Tired of nons bashing borderlines - from a non

(Please excuse my referring to pwBPD as 'borderlines' -- it's a bad habit)

I'm a non and I love interacting with borderlines. No, seriously, I really do enjoy it. I love the vibrant intensity and the calmer withdrawals. It's like being near an ocean, feeling the waves come in.

My mother is borderline -- one of the quiet ones. My stepmother is too, though she's a bit more volatile. My ex had borderline features, but he didn't do much splitting. I've known at least one other borderline, a really chaotic one, and she's great fun to be around. I deeply care for all these people (well, there is my ex, but I did deeply care at one time).

I don't see them as a burden or a threat. Why? Because I don't take the splitting personally. I understand that sometimes things are unbearably chaotic and I need to let things calm down. I understand that sometimes the pain is simply too much. I'm able to look past the struggle and see the person underneath.

I'm beyond angry at all the professionals and authors and bloggers and family members and friends who treat borderlines like crap. I'm especially furious at that venomous "professional" who wrote a long diatribe on her website on how evil and abusive and irredeemable borderline men are. I very well know that the push-pull of interacting with a borderline is very difficult for most nons to tolerate. I also know that it takes two to tango.

Some people will never be comfortable with the more chaotic elements of having a borderline loved one. But that doesn't mean that borderlines as a group are bad and worthless. It means that some people aren't a good match. And when one of those bad matches starts ranting about how harmful borderlines are, well... It's narcissism and prejudice, honestly. All borderlines are evil because the person who's ranting can't cope with one?

I can see some of you doubting my claim that it's prejudice. After all, any diagnosis is a grouping of traits, and borderline has some traits that are really difficult to live with. But these prejudiced nons aren't claiming that borderlines are difficult. They're saying all borderlines are evil because the person who's ranting can't cope with one.

The prejudice is in deciding that all borderlines are like the few that that person has known.

The narcissism is in assuming that every non out there is going to have the same amount of difficulty that they do.

And as for those of us nons who really are comfortable with borderlines? Is it likely that we're going to take the time out to say so? No. But just because we're invisible doesn't mean we don't exist. Don't get trapped in the idea that every non would demonize borderlines if only they knew what BPD is.

What I love about the borderlines I have known is that they are passionate and deeply invested in relationships. I love being that important to someone. I'm okay with the fact that they get overstimulated and have to recover. Splitting is an interesting challenge, because it's an opportunity for some really honest discussions about what is important to them. The conflicts aren't the important part; what matters is that they discover that they're not going to be rejected just because they had a meltdown in my direction.

I'm not excusing abuse; my ex was emotionally abusive and I did have to get out. But something I learned from that is that there was a point at the very beginning where I wasn't honest with him. I didn't tell him that his behavior wasn't okay. By the time I finally told him he was harming me, he'd gotten so used to the way things were that he couldn't even see what he was doing wrong.

It is my responsibility to know what is safe for me and to be consistent in holding those boundaries. It's my job to communicate those boundaries when the borderline is calm and comfortable, and in a way that doesn't sound like criticism.

My impression is, those nons who are cruel toward borderlines are often nons who don't think about a non's responsibility to hold boundaries. They're the ones who let the borderline run over them. Or perhaps, they're someone who does have good boundaries, but they're angry because they have a loved one who's a non and who's getting run over by a borderline.

Oh, one more thing I love about the borderlines I've known -- they are so much fun to interact with because they follow my lead, emotionally, if they're in a calm place. If I'm in a good mood, they'll brighten up. If I'm more serious, they'll meet me on that level. They'll keep on trying different emotional approaches 'til they find a connection, and that's really special. And I return the favor, when they're having a hard time, by meeting them where they are and helping them calm down. That's a level of emotional interaction that I haven't found in other nons, and even as I'm writing this, I'm smiling at the memory of it.


tl;dr: You deserve better. Hang in there.


Michelle

Thank you Michelle. I think that's one of my best qualities that you articulated. i can meet anyone
at their level and make an effort to connect to others and to pay attention and look for the good
in people. Of course once I start getting to know others I am pretty choosy who I want to spend
time with. I will always gravitate to people who have certain qualities I admire. (open-mindedness,
wicked humor, intelligence, warmth)

I appreciate all of what you said. I have only told my husband and a couple of close friends that
I am Borderline. There is no need to tell anyone else. My sister knew I was but I sort of regret
telling her that I finally took ownership of this illness. She and I do not get along. And she was
invalidating that I could make any progress. (later she did write me and apologize) but I know
deep down that she thinks I am pretty hopeless. It's ok. I will never be close with her not only
because of our past and my issues but because of HER issues as well. She has a wall around her
to protect herself, she left home and moved across the country to get away from our dysfunctional
family and she needs to do what suits her to protect her. (and for her its is invulnerability and control)

Thank you for your post.

I love you right now.

I had a borderline girlfriend at one point, and while we had our moments where she was incredibly hostile, it was one of the most intense and important relationships ive been in. It finally got to where she sent me a picture of where she had cut herself and told me it was my fault. That was the breaking point. But i loved her, and still love her now, although we went our separate ways. I would like to be with her again maybe, if we could get her some therapy to help her with the cutting, because i've been there, its a horrible place to be, and i don't think anyone deserves to be in that much pain. But i agree, some of them are fun to be around. I miss her, but honestly it may be for the better. But i don't believe people with BPD are mean or abusive or whatever. they are just going through a horrible battle in their minds with depression and feeling like their SO is going to abandon them. Honestly i have some traits. But i haven't been in but 2 relationships, and one of them i was very borderline myself. I believe its possible one of my other Personalities had it, but they are integrated with me now, and now i am completely stable mentally. the only thing i have is anxiety. I am very borderline when it comes to people that are close with me at times. but i don't have depression or any of the other parts of it. I'm on antidepressants that work though, so that may be why i am fine.

I wish everyone was like you!

I agree people have a right to express their opinions on public forums.
Here is my humble one: the original post exhibits a number of logical fallacies.
One example is the quote bellow...

My impression is, those nons who are cruel toward borderlines are often nons who don't think about a non's responsibility to hold boundaries. They're the ones who let the borderline run over them.

If this logic is followed consistently, then...
victims of... let's say... petty theft... who are cruel (angry) toward thief
don't think about their responsibility to hold boundaries....
They're the ones who let the thief run all over them...
after all...

BPD is a hard problem for the sufferer to deal with; everyday things can be a battle. my problems are with relationships, and before i was on my medicine, depression and self injury. but i had more happy moments off my medicine than i do on it and had less problems with feeling numb. Medicine helps, but it makes me feel so numb. I would rather suffer with all of the depression and hallucinations then deal with feeling numb and having no emotions at all. i have two emotions. angry and normal. I rarely experience anything else. depression actually sounds like a welcome improvement at times. But the girl i told you all about, when she did it, i did it back and told her everytime she cut herself i was going to do it also. she stopped while she was with me.

I wish people didnt judge people with BPD so harshly. It would make it easier for me to find someone to go out with, because i have all the traits of it.