoded a little).

Honestly, as tough as things may get from time to time, you two are doing a very good job of communicating and navigating the rough waters. In fact, I'm really proud of you and proud to know you! You really do put yourself out there in hopes it helps compensate or limit any of the potential issues BPD can cause and you probably don't realize how much that's helping both of you and a lot of other people who read about it. For anyone else trying to navigate these same relationship waters, you are a role-model.

Going back to what I said about the travel, my guess is that you remember how it felt when he wasn't there, you recall how difficult it was for you to cope day-by-day, and you're very fearful of that happening again (and of you not being ready for it). So, maybe you're trying to "be ready" by testing him and his commitment as much as you can? If that's the case, it's going to fall on you to change it -- but it's going to be much more difficult if he can't get back to a place where he's more patient and tolerant I understand his "helpless" feeling so I know it may be a challenge for him to get back there. You may need some patience and tolerance to help him as well.

at risk of getting eaten, I'd like to put in a non-type post...

it sounds like he's getting hurt, and he feels threatened and not safe to let down the barriers and relax.

his ambitions in life and his "things to do before 30" are probably important to him, not necessarily because he wants to aspire to some daft pointless and stupid shallow ideal that has been programmed into him, but it might be because he is a. aware of his own mortality and limited chance at life (in a realistic way) and b. he's able to enjoy his achievements and self-actualize to some extent (or he is trying to be able to do those things.)
I know what its like to be at a place where psychologically there are unmet needs at the kind of level that make it impossible to even understand getting that kind of thing out of life. It can make some of the actions of people who do look idiotic. (Not to say people don't ever take idiotic actions or have idiotic wants, lol.)

I suppose if you put his list into a more relationship-orientated mindset, it could read something like,

"I need to be accepted"
"I need to feel supported in the things that are important to me"
"I need to be able to feel safe to be emotionally open and relaxed with you"

*waits to be eaten*


The next bit I'm not experienced with handling - I've mostly kept relationships at a distance in some way. (normally literally, lol.)

Its true you do have to question whether you're compatible in the practical sense too regardless how the two of you feel about each other. If one person wants a quiet life close to a reliable person who is always there for them and another wants adventure and travel, you might not be able to give each other what you need. While that doesn't change how you feel, if you both care about each others' needs being met as well as your own its possible to see how you do have to think about whether you would be able to be happy together in any kind of traditional relationship set up, and if that kind of thing is what you want from life, you need to think about what will make you happy in the long term.

If you are thinking about getting together with any person, I guess you need to think about what you would want from life, and a relationship, and how you'd like the two to relate to each other if that makes sense.