how do i handle this?! makes me feel like crap!

Alright so a quick refresher regarding this issue...

When I met my boyfriend, he was and still is a nomad. bounces from state to state every 3 to 6 months. However, since officially dating me last june, he only left my state one time and that was to go back to Colorado for the winter season and work up at the resort. Well, I ended up moving out to Colorado for the season and working up there too so we never really parted. Me, I like to travel but its more of a vacation or trip versus living/working in one place then another and so on and so forth...

Oh one more other tidbit, for the past year, my boyfriend and I have fought A LOT. last year the fights were bad. this year they aren't so bad but still pretty frequent sometimes once a week. once every two weeks. I'm VERY impulsive and i feel like the intense feelings are never gonna leave so i always impulsively kick him out. he doesn't know anyone else in this state so when i say "leave! go!" i mean leave the state. He's packed a few times but deep down i know i don't want him to leave so i always change my mind.

Anywho, when I was working at the ski resort in Colorado, I came across a few female coworkers who traveled a lot. bounced around JUST LIKE HIM and worked in different states. There were two girls who did that and both i felt VERY insecure with. ALl i could think was "gee, they would be a much better match for my boyfriend". (this is something my boyfriend and I have fought about a lot. this topic of me feeling like other girls would go better with him.) Well, both girls really liked me and i thought they were cool too. We are still friends and keep in touch even though I am back in massachusetts. Well, one of them kept saying we need to be Facebook friends and i refused to add her. She knows who my boyfriend is she met him one time when he came in to work to say hi and bring me a coffee. I won't add her because I'm afraid she will Facebook friend him for some reason, they'll get to talking and realize they are soul mates. not only is she a nomad too, she is very happy, positive and free-spirited JUST LIKE HIM. For a while, when she would bring up fb and say "hey we still need to be fb friends" i'd say "yeah i know, i keep forgetting!" and just ignore what she would say and never add her. but she never let it go. so the most recent time she had asked, I just lied and said i barely ever go on it. I've come real close a few times with being very blunt with her and telling her I'm insecure because i feel like she's a good fit for my boyfriend and it makes me feel like crap but that would be weird (i can be very honest about things thats why I've felt the urge to do that). but i can't add her. i would always freak out that she friended him and id never know. also, i can't seem to talk to her through texting which is our way of communication because when i do, its reminds me of how i think she would go well with him and it makes me feel like sh*t. several months ago, my boyfriend and I came VERY close to breaking up. we weren't in the same state for two months and he was coming back to my state and i kept telling him not to. that its over. he said if he didn't come to my state, he was going to move to either Hawaii or Alaska and find a job there. After the seasonal job ended for my friend in colorado, she went to alaska. Again THEY ARE SO ALIKE JUST MAKES ME FEEL LIKE CRAP! so sometimes when my boyfriend and i fight, i say "yeah leave!!! get out and go to alaska like you planned, don't forget, my friend who i think your soul mates with is out in alaska. no wonder cause you two are so friggen alike!!!" well last time we fought and he was angry and we were yelling back and forth he's like "yeah well whats her full name?!" as he yelled it. i don't think he meant it. i think he was saying that cause he was angry but why would he ask?

I just need help on how to handle how insecure i feel about my friend. please don't give me advice or suggest i break up with my boyfriend. thats not the issue I'm looking to clear up.

thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond back to me. i know its super lengthy!!

If only I had something useful to tell you...

Sorry I can't help you much here but can you afford to go to therapy?

It's obvious you have severe self-esteem issues and no one will ever make them go away if you don't work on them by yourself first (with some help, of course).

There is no quick fix to this issue, though.

Find someone who will help you deal with your lack of self-confidence and think in a more positive way.

Best of luck.

littlearcher wrote:with regards to the topic of this post...do you think it might shift your perspective a little bit if you acknowledge that your thoughts and judgments about things are making you feel like crap?

what might the underlying feelings be that are causing you to continually bring up this other girl to your boyfriend? is it something that she represents to you? or are you questioning your ability to be a good partner to him?

i think it's important to try and remember that not only has he chosen to be with you, he's also chosen to somewhat adapt his nomadic lifestyle and up and move to be close to you.

do you think that is something that you might see as a gesture that he values you and wants to be with you?

Littlearcher:

Is it my thoughts and judgments though? I mean talking to this girl, my friend (although I'm not sure how much of a friend she is since i kind of dislike her in a weird way for being more suitable for my boyfriend) she sounds like she is such a great carefree person. Nothing bothers her. For her "life is good" and that is not a lie.

I always question my ability to be a good girlfriend to him because as much as I don't want to fight with him, I somehow always get into arguments with him - always! I feel like she represents what my boyfriend has always looked for in a partner. he has verbally told me what he wants in a girlfriend and it is nowhere close to what I am. He has admitted before that he knows some of the qualities i have isn't what he was looking for in a girlfriend. last week when we argued he said i was the closest thing he has to an enemy. no one hates my boyfriend. the only people he fights with besides me is his family. he says I'm the closest thing to an enemy because i try to bring him down and hurt him a lot and attack who he is.

I want to try to remember the last part of your response and hope it stays with me. that he chose to come here and settle down a little from his nomadic lifestyle.

Judging by someone's exes, I know what its like to be completely different to a person's usual type, and it would just make me question whether they were making the right choice, (I don't think I was what they would have typically been looking for in a woman.) but that's when they appeared to have some kind of consistent pattern in exes (feminine types for a start) but not because I'd expect them to date people exactly like them... Do most people really want to f*ck them self?

Sometimes similar people attract, sometimes different people do. What's important when people are different is whether the differences compliment each other or not. That's all I know. Jealousy/insecurity is difficult to deal with because most people have friends, colleagues etc. all around them.