What have I become? *tw*

I'm 40. I'm so empty inside. People in this world are SO mean and hypocritical. I've never met anyone in my life who hasn't been a liar. I grew up in the legal system and went to a juvenile prison. I came home, went to prison at 19. I came home and ended up back in prison in my late 30's for a sexual crime. Did you just hear the judgement clock tick in your head? I did. Par for the course and why I'm here. I'm on the verge of losing it. The anger and hostility are mounting inside me and I am becoming numb. Becoming numb because the people in my life will not be part of me. I am not afforded the luxury of being normal anymore because I am labeled a sex offender. That is not why I am here however. It's just a small piece. There is so so much complexity to my life and it has led me to an empty street of pain and tears. I just can't take it much longer. I'm such a contradiction of life. Half of me want's life to be happy and full of love, but the other half destroys everything I've ever loved leaving me empty and hateful. I can't seem to stop. I have no place here in this world it seems. What? To make others feel good? What about me? I've grown so cold and bitter because of the way that I have been treated by my fellow humans. I'm becoming the thing they want me to be. The light inside me is just a flicker anymore. I never used to be that way. I used to live, laugh and love freely. As an adult I despise my life as a child as I hate it now as an adult. I'm becoming everything I have hated in this world. My issues have issues. For me it's an entire life of physical, mental, and emotional abuse that needs to be unraveled. I have never once found a psychologist who gave a damn about me as a person. They are cold and "professional". My ass. They are human just like me. So now what? I can't say what I have been thinking for the past year because the wrong people find out and that would be it for me. Game over. Why am I here? To vent. To get direction in small doses. To figure out what the hell I've become.

Disclaimer: What I am about to share is to be used as a parallel situation. I am not implying that you do this. I tell stories from my own life and share them because that is how I communicate.
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Hello. My name is Catherine and I am the sister to and daughter of alcoholics.

What I have found is that from lives of intense pain and suffering, there can be new growth. As we know, the beautiful lotus is centered above muck and mud in the swamp and this beautiful flower cannot grow without the nourishment of the environment below it. In the same way, these experiences and characterizations that you might have can produce a new and beautiful (though imperfect) life and create a lotus of its own as it were.

Where once there was a man who cried and passed out in the den is a caligrapher and happy man who actually heard a voice in the chior loft at church "Stop drinking or you will die." He has been sober for over 41 years.

Where once there was a young woman who who worked 14 hour days, had horrible boyfriends who treated her badly and did cocaine is a program coordinator with a good husband, a daughter and a two story house--a small house, but nonetheless a house. Sober? 21 years

Where once there was a disgruntled college student with bad grades, whiskey and pot is now an instructor of English sober? 25 years

These are all relatives.

They had to have a lot of therapy. They had to work the 12 steps. The 12 steps aren't just for people who struggle with alcohol or drugs--they are for everyone. You can join a codependency group and you can go to Recovery (Abraham Lowe) and do DBT. It takes one day at a time and a lot of screaming and beating pillows, but it can be done. It also takes strategem.

I'm not sure how they made it but they did and so can you. Don't give up. I bet some smart folks on here can assist you further.

Good luck.

C68