Afraid of relationships. May Trigger

Me and this girl have been talking, and yesterday we didnt talk. I find myself drifting into the realm of her not wanting to talk to me, and that sort of thing. Yet the one time a girl told me she loved me i wasnt with i told her i hated her and wanted her to die. I wasnt really with anyone, but i was idealizing another girl that i was talking to. She didnt do anything wrong, she just told me she loved me and wanted to be with me. I'm getting scared ill do that again. I really can't keep myself from doing it. I just honestly cant believe anyone would love me. I have problems believing my parents love me most of the time, and they actually do. they constantly tell me they love me. But they are some of the people i tell i hate them a lot. Particularly my mom... I feel like it goes back to my childhood, where i had been in three different homes in my early development. my mom didnt want me, and my dad left when he got my mom pregnant according to my adoptive parents, And the first foster home i was in didnt want me, so they sent me to my current parents, who adopted me. I had a very bad early childhood. My biological mother wasnt nurturing. so i had a fear of being abandoned and being alone since early development. Its probably why i have attachment issues too. I don't want to be this way. I don't have the problems i had then, but i have the relationship issue part of it. where i idealize someone and then i turn around and hate them, or get worried as to whether or not they are going to leave me. Can anyone else relate?

I scared her away by telling her about my BPD.

-- Tue Sep 24, 2013 11:05 pm --

obviously she wasnt a suitable match for me because of that.